Raise your flags high... even if they're red

Recently, I returned to an old dating site that I used previously with some success, because I'm a bit of a math dork and it uses some sort of complex algorithm to take a couple thousand questions and compute how well you'd get along with someone else answering those same questions. Before you ask... I'm not really dating, per se -- I don't even have a full profile or picture posted -- but I do like to see how the numbers work themselves out the more questions I answer.

Unlike all those other dating sites, however, the questions aren't written by Dr. Phil or a team of professionals or a guy with a religious agenda. No, these questions are written by the site users themselves. That means that although this website was created by Harvard grads, the questions can range from challengingly philosophical to colorfully moronic. They can also get fairly explicit and/or lowbrow, which probably scares away more squeamish types, who feel safer in eHarmony's "marriage material" criteria.

Last night, I'm looking at the questions that matter to a person fairly high up in my match percentage results and so I decide to get a little more clarity on our match percentage by answering any questions that he's found important and that I have yet to answer. Aside from there being a fairly high portion of sex-related and nudist-related questions, I didn't notice any serious red flags at first. Not even after the following question came up:


Imagine you become involved in a relationship with a someone who has a specific sexual fetish, without which they cannot be satisfied. If the fetish is harmless, but does nothing for you, how enthusiastic would you be about it?
* Very enthusiastic.
* Somewhat enthusiastic.
* Not at all enthusiastic.


I didn't even blink at that one, until I came to the next question along those same lines:


Suppose you're dating someone who seems to have long-term potential. You discover that they want to urinate on you during sex. Would you consider staying with this person?
* Yes.
* No.


Now see, that's the kind of thing that I would need to know in advance. WAY in advance... and not so that I could prepare the rubber sheets, but rather to walk the other direction. I'm all for whatever consenting adults do in the privacy of their own room, lodge, comic book convention, sex club or sound stage, but honestly? If you've got this sort of kink, you need to put that out there early on or else you're going to traumatize some folks.

I kept answering his "questions that matter" and soon it was clear there was a whole nest of these water sports questions...


Knowing that it's sterile if there's no urinary tract infection,would you drink your partner's urine?
* Yes...whenever asked
* Not often,maybe if I got something in return
* I'd have to think about it
* UGH...I AM NOT A TOILET!


If your partner asked you to be their toilet, what would your reaction be?
* Yes, I'll take everything he/she wants me to have
* Yes, but only his/her urine
* Yes, but only his/her poo
* No way dude, that's disgusting


If a potential partner told you that he or she has a urine fetish. Would you satisfy his or her fetish?
* I have that fetish myself!
* Yes
* I'm Not Sure
* No, That's Too Inzane!


You find out that your partner is into watersports (golden showers, urination). You feel:
* Aroused and Eager to Try!
* Worried/Unwilling.
* Okay with it, if he/she is the one being showered.
* Okay with it, only if I'm the one being showered.


Does the idea of using urine sexually, disgust you?
* Yes
* No
* as long as it's not mine!
* only if it's mine!


After I finished responding to and rating the importance of those questions, Mr. Wanna B. Toilet moved from my top 20 down around the top 40 or so. And now I know. Don't make a major purchase without reading the fine print and don't go into a dating site without doing a thorough investigation.

Aren't you married friends glad you're not still dating? For those of you who are intrigued... no, I will not hook you up. Sorry.

*sigh*