Never Say Neverland

For the last couple of years -- pretty much since my break up with "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" -- I've been half-jokingly saying that I have an imaginary boyfriend, who flies around in a TARDIS. Well okay, at first the story was that I have an imaginary boyfriend who is Jack Lemmon circa 1960, but no one else seems to remember how awesome Jack Lemmon was back then. For some reason, people can accept me pining after a Timelord, however ... still not sure why?

Anyway, some of that "imaginary boyfriend" business is no joking matter. I really did conjure an imaginary boyfriend. No, he doesn't fly around in a TARDIS; no, he doesn't dress up in drag while on the run from the mob; and before you ask, no, I did not just break up with an imaginary long distance boyfriend who lived in a fairy tale land called "Arkansas." That was all real -- I even have pictures to prove it! Also, although I have no actual proof, I hear there really is a land called "Arkansas," but I'll believe that when I see it, which may be never, so I'll just call it Neverland.

Where did all of this wackiness begin? Well, last Fall, I managed to conjure the idea of myself in the funnest, quirkiest car I could imagine (or as Edmunds.com called it, "the car equivalent of a ninja dressed in Hello Kitty pajamas riding on the back of a robot Godzilla") right into my reality. It's true; I did such a good job of fantasizing about it, the next thing I knew I was driving around in that very same fun, quirky car. To this day, everywhere I go, people tell me how much fun they think she is, and I gleefully gush that she really is as much fun as she looks. Her name is Mothra ... she's kind of a big deal ... protecting the Earth from threats and such.

So after I managed such a great feat, I set my focus on my love life -- my non-existent love life, that is. At that point in time, I really did just fantasize about David Tennant showing up in a blue box on my lawn, or Tom Waits driving a Citroen up my driveway, or Jack Lemmon atop a unicorn in my bedroom. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Those kinds of dreams get in the way of reality, however, and quite frankly set the bar a little too high (yes, I said "high" -- shut up). I mean, where's a regular guy going to find a Citroen or a unicorn in this economy? Sure, he could build a TARDIS, I've seen those on Pinterest, but that's a lot of pressure. No, I needed to figure out what was the magic of conjuring Mothra.

The key was that I focused entirely on how it felt to be driving her everywhere. Even while I was driving my old beater of a minivan, I would fantasize about people smiling and waving at me in my kooky funmobile.

It wasn't easy transferring this idea to a companion at first, because I really wasn't sure if it was sane what I was doing. But little by little, I started to feel my way into an imaginary relationship. If I was at the movies alone, I would leave a seat open next to me and imagine sharing an armrest with him. At some point during the movie, I might just tilt my head over to the side, as if to rest it on someone's shoulder. It may have looked odd, but what were people doing looking at me during the movie anyhow? They should be watching the screen!

Basically, I didn't care because it felt nice. While driving around, I would have fun conversations with imaginary him and joke about the things I saw, or the places we were going. I never talked aloud while in public (like the movies), but the conversations did often continue in my head, making me have a bit of a smirk on my face sometimes like I was in on a really good joke.

I noticed that people around me started to respond to that smirk, too. They started saying "hello" or asking me for directions or wanting to talk about the weather or the movie we were about to see, what have you. I just watched them light up the way you see people light up when you're part of a bubbly couple playfully interacting with everyone you meet. It was a beauty to behold. I decided we -- my imaginary boyfriend and me -- were that kind of couple ... the kind that makes people feel a little bit better about their day just from the interaction.

As I wove the pieces of this person more and more into being, I imagined that every little feeling moment that I was finding and liking became its own wriggling fiber; as I collected those fibers more and more, soon this form started to take shape next to me. It was just a feeling of a form, but if I closed my eyes, it felt as real as when someone walks up behind you and you haven't seen them yet, but you know they're there.

Absent Minded - Joe Webb

There weren't very many specifics of this person; this conjured form was entirely feeling-based. It was how I expected to feel when I was with him. But do you know what the best part of this whole thing is? I learned that a real guy is not responsible for me feeling that good. I am responsible for feeling that good ... just me! I did that! So that means that when the real guy does step into that awesome vibrational imagined spot, all he has to do is keep track of his own happy vibes, because I'm totally able to keep mine going on my own! And when I'm not able to keep 'em going, well, that's my problem and mine alone.

This was a revelation that I never knew before. I had the hardest time kicking the hideous Mr. Hyde to the curb once upon a time, because it meant that I would have to give up the fabulous Dr. Jekyll, too. I didn't know I could be my own Jekyll, never needing to put up with an icky Hyde again (well, maybe a tad Hyde-y around "that time of the month").

Now sure, there are some things that do still need actual physical interactions. Once I start having sex, for instance -- especially really good sex -- I kind of want that more and more, not just once every quarter phase of the lunar cycle. My libido still believes that some vibrational imagined thing is a poor substitute ... as is some vibrational real thing, for that matter! And who could blame it, am I right?

Antares and Love #2 - Joe Webb

Here's where things get fun. In the process of conjuring this imaginary boyfriend, I started posting images to Facebook that reflected some of the fun things I was feeling about "him" ... which is only weird if you think that I was really feeling these things about me, which itself is only slightly less weird than that scene in GHOST when Whoopie Goldberg lets Patrick Swayze possess her so that he can kiss Demi Moore again, but it's really Whoopie kissing Demi when you think about it, even though that's not what we see on the screen ... where was I?

Oh yeah ... so I started posting fun, flirty things for my imaginary boyfriend, like:

Friends were starting to wonder. I was getting private Facebook messages every other day inquiring, "So who's the lucky guy?"

That last one in particular really got me thinking, too. I mean, what about that real "lucky guy" who's eventually just going to wander into my trap vibrational happy place? I mean, I'm on Pinterest pinning food that I'll never make finding these hilarious bits and awesome nuggets, often interspersed among the lamest "dream wedding" photo pin ideas ever ... I began to wonder: 

Hmm, I was married once, but never had a wedding myself; I never even helped to plan one. Instead of holding back my nausea over these lame ideas I'm seeing, why not focus on the kind of wedding ideas I would consider awesome? What would my wedding look like if I ever wanted one? It'll be fun!

Borrowing the energetic inspiration of my imaginary relationship, I ran with the project and began keeping my eye open for the quirkiest, funnest wedding ideas. 

Now here's the part that you've all been waiting for ... for everyone's amusement (and maybe some girls' awe), I shall now "out" my weirder Pinerest side and proudly present some of my favorite awesome wedding idea finds. 

(Psst, boys! Some of you might want to sit up and take notice, in case you want to be thought of as "incredibly cool" someday when your fiancee is trying to come up with quirky ideas. I'll never tell her that you saw them here first, promise!) 

That last one is probably a little too fancy schmancy for me, especially matched with those origami flowers or the muppets, but damn that fabric is da bomb! (Do kids still say that?) I almost feel uber-girly just looking at it! Almost.

In case anyone was wondering, I didn't create a specific "wedding" board like other girls ... because, y'know, that would be "loony tunes." I just added those wedding pins to a wishlist board already full of fanciful things that I covet, like colorful Victorian houses and 1950s-60s Citroen cars.

Oh, and apparently I also found the perfect purple couch, and I am not the least bit shy to make the pronouncement here that I am definitely IN LOVE...