Welcome to my world... part 2

Here's what I have been waiting to write about... it's been eating away at me and I'm still not ready to tell the tale, but I'm going to let if flow anyhow.

Last Thursday evening, my father came up from Orlando specifically for 2 things: (1) to talk to my mother and apologize for things he did wrong in their marriage (they've been apart for nearly 20 years now); and (2) to talk to me and apologize for things he did wrong in parenting me.

Sounds great, huh? Only, that's not really how it went. What really happened was that he got to unburden himself of a few of his self-perceived issues and that's that. He never really came to listen, or to actually hear what the real issues were.

Why would he choose to do this now? God only knows. Literally... God. Because my dad only said, "It was in my heart to say these things now," which is religious babble-speak for, "I'm trying to become a deacon in my church and I have to atone for my sins in this part of the 12 steps before I can accept that position," or whatever they do there.

In my mother's 20 year relationship with my father, she felt on several occasions that he was most likely cheating on her. No matter how much she asked him though, he always made her feel that she was only paranoid and overly jealous, and he would belittle her with that line of accusation until she believed it. Trust me when I say that my mother's self-esteem suffered greatly because of that. And when he told her that he wanted a divorce --on the day that I was graduating from high school, mind you-- he only said that he wanted his freedom... never giving her any real reasons why.

Interestingly enough, the man who "wanted his freedom" was remarried just 11 months after the papers were finalized, though he claimed that he didn't even know the new wife when he asked for the divorce. In these nearly 2 decades since, my mother has never remarried... but her drinking problem has gone from being a weekend binge drinker to being an extremely unhealthy daily drinker.

So my father came up here, feeling somewhat responsible after all these years, to finally admit to my mother that he did in fact cheat on her... and not with one woman, but multiple women. He ended it there and wouldn't tell her with whom he'd had the affairs, leaving her obsessing over all the other women she'd wondered about over the years.

Basically, my dad just dumped his baggage to feel better about himself, and left the onus on her. Nice one, Dad. Always so helpful.

Then on Friday afternoon, he came to pick me up for lunch... presumably to help me work on my resume so that I can get a boring office job. That never happened. Instead, he talked about how he'd gone wrong as a father... except that he stated everything in religous terms, of course, just as he had with my mother. He admitted to me that he'd cheated on my mom, too, but he managed to leave out the "multiple women" part... that info came from my mom later when she was finally able to talk to me about it without bursting into tears.

In his long, religious-based, occasionally teary apology-of-sorts, the man actually compared himself to Moses... stating that his life went wrong around the age of 14 and for 40 years he was "in the world" (religious speak for the comparison of wandering in the desert, and being tempted by evils), and apparently he didn't have things go right again for him until he was "born again" 3 years ago.

To tell you the truth, I do not see anything terribly different about him, except that every other sentence is about Jesus or God or Satan. Otherwise, I still see him as the same self-centered, egotist that he always was... plus I always felt in my gut that he was a liar. He's a salesman by trade, has been my whole life, and whenever you talk to him, you can't help but wonder if he's trying to sell you something you don't really need. And he is... usually it's his perspective of how everyone else is living their life all wrong. But now that he's got Jesus on his side, he can tell people with much more conviction that they're living their lives incorrectly, and he manages to peddle the Bible everywhere he goes, in every conversation he has.

I had to sit and listen to him bring up arguments about why his church is so great and not a scam, like he knows that I think it is... and these are things that I've never talked to him about, because, unlike my father, I don't think it's my place to try and tell people that their beliefs system is faulty. I was a little perplexed by how he knew that I felt that way, but I assumed at the time that maybe this had come up in conversation with my mother and him the night before.

I also had to listen to him talk about how great it is that he gives 10 percent of his income to the church, that it's not going to his pastor's big home or fancy cars, but to building new programs, adding to the church, converting others in foreign lands, and helping single mothers like myself (funny that his own daughter, the single mother, doesn't see one-tenth of one percent of the kind of scratch that his church sees from him).

Then he went into how wonderful it is that the Lord blessed him with a $13,000 tax refund this year, which is helping him to pay for his second home that he bought before selling the one he currently has, but luckily the people he bought that house from are still residing there and giving him $1,000 a month for rent until they move. He went on about job bonuses and this great new house he'll be moving to (the 4th new house in the last couple of years) and all kinds of wonderful things that "the Lord" has bestowed upon him since getting born again, as he wrote checks out to my boys for their birthdays for $25 a piece, adding that he didn't want them blowing it on video games... I thought to myself, "Is he nuts? You can't buy a video game for that little anyway."

And of course he went into how God hates divorce and how it says so in the Book of Malachi... which he thought the coincidence was funny. (A) He was divorced. (B) I'm divorced. Doesn't he ever think before he speaks to someone? And the reason why I'm divorced is that my ex-husband had an affair. I almost blurted out, "You know what God hates even more? Adultery." I held my tongue about that and just answered with, "Have you ever read the Book of Malachi? There's some crazy, backwards thinking shit in there that doesn't belong in this time. I didn't name my son after that book... I just liked the name. Had I actually read that whole section beforehand, I would have chosen something else. Trust me."

He also when into my film and interpretted every statement that was said to be related to him, somehow... and he thinks that I titled the film FOUND because I am lost right now, like he was before he was "saved" and "born again." Yeah, Dad. Everything is about you somehow, isn't it?

Then, after one truly weird afternoon that left my dad feeling like he'd purged himself of his sins and left me feeling like I had to hold my tongue over what I really think he did wrong in raising me (and "failing to give me religion" is so NOT one of the myriad of things)... my dad quickly scurried back to Orlando and chose not to stick around to see his grandkids, who were getting off the bus about 15 minutes later. Not to mention is it was his grandsons' birthdays and he should have wanted to give them their cards in person, at least.

But he didn't leave until he hit me with one last f'ed up blow... a brief conversation that started, "So I've been reading your Myspace blog for a while now..."

At that moment, all the blood drained from my head as thoughts flooded me of every blog I've ever written... especially the ones that say all the things that I think about his religion. It was that moment on the beach in JAWS where the camera simultaneously zooms in and dollies out all of a sudden while in close up on Roy Scheider's face. THAT is why I've either deleted some entries or put them to "FRIENDS ONLY" and why I'm going to continue doing that.

He claimed that he decided to Google me one day and that's how he found my blog and has been reading it ever since without ever telling me that he was. He laughed a little when he talked about how shocked and surprised he was to find that I'm such "an extremely talented and funny writer," as he said. But he also had plenty of criticism for me, too, mostly about my lifestyle, of course. I'm sure that the "same sex marriage supporter" banner on my profile also pisses him off, though he never brought up that bit.

The reason he doesn't know that I can write, however, is the same reason he doesn't really have a clue about who I really am... he's never seen me for me and he likely never will.

There you have it... why my weekend was so screwy from the start... long before the boys arrived for the slumber party, and long before my dog died... and why I had to update so many of my old blog entries.

I think I could have written this better if I was in a better mood, but my full sense of humor hasn't returned yet, as things keep getting in the way... like my father calling me a couple hours ago and telling me more stuff that he thinks is wrong with me and how disappointed he is in me. I put myself through college and through grad school without a dime of help from him and he couldn't muster a real congratulations on that effort, but he sure can "pick me up" on any old day to tell me how bad a job I'm doing.

To that I'd just like to say, "Thanks, Dad, for helping to shape me into who I am today. Who knows where I'd be without you in my life."

But once again, I held my tongue instead.

Oh yeah... almost forgot: He didn't leave without giving me something "useful" ... yet another New Testament that's been interpretted for those who like to think for themselves EVEN LESS than their church leaders already allow. I'll just put that on the shelf next to the collection of other versions he's given to me over the years. Maybe I'll use them as weapons to throw at Satan, if he should ever show himself... seeing as how he's so ever-present in my life.