Whether it's the weather I'm under...

It definitely doesn't help.

This overcast, rainy weekend has left me lost in thoughts that are tinged with one part nostalgia and two parts melancholia.

And the visions I've been watching do not make the situation better... a weekend with Nora Ephron and her ilk, casting spells on sleeping beauties who cut their teeth on fairy tale romances. Why do I not turn away from those shadowy images that I avoid when they haunt theatres?

The combination leaves me with a head full of squishy fated unions that never happen in reality. And so my thoughts turn to marriage. Not necessarily my own in the past tense ...though those thoughts do come up occasionally... but more of my own in the future tense, and how the church of "for better or for worse" has never grabbed hold of me. Have I always been too agnostic? A heretic, perhaps?

I've been thinking of other unions... those that aren't my own. Those that happen so quickly and so smoothly, and those that build over time to the inevitable. And more importantly... how enviable both types are.

I remember a time when I was riding in a beau's car... myself at the age of nearly 16 and him just 19, but somehow speaking of his future and of marriage with the unwavering bravery of a young Achilles. He had me in his crosshairs, but I was blind. I responded to his vision of the future by gazing off into the distance and stating honestly, "When I look into the crystal ball, I see myself living alone and eventually dying alone." He pulled the car over and had tears in his eyes. I couldn't comprehend his sadness and was quite sober in my resolve.

I've been called Vulcan... it's never a compliment.

Yet at other times since I have longed for that which I couldn't see then... picturing it, but more like a past-life experience rather than something on the horizon. There have even been moments when I allowed myself to be taken on that journey with someone... to envision a life together... but they were always moments of extreme practicality, never of longing desire.

I cleaned house just recently, as I do from time to time. I removed a few more ties to erstwhile maybes... thinking to myself that it's not such a good idea to remember your evaporated dreams... especially when they leave you behind, choking on their dust.

Whether it's the weather I'm under, or whether it's you... the ambiguous you and the personal you... I need to forget. Try not to take it too personally... it's not you that I wish to forget, but rather those imperfect visions in pluperfect tense. Delete. Delete. Delete.

I need to believe in something for once. Could simply repeating the mantra bring the belief?

I'll try that for now.

I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.
I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe. I believe.

~ Infinity ~