Let - Go

So last night, I stopped seeing my boyfriend of seven weeks, whom I still love and adore more than anyone to date. Let me back up...

Everything was perfect about us coming together, right down to the details of how I felt before I met him ... like I was already in this relationship and expected to look over one day and finally see him in his solid form. And that is what happened in many ways ... it was perfection.

Everything except living an 11-hour drive between us.

I must have overlooked this when I felt into any of the specifics of this relationship before it manifested ... or maybe I've put too much attention there in the past and that drew it to me even more.

It also turns out that I am still very much the same girl I was when I was 17. The brain still does the same old tricks ... it squirms and wiggles away from the firm grasp I thought I had on it like some slippery snake/water wiener dipped in baby oil. I've gotten much better at catching it, but apparently I haven't managed to rub off all the slippery unctuousness.

See, I'm ready for the deeper plunge with someone. I'm not only ready, I'm wholeheartedly expecting it. And it's about time! But that slippery brain of mine is also stubborn. It can latch onto a thought like, "I don't do well with long distance relationships," and remind me of that again and again and again, drowning out solidly felt things like, "I adore this man of mine."

So after doing battle with the She-Creature within -- breathing and meditating away the thoughts, trying to go general and focus on the things that make me feel good, etc -- the beast wore me down. By the third time I caved to her old issues regarding distance, I was actually feeling physical pain from it. My chest had been tightening up, seizing with little stabby feelings, and my jaw was clenched tight. Like lockjaw tight.

No, I was not having a heart attack. Yes, however, my thoughts were attacking my heart.

For my own sanity, and for the preservation of how we both feel towards each other, I decided to end things. It felt like the only way ... to keep it under glass and keep the She-Creature from stomping all over the beautiful garden that we'd cultivated together.

I know, that sounds a little childish, but it honestly is the most adult thing that I have ever done in my life. I walked away from love. Not crapped it up until we both were exhausted with one another and couldn't stand the sight of each other ... but saved it like a snapshot in time ... or maybe more like a bookmark, because if the opportunity should come up, I want to pick it back up on the page where I left it. I hope he does, too, but I have no control over that.

I'm leaving out a lot of detail here for everyone's sake, but trust me when I say, if I didn't love him as much as I do, I couldn't have felt as pained as I did by the distance.

If in the future he finds his life heading towards mine -- and there is always the possibility of that, especially if he really wants it and puts his focus there -- I will gladly reopen this book. I repeated to him how much I love him and how much that will not change, regardless if he's mad at me right now ... regardless of whether or not he finds his way closer to me.

I know there's a blindspot there that I'm working on, and someday I hope to have closed that gap for myself, but that does not lessen the amount that I am capable of loving. And I will continue to discover my love has higher heights and deeper depths and that I have a broader reach than I can even fathom right now.

It sucks being away from him, but it was all the going back and forth, the waiting between, the compartmentalized visits, and the negotiating and planning just to see each other again that hurt more than just not seeing him for a longer stretch. So in a strange way, it feels like nothing has changed. I still love him because I felt that love before I met him, and will continue to feel it.

And because it feels like nothing has changed to me, I've not been able to bring myself to change our status on that social networking site. Perhaps I should allow him choose when or if the time for that is right?

As odd as it sounds, I let go of the man I love to keep him. He will always be mine exactly as I feel for him here. I'm focused on that, and although I miss the physicality of us, I am excited by the possibilities that are in store. For both of us.

He has new career opportunities to explore very soon, and I will be his biggest cheerleader no matter where those opportunities take him. I hope he feels the same way about me, and I hope the distance gap between us narrows so that we can explore together some more. The wiser me knows that the components of greater things are assembling...

...to be continued <3