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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Full Beaver Moon

a.k.a. "My Vagina's Monologue"

Is this thing on? Check one, two. Check! Check!

Yes, okay. Hello. Hi. How is everyone on this lovely, and quite appropriately named "Full Beaver Moon" evening?

Whew! I've been a very busy gal lately. My "handler" (she thinks she's in charge, but we all know who's running this circus) has done a great job rejuvenating me and taking me on interesting adventures!

What I gathered you all here to tell you is ... and this is just between you and me ... I'm not actually secretly trying to get my handler pregnant! Shhhh!

Oh sure, she thinks I am. She's been accusing me of that for going on 3 months now, ever since she met my awesome new boyfriend's "handler" (he also thinks he's in charge, but really isn't). She thinks I don't know she's had me "fixed" ... oh, I know, trust me. I know. Who do you think gave her that idea?

Yeah, it's true that I've been allowing Aunt Flow to visit me more often ... four days sooner than her trusty lifetime of perfectly timed 28-day visits. Honestly, I don't like her anymore than any of you do. I get better attention and service when she's not hanging around, throwing a damp rag over things, so I'm not exactly thrilled that she'll be arriving two extra times in the coming year at this more frequent rate.

I'll let you in on the bigger picture that my handler is missing here: You know that fantastic, high testosterone, mid-cycle time? Yeah, the time when a gal *could* get pregnant. Well, I'm getting more of those in the coming year, too! (Pun intended.) Everybody wins! (Especially me.)

And to tell you the truth, I'm not in control of this. And neither is he. It's those magical, mystical, chemical properties in our pheromones causing all of this. It's probably also the same thing that makes my handler regularly not pay attention to her surroundings, so she will trip and fall, and makes his handler absentmindedly mistake fancy hand dryers for urinals.

Together, this dynamic--albeit distracted--duo are a chemistry tour de force. His handler probably doesn't feel the effects of this as jarringly as my handler does, because his hormones let him bathe in it more constantly, letting him get fully acclimated to it. Unfortunately for us over here at Team Vagina, we have to surf with the estrogen tides.

I am here, however, to apologize for not letting my handler know that I'd be letting Aunt Flow make earlier visits, thus throwing off her ability to understand when she was suddenly feeling angsty or needy or forlorn or extra horny, even. When you throw a curve ball more than half a week in advance with no warnings, there isn't time to know when to take a swing at it or duck.

Last night I inspired her to get out of bed just to look at the calendar, after my favorite guy's handler said, "Didn't you fall apart like this last month?" She thought he was wrong for suggesting that monthly anniversary milestones might be the cause, and he was ... but he wasn't wrong on there being a pattern. She saw the "4 days early ... 4 days early ... 4 days early there, too" pattern last night, however.

Sorry about not letting you know about this sooner. If I simply started talking to you out loud, you might not handle that too well either. But now we're finally all on the same calendar page! Isn't that great!?

Okay, yeah, my handler had to have a couple unexpected meltdowns a time or three--and maybe even bum my boyfriend's handler out in the process a bit--but knowledge is power now. Yay!

Heck, even just having spent an evening with him once in June and again once in August, before any of the real fireworks began, made Aunt Flow think she needed to arrive two days early each of those times ... just in case. The mere hint of the pheromone chemistry is just that good.

Also, sorry to tell you this, girlfriend, but I'm probably going to ruin some of your fun this coming weekend, too.

Yes, four days early.

Yes, again.

I promise I'll make it up to you both very soon ... like four days sooner! See, everybody wins!

Okay, I think we're done here.

Play me out, Cat...


No, not Keyboard Cat! C'mon, everyone knows vaginas love Cat Stevens.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2icTd46vcs&playnext=1&list=PL853225EAFCBD3D97&feature=results_main

Unknown said...

Just what are you implying, boyfriend's handler?

Unknown said...

http://www.docsdeerscents.com/

Also, I've been dousing myself in this stuff before I see you.

Unknown said...

That would explain why I was a little too excited to be watching the RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER last night.

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