I brought it up too many times already about how I don't sleep at night. I do sleep, however. It's just more like catnaps here and there... never anything more than 4 hours at a stretch though.
Since the blog entry that I posted after last weekend about wanting to believe in something and my new "I believe" mantra, I've had an interesting recurring semi-dream. It's not really a dream, per se, since I'm experiencing it while I'm drifting off and when I'm coming to again, but that's the closest that I get to remembering dreams most days.
What's been happening is that I keep hearing "I love you" over and over and over again.
Since the blog entry that I posted after last weekend about wanting to believe in something and my new "I believe" mantra, I've had an interesting recurring semi-dream. It's not really a dream, per se, since I'm experiencing it while I'm drifting off and when I'm coming to again, but that's the closest that I get to remembering dreams most days.
What's been happening is that I keep hearing "I love you" over and over and over again.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Correction: hearing is probably the wrong descriptive choice, though they sort of register in my brain like I've heard them rather than thought them myself. I guess what I'm experiencing is more of a feeling... the one you get when someone says those words to you and you feel exactly the same way too, so your whole body just begins beaming with happiness. It's a nice feeling... very nice... even nicer than the recurring wet dream that I blogged about so long ago... the one I used to get throughout all of 2004 that left me with "underpants soup" when I'd awaken.
Waking up to those words and to that feeling makes me want to stay in that groggy land of nod between dreamland and reality. Although the feeling stays with me for a bit, the reality that sets in of knowing that there isn't a someone with whom I have that mutual feeling at the moment is a little deheartening.
It also stings a bit when I know that someone has just said those words to me very recently... but, unfortunately, it didn't have that musical ring to my ear and there simply wasn't that full-body buzz from it the way there should have been... and thus, I couldn't return the feeling. Although I did try to see where it would go for a couple of weeks, it didn't take me long to realize that I needed to let him go, so he could find the right girl for him... and so that I could perhaps find the right guy for me.
But back to addressing the current "dream lover" experience, it's left me trying to analyze why I might be experiencing it. Part of me wants to say, "It's a sign of things to come!" I want to get excited that maybe the feeling that has eluded me for most of my life is just on the horizon. And another part of my thoughts wanders to intuition of another kind... that someone unseen is letting me know that I'm not alone, that I am loved, that I always have been... a psychic love letter, of sorts, perhaps. And of course my inner therapist chimes in and tells me that I'm just giving myself what I need, because we cannot find love without loving ourselves first.
Whatever the case may be, I do hope I'm ready to hear those words when they do come around again. And just as importantly, I hope that I already am feeling that way, too.
This also makes me recondsider the possibility of that guy that I used to believe was hit by a bus long ago might actually still be alive, whoever he is... the one who understands (for the most part) my wide-ranging taste in music, movies, art, and a multitude of other subjects... and who is just as interested in those things too. He's not necessarily exactly like me, because it's also fun to be with someone who can teach you new things... just hopefully overlapping a good deal for us to enjoy each other's company. And he has to have an appreciation for a twisted, quirky, South-pawed, indie, progressive, Socialist loner with a penchant for non-fiction, documentary and rescuing animals. And he's not freaked out by kids.
Okay, okay... now I really am dreaming.
Waking up to those words and to that feeling makes me want to stay in that groggy land of nod between dreamland and reality. Although the feeling stays with me for a bit, the reality that sets in of knowing that there isn't a someone with whom I have that mutual feeling at the moment is a little deheartening.
It also stings a bit when I know that someone has just said those words to me very recently... but, unfortunately, it didn't have that musical ring to my ear and there simply wasn't that full-body buzz from it the way there should have been... and thus, I couldn't return the feeling. Although I did try to see where it would go for a couple of weeks, it didn't take me long to realize that I needed to let him go, so he could find the right girl for him... and so that I could perhaps find the right guy for me.
But back to addressing the current "dream lover" experience, it's left me trying to analyze why I might be experiencing it. Part of me wants to say, "It's a sign of things to come!" I want to get excited that maybe the feeling that has eluded me for most of my life is just on the horizon. And another part of my thoughts wanders to intuition of another kind... that someone unseen is letting me know that I'm not alone, that I am loved, that I always have been... a psychic love letter, of sorts, perhaps. And of course my inner therapist chimes in and tells me that I'm just giving myself what I need, because we cannot find love without loving ourselves first.
Whatever the case may be, I do hope I'm ready to hear those words when they do come around again. And just as importantly, I hope that I already am feeling that way, too.
This also makes me recondsider the possibility of that guy that I used to believe was hit by a bus long ago might actually still be alive, whoever he is... the one who understands (for the most part) my wide-ranging taste in music, movies, art, and a multitude of other subjects... and who is just as interested in those things too. He's not necessarily exactly like me, because it's also fun to be with someone who can teach you new things... just hopefully overlapping a good deal for us to enjoy each other's company. And he has to have an appreciation for a twisted, quirky, South-pawed, indie, progressive, Socialist loner with a penchant for non-fiction, documentary and rescuing animals. And he's not freaked out by kids.
Okay, okay... now I really am dreaming.
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