Resolution Revolution

2010 marked the first year that I ever kept my resolutions... all of them! There were four.

First, after tossing back a few the night of New Year's Eve 2009 out of sheer boredom, I resolved mid-drink to stop drinking alcohol entirely. I then poured my holiday spirits down the drain and never took another sip again. One year later and I am still a total tee-totaler. Will I continue along this line forever and ever? I don't know. But what I do know is that I've never felt better. It's the next best thing to quitting my social smoking habit (2008) and quitting coffee (2007).

Second, after pouring out those spirits, I resolved to raise my spirits naturally, meaning that I would dive back into my spiritual seeking that I had abandoned several years earlier. I slowly worked my way up to it by reading and researching, but by June I eventually found a meditation practice that I love and am continuing to expand. Along this path, I discovered a great link to Source that had kept me more centered than anything else in my life to this point.

Third, along with getting spiritually healthy, I resolved to get physically and emotionally healthy, by listening to my body, watching what I eat and getting plenty of me-time at the gym and elsewhere. Before getting in the gym, however, I discovered a local Tai Chi group and learned that I absolutely love it. That meditation in motion blends the spiritual, physical and emotional bodies all so well for me that I truly feel out of whack when I miss a week. With the last 6 months of healthy mind-body living, I am a new woman.

Finally, my biggest (and seemingly toughest) resolve was to find a job. Little did I know that if I dropped my oars and stopped trying the paddle upstream, the job would find me! It's new and it's often challenging, but my rockets of desire would have it no other way.

All in all, 2010 has been a satisfying year and has left me really looking forward to what 2011 will bring.

Now, in looking towards that future, my resolutions for 2011 include the following:

1) "How may I serve?" It's not so much a mantra as it is a way of seeing the world. I am looking to give of myself in ways that my talents and heart lead me. Although I always strive to make the world a better place, I want to be more aware of it in my day to day life... and if I make just one person's day better with each day, that is a great place to start.

That first one is tough for me, because for a misanthrope like me, you people are tough to love. I don't mean "you people" in the racist sense... nor do I mean "you" people in the personal sense... nor do I mean you "people" in the sense that I'm not people, but rather some sort of alien life form (although there are days when I do feel that way). I mean that, in general, humanity often lacks... well... humanity. But if I just focus on what I love in others and ignore the rest, I know this first resolution will go a lot smoother.

2) "See joy everywhere." There was a time when I saw problems everywhere. Some of this had to do with the "you people" thing that I mentioned above, but really it only had to do with me and the way that I saw the world. Sure, that critical vision of mine made for some funny written (and oral) rants; but in 2010, I gradually learned to rack focus... switching from the exacting macro to the light-filled wide angle lens. In the bigger picture, I realized that I could see joy in every person, place or thing. I also realized that sometimes if you stop focusing on the less-desirable persons, places or things long enough and adjust your angle, you'll see that they were merely blocking what is actually a beautiful view.

3) "Keep trying new things." We often forget how great it feels to challenge ourselves with something new in our lives. The new things that I tried in 2010 have caused me to grow in so many great ways. Not everything was for me, but I am glad that I tried everything. I'll be starting off 2011 with trying belly dancing for the the first time... that should be a hoot! I don't know what other new things I'll be trying, but I'm going to look at anything that comes up as an opportunity.

4) "Let love in." I've been holding this one off for a while now, keeping it at bay, not wanting to jump in anywhere before I was on a better path for myself. After a little experimenting with this in the past few weeks, I feel that I'm coming in to really good place for this now... another opportunity to grow and co-create. I was able to walk away from something that just did not feel right* without a single ounce of drama, despite being highly tested. It was great how easily I was able to speak my peace and choose my exit, giving me the confidence to know how much easier it will be when something does feel right.

(Non-alcoholic) Cheers to 2010! Here's to 2011! Onward and upward!

*The old me would have written all about that experience by now, pointing out all the oddities and quirks for giggles, but this new me would rather turn her attention to the positive aspects that I want in a mate. The negative aspects make great blog fodder, but they also keep attracting that stuff to me.

Letting the Right One In

Several months ago, I began reading Abraham-Hicks Law of Attraction books on the Art of Allowing and discovered one particular tome that offered practical exercises to help you focus your ability to attract what you really want.

One exercise involved filling a box with cut-outs from magazines and wherever of all the things that make your heart sing. On the box, you write: "Whatever is contained in this box... IS!" As you place the items in the box, you say aloud that statement with the same enthusiasm with which that item fills you. Another exercise involved attracting a mate by writing a list of all of the attributes that bring you love, joy and attraction with a partner.

I decided that I liked both of these exercises and so, late one night in June, I wrote my list and placed it in an envelope that boldly reads "Abundance is flowing into my life!!!" Then I wedged that envelope carefully into the lid of the box, so that I could see those words every time I opened the lid.

Although I wasn't sure if it would work, I did like the feeling that the box gave me. It has been sitting in my bedroom for around 5 months now. I give it a pat from time to time as I pass by; sometimes I pause to lift the lid just to peek inside, speak those magic words aloud again, and smile. I haven't revisited that list in these past months, however... until now.

I am not posting this as a way of saying, "See! It worked," because I am indeed still single. Rather, I'm posting in a moment of delicious-feeling vibes and bountiful optimism about the future. And since this is essentially my digital scrapbook, what better way to capture this moment than to revisit the list.

I can't explain any of the reasons behind any of the descriptors, except to say that they were coming from personal experiences and memories of contrast in previous relationships, which caused me to desire these qualities in a mate... and in myself, as well. This is not for anyone's amusement, but if it makes you laugh, that's fine by me. Laughter is good medicine and I whole-heartedly welcome it.

06/10/10 @ 1:35 AM

The Right Man for Me...

• Has had many life experiences to make him well-rounded.
• Has to have his own healthy sense of spirituality that does not conflict with mine.
• Has to have a healthy sense of self that he has spent/is actively spending time getting to know, to allow and evolve. 
• Has to love animals, especially dogs, and should preferably even own a dog or two. 
• Has to respect what it means for me to be a parent; would help if he were one, too. 
• Has to have a desire for living a healthier life and is already working on that himself. 
• Has to already believe in meditation and has his own practice, while still being masculine. 
• Has to have a good sense of humor that matches my own, ability to laugh at the absurd. 
• Has to be seeking joy in his daily life. 
• Has to love nature and know its healing effects. 
• Has to have a good overlapping love of music and movies with me. 
• Has to understand why science & art are both important, and a desire to explore & create. 
• Has to be a little more emotional than me and allow me to be more grounding. 
• Has to be good at fixing things, or good at gardening, or cooking, or all of the above. 
• Has to love only me with all of his heart & being, and has to respect me with all of his soul. 
• Has to enjoy sex as much as I do and has to have similar, matching desires to mine. 
• Has to be intelligent and enjoy reading and/or researching new ideas. 
• Has to have curiosity about the world. 
• Has to also have compassion for others. 
• Has to have Liberal ideals and getting more Liberal (politically) all the time.
• Has to understand when I need some alone time; has healthy boundaries. 
• Has to also love doing things with me the rest of the time. 
• Has to be able to talk about or write about his feelings and know the importance of overcoming differences and focusing on the similarities/common ground. 
• Has to help me realize my greatest potential and I help him realize his; together, we are each greater than we are apart.
• Has found his connection with Source and his Higher-Self, and knows how to step in and out of the Vortex whenever he sees fit ... and knows how fun it is! 

ended @ 2:20 AM

Out with the old...

I don't know about you guys, but for me at least, 10/10/10 has represented a final clearing away of old mental debris. I've been deleting old emails, clearing away "second brain" clutter (i.e. old computer files), and ridding myself of connections to sites that no longer suit me.

For the last decade, one of those bits of debris has been online dating sites. Now, I hadn't been using my last online dating profile all year after putting it into hibernation back in January, but I did log in there about 2 weeks ago just to see where my mind was when I created the profile last year.

After satisfying my curiosity, I put the account into hibernation again, wanting to preserve the profile as a "just in case" sort of thing, since I'd put so may hours into it. I mean, I had answered every one of their matching questions... all 4,000+ of them! Not to mention taking something like 250 quizzes on there, which were an even cutesier way of comparing yourself with a possible match.

Today, none of that mattered anymore. I took a deep breath and deleted that profile for good! Yay me! That said, I did still feel the need to encapsulate some of it here in the same spirit that all of my blog entries are written: as a scrapbook, perhaps to revisit some day when I'm older and wiser.

I know many of my coupled friends have been curious about how I might be representing myself online and why I'd received so many bizarre responses, some of which became blog fodder. Well, here ya go, folks. Here's the old online dating me in all my glory (sans any matching personal stats, questions, pictures, quiz results, journal entries, etc):

My Self-Summary:

What you see before you is just your typical left-handed, domestically challenged, terminally clumsy, easily amused, fashionably clueless, simultaneously dark and bright, former pinball/pool/piano prodigy.

But mostly I'm all Labrador Retriever.

So if dog is your co-pilot, too, let me begin by saying: the pilot has turned on the "no smoking" sign and we now ask that you return all seats and tray tables to their upright and locked positions, and safely store all baggage in the overhead compartments. You are allowed a small carry-on to keep with you. If you wish to retrieve any items from your stowed baggage, please do not hesitate to ask for some assistance. Struggling with it yourself could cause harm to your neighbors and loved ones. It is at this time we ask that you kindly turn off all electronic devices before take-off. Once we are airborne, there will be appropriate times to resume use of your devices, but please be considerate of the other passengers.

Thank you for flying and enjoy your stay.

What you see before you is just your typical left-handed, domestically challenged, terminally clumsy, easily amused, fashionably clueless, simultaneously dark and bright, former pinball/pool/piano prodigy. But mostly I'm all Labrador Retriever. So if dog is your co-pilot, too, let me begin by saying: the pilot has turned on the "no smoking" sign and we now ask that you return all seats and tray tables to their upright and locked positions, and safely store all baggage in the overhead compartments. You are allowed a small carry-on to keep with you. If you wish to retrieve any items from your stowed baggage, please do not hesitate to ask for some assistance. Struggling with it yourself could cause harm to your neighbors and loved ones. It is at this time we ask that you kindly turn off all electronic devices before take-off. Once we are airborne, there will be appropriate times to resume use of your devices, but please be considerate of the other passengers. Thank you for flying and enjoy your sWhat I’m doing with my life:

At the moment, it appears that I'm on a quest to answer every last silly matching question just to see if I can find the magic behind the numbers. Less than 500 to go! I think they give you a pony if you make it to the end! Or maybe that's just my fevered, question-overload delirium talking.

UPDATE - 8/22/09 - 1:47AM: "You've answered every active question in our database. Wow." ...I did it! There'll be a pony at the door any day now! Stay tuned!

UPDATE - 8/24/09 - 6:24AM: No sign of the pony yet, but I'm still hopeful! It was the weekend, after all. Very excited!

UPDATE - 8/26/09 - 7:19AM: Still no pony, but spirits are still high. They probably have to drive it to you, right?

UPDATE - 8/29/09 - 5:40AM: Picking out a cute little cart for the pony. Still all a-tingle and waiting patiently...

UPDATE - 9/3/09 - 11:38AM: Please tell me there is a pony. Give me a sign! Tell me that I am not forsaken, oh great Sky Cake! *sigh*

I’m really good at:

I used to think that I was really good at attracting men with addictive personalities, because I'm such a compassionate person. However, I am beginning to think that I may have an addictING personality and it just goes with the territory. I'm not normally this quick to toot my own horn, but I do like to try to see the glass half-full.

Now, I'm really good at spotting the bad matches and listening to my gut. It's always right, regardless of how high my mental IQ is. Why fight it? I'm discovering how nice it is to not have to struggle upstream anymore and just go with the flow, baby.

Edited by

I'm also really good at video editing, but the cupboard has been a bit bare (to say the least) in recent years. Friends keep urging me to write a book and one of these days I just might do that. (Hear that ex-boyfriends? You've been warned!)

Dating hijinx aside, I've also been referred to as "the voice of reason" or some equivalent more times than I can recall. So I suppose that's another thing.

There's a lot more that I'm good at, but it's more fun for those things to reveal themselves in time.

The first things people usually notice about me:

Glasses? Eyes? Hair? Curves?

But if they're really observant, they'll notice that I'm so much more than the sum of my parts.

Edited by

I used to think that I was really good at attracting men with addictive personalities, because I'm such a compassionate person. Now, however, I am beginning to think that I may have an addictING personality and it just goes with the territory. I'm not normally this quick to toot my own horn, but I do like to try to see the glass [[half-full]]. Now, I'm really good at spotting the bad matches and listening to my gut. It's always right, regardless of how high my mental IQ is. Why fight it? I'm discovering how nice it is to not have to struggle upstream anymore and just [[go with the flow]], baby. I'm also really good at [[video editing]], but the cupboard has been a bit bare (to say the least) in recent years. Friends keep urging me to [[write a book]] and one of these days I just might do that (hear that ex-boyfriends? you've been warned!). Dating hijinx aside, I've been referred to as "the voice of reason" or some equivalent more times than I can recall. There's a lot more that I'm good at, but it's more fun for those things to reveal themselves in time.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

BOOKS:
My all time favorite book is Moby-Dick and if you can quote lines to me from it, it's better than poetry. I most recently read BONK: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach, the same woman who wrote STIFF and SPOOK. I find her ease of conveying a subject to be both delightful and incredibly informative. I would recommend that, along with another recent (albeit begrudging) read, Eat Pray Love, which had been suggested to me repeatedly and I had avoided it for that very reason, because I simply do not buy into hype machines. I have to say, however, it was so eye opening and life changing. I've also been trying to finish 2012: The Return of Quetzacoatl for a dog's age now, but all he keeps talking about are his drug trips. Give me aliens or parallel universes or something! Maybe I'll finish it before the year actually gets here :)

MOVIES:
My all-time favorite film is The Apartment (1960) and the rest of that list of film favorites could go on for ages, including a lot of things you've never heard of or seen, but if you're interested, I'll gladly share them with you... maybe when we start to get to know each other. If you can introduce me to gems that I never knew existed, all the better. Although not really representative of my faves, per se, you can see a list of my guilty pleasures that will grab me every time.

While we're on this subject of movies, don't buy into the hype you've heard from anyone else: I watch more documentaries than anyone you've ever met, bar none. I also catch a good deal of fiction films, too. As far as recent 2009 releases go, (500) Days of Summer was a clever little flick. I also enjoyed District 9 and Inglourious Basterds (despite usually despising Tarantino). Zombieland was just "meh," while I was rather disappointed with Where the Wild Things Are (despite usually adoring Spike Jonze). I did, however, love-love-LOVE Wes Anderson's brilliant take on The Fantastic Mr. Fox (this is in alignment with me tending to favor Wes's movies in general and my love of stop-motion animation). Now I'm looking forward to The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Terry Gilliam deserves another hit to clear up his less-than-stellar streak.

TV:
I don't watch much on my actual television these days, because I prefer to stream shows online... but I am a sucker for anything PBS produces (NOVA Science NOW, anyone?) and I do believe that 30 Rock is sheer genius. (And not just because I get the Tina Fey comparison from time to time.) I also seem to be digging Community.

Thanks to a friend's advice, I recently gave Doctor Who a try and it hooked me immediately. I've since watched every episode and even finished off its spin-off, Torchwood. I also love Dexter, Mad Men, The Mighty Boosh, Men of a Certain Age, Breaking Bad and I've even been fairly entertained by True Blood (except for this past season, blech). Now adding Bored to Death to the mix. Also, I'll admit to having a weak spot for the T.A.P.S. guys of Ghost Hunters. Not bad for a girl who doesn't believe in having cable. If I like you, I might eventually share my secret streaming sites with you!

MUSIC:
Tom Waits has my heart and always will, but if you can accept playing second fiddle to him, then we're good. And if you literally do play second fiddle to him, call me! Now!

I listen to mostly college radio fare... y'know, the stuff that Pitchfork gives a 7.0 or higher kind of stuff. That sounds trite, doesn't it? Yeah. My radio seems to either be on WABE for Classical/NPR/PRI, or it's on Album 88. If I'm at home in front of the computer, I'll try to turn on WFMU for the sheer variety of it. See my list of 50 bands that I've seen live, if you want even more insight.

FOOD:

Generally, I prefer Asian food to any other, and in particular just give me a great big bowl of Pho and I'll be happy. I'm also digging these dried veggies that I'm snacking on right now. Voortman's Dark Chocolate Omega 3 Flax Seed cookies don't seem like they'd be tasty, but they really are! My food choices have done a 180 this summer and mostly I'm loving only healthy stuff.

ETC:
I should also add here that I'm one of those wackos who actually loves to attend lectures. It's like being in a classroom all over again (eternal student disease, yes). I won't even get into the list of people whom I've gone out of my way to see give a lecture. I'm probably the only girl I know who only turns into a fan girl when I'm in the presence of some theoretician that I admire. "Will you please sign my first edition of 'Narration in the Fiction Film,' Mr. Bordwell?" (I'm not even kidding in the least about having uttered that before.) And for this reason, I absolutely adore the TED conferences online. If you don't know about the wonderfulness of which I speak, Google "TED: Ideas Worth Spreading" to see what you're missing.

Don't buy into the hype you've heard from anyone else: I watch more documentaries than anyone you've ever met, bar none. I also catch a good deal of fiction films, too. As far as recent releases go, [[(500) Days of Summer]] was a clever little flick. I also enjoyed [[District 9]] and [[Inglourious Basterds]] (despite usually despising Tarantino). Zombieland was just "meh," while I was rather disappointed with Where the Wild Things Are (despite usually adoring Spike Jonze). I did, however, love-love-LOVE Wes Anderson's brilliant take on [[The Fantastic Mr. Fox]] (this is in alignment with me tending to favor Wes's movies in general and my love of stop-motion animation). Now I'm looking forward to [[The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus]]. Terry Gilliam deserves another hit to clear up his less-than-stellar streak. My all-time favorite film is [[The Apartment]] (1960) and the rest of that list of film favorites could go on for ages, including a lot of things you've never heard of or seen, but if you're interested, I'll gladly share them with you... maybe when we start to get to know each other. If you can introduce me to gems that I never knew existed, all the better. Although not really representative of my faves, per se, you can see a list of my "15 Guilty Pleasures" that will grab me every time, which is posted in my Journal section. I don't watch much television, aside from the stuff that I stream online, but I am a sucker for anything [[PBS]] produces ([[NOVA Science NOW]], anyone?) and I do believe that [[30 Rock]] is sheer genius. (And not just because I get the [[Tina Fey]] comparison from time to time.) I also seem to be digging [[Community]]. Thanks to a friend's advice, I recently gave [[Doctor Who]] a try and it hooked me immediately. I've since watched every episode and even finished off its spin-off, [[Torchwood]]. I also love [[Dexter]], [[Mad Men]], [[The Mighty Boosh]], [[Breaking Bad]] and I've even been fairly entertained by [[True Blood]] (except for this past season, blech). Now adding [[Bored to Death]] to the mix. Also, I'll admit to having a weak spot for the T.A.P.S. guys of [[Ghost Hunters]]. Not bad for a girl who doesn't believe in having cable. If I like you, I might eventually share my secret streaming sites with you! My all time favorite book is [[Moby-Dick]] and if you can quote lines to me from it, it's better than poetry. I most recently read [[BONK]]: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, by Mary Roach, the same woman who wrote STIFF and SPOOK. I find her ease of conveying a subject to be both delightful and incredibly informative. I would recommend that, along with another recent (albeit begrudging) read, [[Eat Pray Love]], which had been suggested to me repeatedly and I had avoided it for that very reason, because I simply do not buy into hype machines. I have to say, however, it was so eye opening and life changing. I've also been trying to finish [[2012: The Return of Quetzacoatl]] for a dog's age now, but all he keeps talking about are his drug trips. Give me aliens or parallel universes or something! Maybe I'll finish it before the year actually gets here :) Generally, I prefer Asian food to any other, and in particular just give me a great big bowl of [[Pho]] and I'll be happy. I'm also digging these dried veggies that I'm snacking on right now. Voortman's Dark Chocolate Omega 3 Flax Seed cookies don't seem like they'd be tasty, but they really are! My food choices have done a 180 this summer and I'm loving mostly only healthy stuff. [[Tom Waits]] has my heart and always will, but if you can accept playing second fiddle to him, then we're good. And if you literally do play second fiddle to him, call me! Now! I listen to mostly [[college radio]] fare... y'know, the stuff that [[Pitchfork]] gives a 7.0 or higher kind of stuff. That sounds trite, doesn't it? Yeah. My radio seems to either be on [[WABE]] for Classical tunes and [[NPR]]/[[PRI]], or it's on [[Album 88]]. If I'm at home in front of the computer, I'll try to turn on [[WFMU]] for the sheer variety of it. Again, see my Journal posts for a list of 50 bands that I've seen live, if you want more insight. Also, thanks to my pal <<grownupunk>>, I now have an addiction to [[the61]]: www.thesixtyone.com/theshecreature I should also add here that I'm one of those wackos who actually loves to attend [[lectures]]. It's like being in a classroom all over again (eternal student disease, yes). I won't even get into the list of people whom I've gone out of my way to see give a lecture. I'm probably the only girl I know who only turns into a fan girl when I'm in the presence of some [[theoretician]] that I admire. "Will you please sign my first edition of 'Narration in the Fiction Film,' Mr. Bordwell?" (I'm not even kidding in the least about having uttered that before.) And for this reason, I absolutely adore the [[TED]] conferences online. If you don't know about the wonderfulness of which I speak, Google "TED: Ideas Worth Spreading" to see what you're missing, or just look at a few that I've posted in my journalsThe six things I could never do without:

Creativity
Compassion
Connection
Intellect
Humor
Dogs

If you have your mobile device or texting in this section, please just cross me off your list of hopeful matches right now. kthnxbai!!!1!

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

...dropping this whole online dating thing entirely.

Not because I've found "the one" and not that I'm having zero luck either, because that's never been an issue. I'm just not having the kind of experience that I'd like to have, which just leaves me not wanting to bother.

Does anyone remember the days when you'd meet someone in real life (y'know: "IRL") and feel butterflies, then let that cool feeling grow slowly over time as you realize the more you see that person, the more you keep thinking about them when they're not around; and then one day you both realize that you've been flirting long enough and one of you asks the other out, then fun, magical things happen from there? Do you remember those days? You don't? Yeah, me neither.

I've been using the digital stud service on-and-off for a decade now and it's never felt very meaningful. I want my "how we met story" to have meaning and feel natural. I no longer want more of the same old, same old: "We pick each other out of a huge line-up, where we hedge our bets by having other similar hotties lined up to fit the bill, too. We compare a list of favorites, including our preferred sexual practices, then agree to meet in person, where we size each other up and compare more favorites, while trying to decide if the other person meets with our approval (or until we've had enough drinks to not care if they didn't quite live up to our expectations), before we get naked and play a little 'slap -n- tickle' in some sort of performance test-drive." I'm tired of feeling like I have to prepare for a new date the same way you prepare for a job interview or go on a used car search.

No offense to those of you who love the digital stud service, but I think it's time to put myself out to pasture... to let my love life "go green" and let nature take its course.

I also think a lot about robots.

Edited by

Why do they still even have this section? My "never withouts" include: [[Creativity]] [[Compassion]] [[Connection]] [[Intellect]] [[Humor]] [[Dogs]] If you have your mobile device or texting in this section, please just cross me off your list of hopeful matches right now. kthnxbai!!!1!

On a typical Friday night I am:

I don't know. Do most people have a "typical Friday night" thing to do? Tell me about it... Do you bowl? Trivia? Catch up on your TiVo? Consume as much alcohol as possible to forget how much you hate your 9-to-5? You probably wouldn't admit that last one.

Generally, you can find me at home. Or just maybe you might find me at the movies or the drive-in. Possibly, I'm catching a band or out to eat with friends. I'd rather be cuddled up with a cute boy.

Edited by

...dropping this whole online dating thing entirely. Not because I've found "the one" and not that I'm having zero luck either, because that's never been an issue. I'm just not having the kind of experience that I'd like to have, which just leaves me not wanting to bother. Does anyone remember the days when you'd meet someone in real life (y'know: "IRL") and feel butterflies, then let that cool feeling grow slowly over time as you realize the more you see that person, the more you keep thinking about them when they're not around; and then one day you both realize that you've been flirting long enough and one of you asks the other out, then fun, magical things happen from there? Do you remember those days? You don't? Yeah, me neither. I've been using the digital stud service on-and-off for a decade now and it's never felt very meaningful. I want my "how we met story" to have meaning and feel natural. I no longer want more of the same old, same old: "We pick each other out of a huge line-up, where we hedge our bets by having other similar hotties lined up to fit the bill, too. We compare a list of favorites, including our preferred sexual practices, then agree to meet in person, where we size each other up and compare more favorites, while trying to decide if the other person meets with our approval (or until we've had enough drinks to not care if they didn't quite live up to our expectations), before we get naked and play a little 'slap -n- tickle' in some sort of performance test-drive." I'm tired of feeling like I have to prepare for a new date the same way you prepare for a job interview or go on a used car search. No offense to those of you who love the online stud service, but I think it's time to put myself out to pasture... to let my love life "go green" and let nature take its course. I also think a lot about robots.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: 

This isn't very private, but it's relative...

Back when I first filled out a dating profile, in the early days of online dating -- long before social networking or virtual reality sites, when unicorns and dinosaurs frolicked together -- I once put up an ad looking for someone who'd like to join me in becoming the first couple to meet online and get married online, before ever meeting in person. Sadly, no one took me up on that offer. Some people just lack a sense of adventure, I guess!

Honestly, I'm surprised that people still manage to find a match and get married in real life anymore, what with all the computer, media, consumer distractions everywhere!

Edited by

I don't know. Do most people have a "typical Friday night" thing to do? Tell me about it... Do you bowl? Trivia? Catch up on your TiVo? Consume as much alcohol as possible to forget how much you hate your 9-to-5? You probably wouldn't admit that last one. Generally, you can find me at home. Or just maybe you might find me at the movies or the drive-in. Possibly, I'm catching a band or out to eat with friends. I'd rather be cuddled up with a cute boy.

This isn't very private, but it's relative... Back when I first filled out a dating profile, in the early days of online dating -- long before social networking or virtual reality sites, when unicorns and dinosaurs frolicked together -- I once put up an ad looking for someone who'd like to join me in becoming the first couple to meet online and get married online, before ever meeting in person. Sadly, no one took me up on that offer. Some people just lack a sense of adventure, I guess! Now, I'm just surprised that people still can manage to find a match and get married in real life anymore, what with all the computer, media, consumer distractions everywhereYou should message me if:

Still want more? OK, let's talk about you!

You enjoy museums, bookstores, libraries, art house theaters, documentaries, travel, spiritual seeking (without a religious label) and/or geek girls with glasses and really big... brains.

You go out of your way to try/research/discover new things and possibly have an appreciation for the bizarre, novel or quirky.

You have an intellectual curiosity about the world around you.

You have a healthy understanding of your own emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries; thus, you're quite capable of recognizing and respecting them in others, too.

Your wild years are behind you, but your youthful outlook isn't.

You're loyal, compassionate and come from a spiritually/psychologically/physically healthy perspective.

You understand the value of solitude and stillness.

You can identify with this Orson Welles quote: "I passionately hate the idea of being with it; I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time."

You do not see Socialism as something to be feared.

You love animals. I'm not Vegan, not even Veggie yet (although I was at one time), so I can tolerate it just fine if you also love the taste of them. But I am hopeful to finally meet someone who believes in rescue, adoption and anti-cruelty to the core of you.

You dig new energy, going green and progressive thinking.

You drive a Smart Car. They're adorable and I really want to ride in one. It's not a prereq, however... it's just gravy.

Speaking of gravy, I have a thing for guys who are good with their hands. Does that sounds dirty? I mean to say I dig guys who can fix things -- cars, houses, gardens, spines, etc. Not all guys who can fix things; just the smart, cute ones.

Or, you've ever been able to relate to this video:

Curiouser and Curiouser

I noticed a strange series of coincidences today and I would hazard to say there was a pattern that might be fun to share. Let me enumerate:

1) I headed out this morning to the post office. While filling something out at one of those stand-up counter things, a guy walking by asked if they had a UPS box there. I told him they only had a FedEx box, but he would have better luck if he tracked down one of those Mailboxes, Etc type places. He thanked me and away he went.

2) From there, I went to the gas station and before I left, a gentleman pulled in and asked me for directions. I gave him my best approximation, he thanked me and drove off.

3) I dropped by the library, so that I could make some photocopies of a bunch of forms. While I was at the copier, a lady came up next to me and was trying to figure out the "sign up for a computer" computer and confused by it, she asked me for help. I showed her how to do it, she thanked me profusely and wandered off to find her assigned computer.

4) Moments later, another woman walked up on the other side of me to use the computer printer station, which prints from the copier that I was using. Not knowing how to do it, she just went ahead and released her big print job and used up all of my copier money in the process. Realizing her mistake, she apologized immediately and I just explained how she could go ahead and feed her money into the change accepter for my copies and we'd be just fine. She thanked me and left.

5) Next stop was a government office, which is where I had to drop off those copies that I was making. On my way into the building, a woman asked me how to get to the office she needed. Then again on my way out of the building, another woman asked me how to get to a different office. They both thanked me and went on their way, too.

6) Next stop was the grocery store. At check-out, my Indian cashier got immediately excited when she spotted the box of Matar Paneer in my cart. She told me she had no idea her store had that there and asked which aisle she could find it. I pointed it out to her, explained exactly where it was... she thanked me profusely, we chatted some more as she checked me out and then wished me a good day.

7) Finally, I dropped by a convenience store, because my daughter had found an old Lotto scratch ticket and it appeared to be a winner, but the rules were a little confusing. I took it into a store to find out if it was for real and if it was even still valid. The clerk asked me what I thought it was, I showed him the rules and that it appeared as if I'd won $50, he ran it through the lottery computer and it came up a winner. Then we had a great laugh as he paid me the winnings and he thanked me as I was leaving for letting him have the experience of seeing one of those scratch tickets actually have a sizable winning, rather than just winning another scratch card.

Okay, that last one might be a stretch, but do you see the pattern? And let me add that this was all in the span of just one hour. It was as if I was wearing a Google shirt, or I was walking around behind an information kiosk or reference desk.

If this were the only time this ever happened, I'd just chalk it up to one very weird outing. However, things like this happen to me EVERY time I leave the house. I can just be walking through a store and someone will come up to me and ask me where the such-n-such is... or I can be walking down the street and someone will stop me and ask me how to get somewhere. It used to happen only once a day, but lately it's been happening more and more... and today was just plain uncanny.

What do you think it means? I have my guesses, but I'm interested what you would guess if it were happening to you. If you're one of those people who don't believe in signs, that's fine, but please don't bother to respond with "it means nothing," because that's not using your creativity. I want you to have fun with it. Pretend you're writing a movie and the heroine keeps getting shown signs like this... what would be the next plot point?

Not-So-Merry-Go-Round

Earlier today, I took a nap. Yes, on a Tuesday afternoon. It's the kind of "fun" you can have if you're unemployed, instead of, say, earning a paycheck to do something that is actually fun. Anyway, I decided to take a short nap. 


What surprised me by this little siesta was the vividness of the dream that I had during that time. I don't usually remember dreams, because, let's face it, most dreams are extremely boring anyway. Please don't tell me about your "crazy dream" that really isn't crazy at all, unless you really want to see me roll my eyes and then have me interrupt you as you prattle on when I dial up the Moviefone guy just to hear someone interesting talk. 

That said, I'm going to talk about my dream now, and you can feel free to commence the dramatic eye-rolling and Moviefone dialing, if you wish. I have it coming. 

Honestly, this wasn't a "crazy" dream... it was more one of those crystal clear, realistic dreams. In the dream, I ran into an old ex-boyfriend ... no, I will not say who. No, not even if you use "sugar on top" of your "pretty please." Just know that I never dated this person anytime this century. Now at least some of you can stop wondering if it's you. Anyway, this person and I randomly ran into each other somewhere public and started talking to catch up. In that conversation, things were warm and genuine and it felt like no time had passed since we'd last seen each other. 

With the reunion going so well, we decided to continue the conversation in a quieter location, and so we embarked on a hike through the woods at night (still not sure why we'd do this at night, except that it made things more challenging, yet less distracting). During the hike, we helped each other navigate very hilly, dark trails covered in roots and rocks on a wooded mountainside, all the while continuing to talk and reconnect, and occasionally running across other old friends on this same path. When we neared the top of the mountain, I awoke from this all-too-short dream with the whole experience as fresh and vivid as if it had actually happened. 

Aside from telling me that I need to be more active, what this dream seemed to show me most of all was the very feeling that I was looking for in a partner: someone who feels familiar, yet still intriguing; someone with a sense of adventure and an ability to stay positive even when the path gets difficult; someone who brings out my best and for whom I could do the same in return. Simple, natural, rare... not something that can be forced, for sure. It's likely something most of you can relate to, I would guess. 

Mind you, I do not think that this specific ex-boyfriend is necessarily "the one," but that he was merely a representative of someone with whom I'd feel that familiar connection and an example of a personality that I remember as positive. Basically, he was my dream's way of presenting me with a connection shortcut, so that I could quickly understand what I've forgotten. When you're single and running the dating world obstacle course for so long, you tend to lose sight of that kind of thing. The process forces you to go looking for someone with "this look" or "that personality" or "likes this taste in music, movies, food, but not this other taste" or "this list of assets, but not this other list of liabilities," and other stats and data, ad infinitum. 

Most importantly, however, the dream clarified something else: online dating is not for me. 

So tonight, I decided to do a little update to my OKCupid dating profile... something that I've been thinking about for a while now, anyway. Maybe it's the fact that I already have to face job interviews (if I'm lucky) that leaves me not wanting more of that kind of interaction in my personal life. Or maybe I've finally seen the light about online dating sites and wish to stop the insanity after banging my head on this wall for a whole decade and expecting different results. I have yet to decide if I want to delete my whole profile entirely, put it into hibernation, or just leave the whole thing up as a "work of art" up, but never return. Until I figure it out, I decided to leave this update in one of my profile sections: 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

"...dropping this whole online dating thing entirely. 

Not because I've found 'the one' and not that I'm having zero luck either, because that's never been an issue. I'm just not having the kind of experience that I'd like to have, which just leaves me not wanting to bother. 

Does anyone remember the days when you'd meet someone in real life (y'know: 'IRL') and feel butterflies, then let that cool feeling grow slowly over time as you realize the more you see that person, the more you keep thinking about them when they're not around; and then one day you both realize that you've been flirting long enough and one of you asks the other out, then fun, magical things happen from there? Do you remember those days? You don't? Yeah, me neither. 

I've been using the digital stud service on-and-off for a decade now and it's never felt very meaningful. I want my "how we met story" to have meaning and feel natural. I no longer want more of the same old, same old: 'We pick each other out of a huge line-up, where we hedge our bets by having other similar hotties lined up to fit the bill, too. We compare a list of favorites, including our preferred sexual practices, then agree to meet in person, where we size each other up and compare more favorites, while trying to decide if the other person meets with our approval (or until we've had enough drinks to not care if they didn't quite live up to our expectations), before we get naked and play a little 'slap -n- tickle' in some sort of performance test-drive.' I'm tired of feeling like I have to prepare for a new date the same way you prepare for a job interview or go on a used car search. 

No offense to those of you who love the online stud service, but I think it's time to put myself out to pasture... to let my love life "go green" and let nature take its course. 

I also think a lot about robots." 

-------------

UPDATE 01/24/10: It's officially official. Goodbye dating profile... rest in peace. I hardly knew ye. Actually, I knew ye quite well... I just didn't like any of your friends.

Fill me up, Buttercup.

So it's been exactly six months now. Yeah, six months of having everything get back to normal. Signs of that strange, cohabitating year have steadily disappeared as life moves on. Barely a trace left... well, that is with the exception of one big thing:

The empty armoire.

I had completely forgotten that I'd painstakingly emptied one of my two bedroom armoires to make room for him back in June of '08. I see it every day and think nothing of it being completely bare inside, because I never think to open it. Until today. When I opened it, I was shocked at the emptiness that I saw. Felt a little like opening and peeking around my heart, actually.

So now I am in the process of filling it back up again, with all manner of things that I love... and only with things that I love. Each item that I put inside, I ask myself, "Do I truly love this?" And if the answer isn't a resounding "Yes!" then I toss it aside, to be given away to someone who can use or appreciate it.

It's a big project, and it might take me a day or two to finish, but it feels really good.