Not-So-Merry-Go-Round

Earlier today, I took a nap. Yes, on a Tuesday afternoon. It's the kind of "fun" you can have if you're unemployed, instead of, say, earning a paycheck to do something that is actually fun. Anyway, I decided to take a short nap. 


What surprised me by this little siesta was the vividness of the dream that I had during that time. I don't usually remember dreams, because, let's face it, most dreams are extremely boring anyway. Please don't tell me about your "crazy dream" that really isn't crazy at all, unless you really want to see me roll my eyes and then have me interrupt you as you prattle on when I dial up the Moviefone guy just to hear someone interesting talk. 

That said, I'm going to talk about my dream now, and you can feel free to commence the dramatic eye-rolling and Moviefone dialing, if you wish. I have it coming. 

Honestly, this wasn't a "crazy" dream... it was more one of those crystal clear, realistic dreams. In the dream, I ran into an old ex-boyfriend ... no, I will not say who. No, not even if you use "sugar on top" of your "pretty please." Just know that I never dated this person anytime this century. Now at least some of you can stop wondering if it's you. Anyway, this person and I randomly ran into each other somewhere public and started talking to catch up. In that conversation, things were warm and genuine and it felt like no time had passed since we'd last seen each other. 

With the reunion going so well, we decided to continue the conversation in a quieter location, and so we embarked on a hike through the woods at night (still not sure why we'd do this at night, except that it made things more challenging, yet less distracting). During the hike, we helped each other navigate very hilly, dark trails covered in roots and rocks on a wooded mountainside, all the while continuing to talk and reconnect, and occasionally running across other old friends on this same path. When we neared the top of the mountain, I awoke from this all-too-short dream with the whole experience as fresh and vivid as if it had actually happened. 

Aside from telling me that I need to be more active, what this dream seemed to show me most of all was the very feeling that I was looking for in a partner: someone who feels familiar, yet still intriguing; someone with a sense of adventure and an ability to stay positive even when the path gets difficult; someone who brings out my best and for whom I could do the same in return. Simple, natural, rare... not something that can be forced, for sure. It's likely something most of you can relate to, I would guess. 

Mind you, I do not think that this specific ex-boyfriend is necessarily "the one," but that he was merely a representative of someone with whom I'd feel that familiar connection and an example of a personality that I remember as positive. Basically, he was my dream's way of presenting me with a connection shortcut, so that I could quickly understand what I've forgotten. When you're single and running the dating world obstacle course for so long, you tend to lose sight of that kind of thing. The process forces you to go looking for someone with "this look" or "that personality" or "likes this taste in music, movies, food, but not this other taste" or "this list of assets, but not this other list of liabilities," and other stats and data, ad infinitum. 

Most importantly, however, the dream clarified something else: online dating is not for me. 

So tonight, I decided to do a little update to my OKCupid dating profile... something that I've been thinking about for a while now, anyway. Maybe it's the fact that I already have to face job interviews (if I'm lucky) that leaves me not wanting more of that kind of interaction in my personal life. Or maybe I've finally seen the light about online dating sites and wish to stop the insanity after banging my head on this wall for a whole decade and expecting different results. I have yet to decide if I want to delete my whole profile entirely, put it into hibernation, or just leave the whole thing up as a "work of art" up, but never return. Until I figure it out, I decided to leave this update in one of my profile sections: 

I spend a lot of time thinking about

"...dropping this whole online dating thing entirely. 

Not because I've found 'the one' and not that I'm having zero luck either, because that's never been an issue. I'm just not having the kind of experience that I'd like to have, which just leaves me not wanting to bother. 

Does anyone remember the days when you'd meet someone in real life (y'know: 'IRL') and feel butterflies, then let that cool feeling grow slowly over time as you realize the more you see that person, the more you keep thinking about them when they're not around; and then one day you both realize that you've been flirting long enough and one of you asks the other out, then fun, magical things happen from there? Do you remember those days? You don't? Yeah, me neither. 

I've been using the digital stud service on-and-off for a decade now and it's never felt very meaningful. I want my "how we met story" to have meaning and feel natural. I no longer want more of the same old, same old: 'We pick each other out of a huge line-up, where we hedge our bets by having other similar hotties lined up to fit the bill, too. We compare a list of favorites, including our preferred sexual practices, then agree to meet in person, where we size each other up and compare more favorites, while trying to decide if the other person meets with our approval (or until we've had enough drinks to not care if they didn't quite live up to our expectations), before we get naked and play a little 'slap -n- tickle' in some sort of performance test-drive.' I'm tired of feeling like I have to prepare for a new date the same way you prepare for a job interview or go on a used car search. 

No offense to those of you who love the online stud service, but I think it's time to put myself out to pasture... to let my love life "go green" and let nature take its course. 

I also think a lot about robots." 

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UPDATE 01/24/10: It's officially official. Goodbye dating profile... rest in peace. I hardly knew ye. Actually, I knew ye quite well... I just didn't like any of your friends.