Handle Like Eggs

I'd like to take a break from writing about boyfriends and aging vaginas to talk about parenting. In particular, I want to address the issue of how to father a daughter ... and how it inevitably leads to anxieties about boyfriends and aging vaginas.

Well, it doesn't have to. It could actually lead to no anxieties or issues whatsoever, if done with great love and care. So maybe we should start this discussion with how to steer clear of some of the potholes that could lead your little girl down some dark, otherwise avoidable paths.

#1 - Love her mother. The woman who will be your daughter's first female role model, like it or not, is her mother, and your relationship with her mother is going to set the tone for many, many, MANY of her future romantic relationships. If you're still lucky enough to be married to her mother, just love her with everything you have, and don't be afraid of PDAs. You want a man to come along one day who treats your daughter that way and nothing less than that, right? Then model that behavior for her, so she can recognize it when she sees it ... and more importantly, so she can spot it when it's absent.

#2 - Respect her mother. You'd think this would go hand-in-hand with loving her mother, but you'd be surprised at how many people say or do disrespectful things in private. This kind of talk might seem funny or a way of letting off some steam to you, but your daughter will first identify with you when she's little, then she'll identify with her mother once she's past her teens. If you're divorced and can't think of anything nice to say about your ex at present, then talk about how smart and beautiful you found her mother when you first met ... and milk it. If there weren't any good qualities (c'mon, everyone has something good in them!), then make some up! Mold your daughter into the image you want to see her someday, don't send her down a path of self-loathing. If you're still married, although this should go without saying, DO NOT sneak around on her mother ... especially do not be a repeat offender, while accusing her mother of jealousy. You do not want to see your adult daughter going from one lousy relationship to another, right? If your daughter forms the impression that women in general, or her mother in particular, are irrational, stupid, or otherwise incompetent, how do you think she's going to be able to stride confidently out into this world? Just remember this: if you undermine or belittle her mother's decisions, you were one of them. Let that sink in for a minute.

#3 - Adore your daughter. You don't like princesses? Too bad! Treat her like one anyway. You don't like ponies? Too bad! Buy her every toy pony you can and let her ride as many real ones as possible. When she's a teenager and you don't like her room a mess ... TOO BAD! Tell her that you love what she's done with the place anyway. She gets embarrassed when you try to hug her in public? TOO BAD! Hug her anyway. She will love you for it someday, even if she doesn't realize that in the moment she's trying to squirm away from you. Never ever ever tell her she's gaining weight, dressing weird, awkward, moody, or, heaven forbid, that she's "living her life all wrong." She's not you. She's a better version of you already, because she hasn't been all messed up in the head by anyone else yet. Don't you dare be the one to mess her up first! Along these same lines, never ever say any of these things to her mother either (see #2). You have the power to make or break your daughter's self-confidence ... this is your prime super power. Use it only for good.

#5 - Show interest. Encourage her to explore and try new things by being the sounding board to the things that interest her. What things does she dream about? Where does she want to go? What does she want to do? Who does she want to become? What boy does she have a crush on and why? Ask her to list his good qualities, even if that makes you squirm. If you take an interest, she'll open up and let you in even more, and hopefully come to you whenever she needs advice, rather than her dumb peers. This is especially important to her in regards to boys ... again, even if it makes you squirm. You are the oldest boy in your daughter's life, and you can give her insight in ways that her mother can't. This is your second super power. Use it only for good.

#6 - Be present! Do not, under any circumstances, abandon her. This includes emotional abandonment by just never being there for her when she needs you, as well as actually never being physically present for her. She may seem strong and unaffected by your influence, but trust me on this, she's far more delicate than you know. Basically, treat her blossoming personality like fragile cargo: HANDLE LIKE EGGS and DO NOT DROP. That doesn't mean she needs to be treated like a China doll; she just needs you to think before you act or speak.

If you ...dad-to-be or dad-to-she ... choose not to heed this list of suggestions, well ... that's okay, I suppose. Maybe you'll imbue her with just enough dysfunction to make her funny and interesting. And maybe she'll thank you publicly from the pages of her wildly successful book (or mildly successful blog).