Yeah. A Bit.

So I was at the bank today, talking to the guy working at the info desk about my account issues, when right in the middle of what I'm saying to him, he stops me and says "Does anyone ever tell you that you look like someone? Because you remind me so much of that really funny chick who does the news on Saturday Night Live."

"Tina Fey," I say, nodding.

"Yeah, her! She's hilarious. You must get that a lot."

"Yeah. A bit."

The odd part was that I was sobbing at the time (as I usually am at the bank), pleading for him to have mercy on my soul, and apparently it was then that the guy was reminded of the hilarity of SNL.

"A new poll shows that 66 percent of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job of handling the war in Iraq. And the remaining 34 percent think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --TF, SNL, 10.29.05

What Did I Eat for Lunch Today?

How nice of you to ask!

1 can of Norwegian sardines in olive oil

1 bowl of banana bread flavored oatmeal

2 large tutti-fruity flavored marshmallows

5 large gulps of blueberry-pomegranate juice

Why am I bringing this up?

Because every time I burp,

which I'm doing a lot of,

I'm reminded of the combo.

Owattador Kiyam

Okay, so some of my blogger friends were posting this a while ago and I'm just now getting around to reading it... been a bit distracted. The subject of their blogging was: the Science Fiction Film Canon, based on the reviews of a guy named John Scalzi. Apparently he's been a film reviewer for the last 15 years and he wrote a book called The Rough Guide to Sci-Fi Movies. This, in his opinion, is THE canon... or in his description of these titles: "the 50 science fiction films you have to see before you die."

My friends decided to mark the titles they had already seen with bold fonts and leave the ones they hadn't seen in plain italics. I've followed suit and these are my results:

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Akira
Alien
Aliens
Alphaville
Back to the Future
Blade Runner
Brazil
Bride of Frankenstein
Brother From Another Planet
A Clockwork Orange
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Contact
The Damned
Destination Moon
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Delicatessen
Escape From New York
ET: The Extraterrestrial
Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers (serial)
The Fly (1985 version)
Forbidden Planet
Ghost in the Shell
Gojira/Godzilla
The Incredibles
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956 version)
Jurassic Park
Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior
The Matrix
Metropolis
On the Beach
Planet of the Apes (1968 version)
Robocop
Sleeper
Solaris (1972 version)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The Stepford Wives
Superman
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
The Thing From Another World
Things to Come
Tron
12 Monkeys
28 Days Later
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
2001: A Space Odyssey
La Voyage Dans la Lune
War of the Worlds (1953 version)

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? If you are, then you'd be looking at the movie watching habits of a woman who may very well have never had sex in her nearly 35 years of life. EVER. In fact, if I didn't have the 3 kids, I'd be highly suspicious of my own accounts.

That's by no means ALL of the sci-fi flicks that I've seen. Hells no. This list is but the tip of the cyber iceberg. For all I know now, I've really never had sex and have made it all up as a cover for the small androids I've created out of hundreds of latex condoms (tossing the packaging around to look as if I've seen action) and spare Commodore 64 parts that I've been saving over the years. Or maybe I'm just a human version of a tribble. They are born pregnant, after all.

I've said enough. Time to go feed the unicorn. (Is that a new euphemism?)

Little Known Facts About Me

Not many people realize this, but in the 70s I was abducted by gypsies and forced into a world of slavery and prostitution in the woods of Eastern Europe.

(that's me in front-right)

Tragically, we were attacked by wolves one fateful night. The other girls did not survive, but I recovered fully and a few months later gave birth to healthy triplets.

(that's me in the back)

Creepy Cravings

I'm craving a big, hot bag of boiled peanuts and a tall, frothy root beer.

So, naturally, I'm almost certain that I'm possessed.

The She-Creature Shuffle

Thought I'd post this bulletin response here for the helluvit. Here was the challenge:

1. Open up the music player on your computer.
2. Set it to play your entire music collection.
3. Hit the shuffle command.
4. Tell us the title of the next ten songs that show up (with their musicians), no matter how embarrassing. That's right, no skipping that Carpenters tune that will totally destroy your hip credibility. It's time for total musical honesty. Write it up in your blog or journal and link back to at least a couple of the other sites where you saw this.
5. If you get the same artist twice, you may skip the second (or third, or etc.) occurrences. You don't have to, but since randomness could mean you end up with a list of ten songs with five artists, you can if you'd like.


So out of 15,000 songs that take up 70 gigabytes and could play for more than 40 days and 40 nights without repeating anything, this random selection is surprisingly better than any playlist that I could have put together myself (although it could do with a dash of Tom Waits)...

01 - The Smiths - Paysted Way
02 - The Impossible Shapes - Always the Way
03 - Portastatic - The Angeles of Sleep
04 - Damien Jurado - Intoxicated Hands
05 - Arnold Schoenberg - track 9 from "Pierrot Lunaire"
06 - Jo Ann Castle - Tico Tico
07 - The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
08 - Sun Kil Moon - Pancho Villa
09 - Warren Zevon - Model Citizen
10 - The Rolling Stones - She's a Rainbow

Hmm, I'm feeling a little WFMU-ish right now. I should have my own Podcast, shouldn't I? Does anyone want to know what the next 10 would be? Okay...

11 - Sloan - Everything You've Done Wrong
12 - The Wolfgang Press - Cut the Tree
13 - Okkervil River - Black Sheep Boy
14 - Great Lake Swimmers - Bodies and Minds
15 - The Wipers - Up in Flames
16 - Maserati - Ambassador of Cinema
17 - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Loverman
18 - Gary Numan - Dream Police
19 - Steve Reich - Drumming (3)
20 - William Shatner - Spleen

And then I decided to keep going to the next ten... they were:

21 - Red House Painters - Long Distance Runaround
22 - Cursive - Art Is Hard
23 - God in 3 Persons - Service
24 - Thelonius Monk - North of the Sunset
25 - Rilo Kiley - Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You
26 - Sam Phillips - Standing Still
27 - Deerhoof - L'amour Stories
28 - The Misfits - Dr. Phibes Rises Again
29 - Danielson Famile - Sing to the Singer
30 - Tom Waits - Black Wings (Live at the Raven Theater)

And after that I realized it was 4:20 AM and I'd been listening to music for a couple hours. So that's a perfect place to end. Nite!

Urine Gone!

So tonight I'm minding my own business, cringing while watching tv as I often do when I realize I'm absorbed in yet another reality show. I have an excuse this time though: it was ABC's HOOKING UP about online dating, and as you all know from my previous posts, I can relate to the horror of it all.

So, right smack dab in the middle of the show about 11 single women in NYC is a commercial for a product called URINE GONE*, because... I guess there's... uh... a lot of urine involved with online dating? Or a lot of lonely, single people with too many cats and not enough litter boxes watching this show? I can vouch for both of those guesses.

If you haven't yet seen this beauty of a marketing campaign, I'm not sure that I can do it any real justice here. I tried to search for the commercial online, but only came up with stills for this product, like the ones that follow (photos by Greyhawk68):

See, I'm not kidding. This is for real.

But the commercial is so bad that it begins parodying itself almost immediately. It's shot in typical infomercial/as-seen-on-tv/hi-cheese lighting, with added "scientific" blacklight segments to show the unseen urine and various other organic stains. Remember those 20/20 specials where they go into hotels and show you with a blacklight all the places on the comforter/chair/wall/mirror/ceiling that bodily fluids have been squirted? Well this commercial is rife with that kind of gross-out factor!

I found myself smirking just a bit when it first came on... then a bit more... then giggling... and before long, the giggles turned into guffaws, particularly when I saw this screen:

Not only was I laughing so hard that I nearly wet myself, which ironically would cause me to need this product (and thus had me seeing the genius behind the advertising campaign), but at this point I also became thoroughly confused.

I mean, you tell me: are we supposed to understand this as a substance that "works on" actually removing troublesome "wood, tile, concrete, linoleum," or is it a cleaner that gets that pesky urine out of your "blood, feces, organic matter"? Urine Gone, don't leave me hanging! Inquiring minds want to know!

Despite my confusion, I love this ad. It's true. I love you, Urine Gone commercial! With every ounce of "organic matter" in my body! Indoors & out!

(* Urine Gone is not to be confused with SEMENEX**.)

(** And Semenex should NEVER be confused with SEMENAX.)