You know the little factoids that the Oscars announcer reads in regards to each winner? "Susanne Fishman spent 8 years studying the mating habits of naked mole rats to make SUBTERRANEAN ORGY BLUES." You know, those kind of things.
I briefly fantasized tonight that my film had won for something and as I walked to the stage from the nosebleed section, the announcer's factoid would have been, "Sherri Larsen spent two straight months holed up in her house, surviving on nothing more than bison summer sausage, eggs, and Diet Coke to make her film. The ensuing diarrhea is also how she lost the weight to fit into her Oscar gown." (Insert cut to Brittany Murphy and Calista Flockhart clapping furiously and nodding to one another.)
Then I imagined that the instant popularity would bring me an offer to be the new Trim Spa spokesmodel, what with Anna Nicole's recent dirt nap.
---ADDENDUM---
I have to add this, because I'd forgotten it earlier, when Celine Dion (whose name also forms the words Satan Incarnate, I think) had stared directly into the camera and instantly reached into my soul and the pure, blood-chilling fear that it gave me blotted out any memories I may have had about show moments previous to her appearance.
My thoughts on the McDonald's commercial during the awards show:
During the first set of commercials, this curious thing comes on, with all these kids of different nationalities in their native countries, running around and yelling in their native languages, until you get to a kid that speaks English, and he's like "Dad's making dinner," or some shit like that, then it flashes to a scene with a father putting two bags of McDonald's on the kitchen table.
I was watching that and my mind raced forward to a better last shot... there's dad, tired, sweaty, zombie-like in his depressed state... flipping the burgers at McDonald's... and there are the kids waiving to him from the counter, bragging about how they get all the free fries they want ever since dad's job got outsourced to India. Then they cut to the Indian dad, bringing home McDonald's to his kids.
That works for me on so many levels.
Maybe I'm just evil.
It can and did happen! Tell-all blog about dating ... well, tell-most ... tell-some ... regardless, it's TMI.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
These aren't the droids you're looking for either.
100 Q's
1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT?
There's a great big one on my heart and it seems that the scab gets picked at from time to time, making me cry. I got it in... a... um... great. Now I'm crying again. Thanks a lot!
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Um, paint? A window and a couple of doors? Who cares.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
It looks kind of like a phone, without a cord, that can go places with me.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
The kind that I like.
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
A ladybug... I need all the good luck I can get these days.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
These kinds of questions are for wishes, and if I tell you that, then it won't happen, will it. What I really want is for life to stop disappointing me so much, but that's not gonna happen... so I guess I'll set my expectations lower, like... I really, really really want an eclair. Mmm-boy.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Eclairs.
8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
Don't know. I wasn't wearing a watch.
10. WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
You're picking at scars again. Here come the tears. Shit.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes, but not in movie theaters.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
The writer of this survey... and... and... and... *sob*
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don't wear that kind of junk. Generally, it's a lotion that's lightly scented.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Brown/brown, though that's just a minor preference that I've always been willing to ignore, if the person's personality or charms beguiled me somehow.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee.
17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPINGS?
Pepperoni.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
See questions 6 and 7.
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
There we go with the tears and I had just gotten that under control.
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Ywhay, esyay, ofay oursecay.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Who can remember that?
22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I like a lot of someones.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
Whatever.
25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
A flying one.
27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Gays should have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
*sniffle*
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I'm not good at that... my attempts at being subtle often go unnoticed, and anything grander often passes as offensive.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
You suck.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
For what?
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My mother, probably... wait, no, that's the number that shows up on my phone the most, but it's usually her calling me... a dozen times per day.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Being misunderstood. And that I'm still answering these questions.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US?
Sure, I've been out of the us, in the us, near the us, confused by an us, and pined for an us.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Eclairs. Penises... hmm... which just happen to be somewhat eclair-shaped... Hooray! I've finally found the connection!
36. FAVORITE COLOR?
I'm pretty unbiased.
37. FIRST JOB?
First, let me take my mind out of the gutter. There, okay. Dog walking after school, which I'd love to have that kind of fun work again.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Duh. When I was a teen. Hasn't everyone?
39.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT?
Looking at movie times for this weekend.
41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE?
Great. Now I'm crying again. Fucking sadist.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Daydreaming.
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WEED BECAME LEGAL?
Um, nothing at all.
46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Apparently, cheerleaders... my parents were young and just wanted a name that sounded like a good cheerleader name. Five Sherris in my high school, guess which one wasn't a cheerleader?
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I wish I'd never seen that Britney Spears crotch thing... does that count?
48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
You expect me to say my middle one, don't you. Well, no. I like my thumbs, I guess.
49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Thanks a lot, Barbara Walters. There go the waterworks again.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Still trying to make me cry, huh?
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Daydreaming, eclairs, penises, filling out surveys.
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD?
Now why would I tell you that?
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, I'm pretty funny... and I can keep a secret.
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
What did I just say?
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes. Wait, what are we talking about?
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
You're trying to make me cry again and it's not going to work.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Home is where the heart is... and I've heard that your second home is where your dick is, or something like that.
59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not a damn bit.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Star Wars action figures and a spotted, stuffed dog named Jingles.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I have no freaking clue.
62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Me? Never!
63. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
The f-word, apparently... and the word "apparently".
64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
I try to avoid such foolery.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
A sense of humor... a penis... a steady supply of eclairs...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
She, the She-Creature... I don't really take well to nicknames.
67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
Oh, here come the damn tears!
68. ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORIES?
Too many to list... most of them are related to films or animals, very rarely are they related to people.
69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
My heart out... never gets me anywhere though.
71. WHAT'S THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
My legs. Damn, I need to shave.
73. WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE SINGERS?
Tom Waits. Bar none.
74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Zero, and not because they were pulled, but because I was born without them. So just think, I'm more highly evolved that the rest of you chimps!
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Fuck no. I don't have the time or the inclination to read them.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Sunday - Xiu Xiu Larsen
77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Leftover chicken and some green tea.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Leila.
79. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
A sense of humor... a penis... a supply of eclairs (or lack thereof).
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
I don't know.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
It's quickly becoming this survey.
82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Green tea.
83.ZODIAC SIGN?
Sagittarius, fucker.
84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Sports are icky.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Right now it's red.
86. EYE COLOR?
Last I checked, they were still green.
88. SIBLINGS?
2 half-sisters.
89. FAVORITE MONTH?
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Yes.
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Robot Chicken, Season 1 on dvd.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Boxing Day.
93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Not really. Why, you know something I don't know?
94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Spring.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
This answer depends on the partner in question.
97.WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Doesn't matter... and my advice is don't do it.
98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Who cares.
99.WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
That there will be 100 more questions when I scroll down.
100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
No... er, yes... er, uh, no... um, I mean... fuck if I know! Great, now I'm crying again!
1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT?
There's a great big one on my heart and it seems that the scab gets picked at from time to time, making me cry. I got it in... a... um... great. Now I'm crying again. Thanks a lot!
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Um, paint? A window and a couple of doors? Who cares.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR MOBILE PHONE LOOK LIKE?
It looks kind of like a phone, without a cord, that can go places with me.
4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
The kind that I like.
5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
A ladybug... I need all the good luck I can get these days.
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
These kinds of questions are for wishes, and if I tell you that, then it won't happen, will it. What I really want is for life to stop disappointing me so much, but that's not gonna happen... so I guess I'll set my expectations lower, like... I really, really really want an eclair. Mmm-boy.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Eclairs.
8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
Don't know. I wasn't wearing a watch.
10. WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
You're picking at scars again. Here come the tears. Shit.
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes, but not in movie theaters.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
The writer of this survey... and... and... and... *sob*
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don't wear that kind of junk. Generally, it's a lotion that's lightly scented.
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Brown/brown, though that's just a minor preference that I've always been willing to ignore, if the person's personality or charms beguiled me somehow.
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee.
17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPINGS?
Pepperoni.
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
See questions 6 and 7.
19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
There we go with the tears and I had just gotten that under control.
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Ywhay, esyay, ofay oursecay.
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Who can remember that?
22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I like a lot of someones.
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
Whatever.
25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
A flying one.
27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Gays should have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
*sniffle*
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I'm not good at that... my attempts at being subtle often go unnoticed, and anything grander often passes as offensive.
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
You suck.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
For what?
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My mother, probably... wait, no, that's the number that shows up on my phone the most, but it's usually her calling me... a dozen times per day.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Being misunderstood. And that I'm still answering these questions.
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE US?
Sure, I've been out of the us, in the us, near the us, confused by an us, and pined for an us.
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Eclairs. Penises... hmm... which just happen to be somewhat eclair-shaped... Hooray! I've finally found the connection!
36. FAVORITE COLOR?
I'm pretty unbiased.
37. FIRST JOB?
First, let me take my mind out of the gutter. There, okay. Dog walking after school, which I'd love to have that kind of fun work again.
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Duh. When I was a teen. Hasn't everyone?
39.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT?
Looking at movie times for this weekend.
41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE?
Great. Now I'm crying again. Fucking sadist.
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Daydreaming.
43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF WEED BECAME LEGAL?
Um, nothing at all.
46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Apparently, cheerleaders... my parents were young and just wanted a name that sounded like a good cheerleader name. Five Sherris in my high school, guess which one wasn't a cheerleader?
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I wish I'd never seen that Britney Spears crotch thing... does that count?
48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
You expect me to say my middle one, don't you. Well, no. I like my thumbs, I guess.
49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Thanks a lot, Barbara Walters. There go the waterworks again.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Still trying to make me cry, huh?
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Daydreaming, eclairs, penises, filling out surveys.
53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD?
Now why would I tell you that?
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yeah, I'm pretty funny... and I can keep a secret.
55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
What did I just say?
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes. Wait, what are we talking about?
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
You're trying to make me cry again and it's not going to work.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Home is where the heart is... and I've heard that your second home is where your dick is, or something like that.
59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not a damn bit.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Star Wars action figures and a spotted, stuffed dog named Jingles.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
I have no freaking clue.
62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Me? Never!
63. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
The f-word, apparently... and the word "apparently".
64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
I try to avoid such foolery.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
A sense of humor... a penis... a steady supply of eclairs...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
She, the She-Creature... I don't really take well to nicknames.
67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
Oh, here come the damn tears!
68. ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORIES?
Too many to list... most of them are related to films or animals, very rarely are they related to people.
69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
My heart out... never gets me anywhere though.
71. WHAT'S THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
My legs. Damn, I need to shave.
73. WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE SINGERS?
Tom Waits. Bar none.
74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Zero, and not because they were pulled, but because I was born without them. So just think, I'm more highly evolved that the rest of you chimps!
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Fuck no. I don't have the time or the inclination to read them.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Sunday - Xiu Xiu Larsen
77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Leftover chicken and some green tea.
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Leila.
79. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
A sense of humor... a penis... a supply of eclairs (or lack thereof).
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
I don't know.
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
It's quickly becoming this survey.
82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Green tea.
83.ZODIAC SIGN?
Sagittarius, fucker.
84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Sports are icky.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Right now it's red.
86. EYE COLOR?
Last I checked, they were still green.
88. SIBLINGS?
2 half-sisters.
89. FAVORITE MONTH?
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Yes.
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Robot Chicken, Season 1 on dvd.
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Boxing Day.
93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Not really. Why, you know something I don't know?
94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Spring.
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
This answer depends on the partner in question.
97.WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Doesn't matter... and my advice is don't do it.
98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Who cares.
99.WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
That there will be 100 more questions when I scroll down.
100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
No... er, yes... er, uh, no... um, I mean... fuck if I know! Great, now I'm crying again!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Dirty Laundry
Two years ago, I went through a relationship that at the time seemed to be showing me something that I'd desired, and ended up giving me an experience that I'd never forget, try as I might. It was a brief 7-week fling with a man who was on his way to divorce... or so he told me at the time. I went into the experience knowing full well that separations and divorces are messy times, but I chose to believe him when he told me about how he truly needed someone in his life then and that his marriage was truly over.
I used the experience to write out things that had been locking in my psyche for many years, to go into emotions and experiences that I rarely spoke of, much less wrote to anyone... and I tried on the experience to see if it would help me to release old hurts. Little did I know that it put me in a position that I never wished to be --as "the other woman"-- and would leave me with an understanding of love versus obsession that still haunts me today. The main thing that I learned was that love comes to you freely and is returned just as freely, while obsession is the opposite... nothing is free, everything is conditional and everything is managed and controlled. My own marriage had been based mostly in the latter, so seeing it in another couple was enlightening. In addition, feeling free to give whatever I had for no other reason than it was there, that was something that I celebrated even in the end. And in the end, I chose to teach as much as I learned... walking away from someone I held dear, because I deserved better... and because he needed a lesson in letting go.
The other thing that the relationship taught me was that writing was a great way to find meaning in moments that would otherwise be forgotten. Two years later and when I re-read those blog entries, I'm grateful that I have them... not to remember the relationship or to dwell in the past, but to remind me that there are lessons and signs everywhere we look. It's also a great portal into the past for me... because the person I am today isn't the person I was then... but much more than that. It's walking along the beach and turning to look back at your footprints to see how far you've come.
Many of you who read those entries back then wrote to me wanting more of the story... what was going on behind the scenes. I told some of you privately, and I added tiny bits publicly in the comments, but very few knew the whole sordid story.
Until now.
It's been long enough that the major players in that drama have moved on in their lives and shouldn't be concerned if I were to share the details now (keeping everyone anonymous still, of course). If you wish to re-read the entries, I'm including links to them here... you'll be here a while, as I'm as long-winded in those entries as I am right now... but I guarantee it's worth the trip. I'm still quite impressed by some of the profound thoughts that I spelled out there, if I do say so myself.
Under each link, I'm including a synopsis of the behind-the-scenes stuff as I can recall them.
January 05, 2005 - I'VE BEEN GIVEN REASON
Notes from the She-Creature:
The details that are missing are as follows: The Brit (or S, as I also referred to him) had just moved out of his house after trying for several months to live under the same roof with his wife of 16 years (K, as I'll refer to her), who was carrying on an affair with a former student of hers (she taught Advanced English to high school Seniors)... a boy who'd been her student just a couple of years earlier, whom she'd stayed in touch with as his "mentor" and who was at the tender age of 21 at the time. He'd learned of their affair after having his suspicions and hacking into her Hotmail account as well as stumbling upon printed out emails that she'd been saving in a little lockbox. K wanted S to stay under the same roof and allow her to continue to see the boy, so that she could have a live-in babysitter for their two boys (ages 11 and 3)... she even guaranteed that he'd be allowed to date someone as well, just as long as she hand-picked the girl, which she did.
Of course, she never allowed S to follow through with his affair with her friend, because once they stopped sharing their correspondence with K, K got angry and hurt that she was being left out. Yes, it was a sick and twisted scenario. After several months of K's continued transgressions and S trying to stay positive for the kids' sake, even helping her pick out clothes for her dates, S finally blew up one day and that's when K told him that he'd have to find his own place. He moved out at Xmas and I met him the day after New Years... so this all went down fairly quickly.
In our first week together, I continually asked S if he was getting divorced, because his constant tears were a sign that he was not on that path at all... he should have been angry, rather than depressed. He reassured me that there was no going back to that woman, and all I could do was take him at his word... or let him go and not get involved. I fell for the lost puppy dog eyes and for the sincerity that seemed to pour off of him... but I'll admit that I was too close to see the whole picture. What I did see was a mirror into who I was back in 1999 and it was empathy due to my own experience... how I'd wished not to be alone back then... that kept me with S after I met him.
January 12, 2005 - LIFE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL
Notes from the She-Creature:
Pass judgment on me if you must, but I did choose to sleep with a man who was not only still married, but only very recently separated... all of which comes with a lot of baggage. I felt more than capable of carrying some of that baggage, at least for a while. I felt that there was a lesson for me in it... good or bad... and I needed to follow it through for it to be revealed. The beginnings of that new light were being seen in this passage.
January 19, 2005 - LESSONS FROM CRUEL SHOES
Notes from the She-Creature:
I'd continued to learn more and more about S and K's relationship. Apparently, S met K through S's brother M. M was dating his now wife at the time and K had obviously developed a crush on him. Because M was taken, he and his girlfriend thought that K would like S... so they invited S to the States for a visit. S didn't fall instantly. Instead, he met K and saw a pushy, rude, control freak of a woman who seemed a bit unbalanced and too willing to go-off on someone with a hair-trigger switch. When he returned to England, K began writing to him, telling him about how beautiful their kids would look, how great it would be if they were married and could spend time together with M and his girlfriend, raise their kids together, take vacations all around the world together, and grow old together. S fell for this kind of flattery immediately, and within a few months, he was back in the States for good (or for worse). They were married a few months later.
That was only the beginning of the trip to crazytown. K's crush on S's brother didn't stop after she and S married. Instead, it only grew more intense and she eventually wooed M into bed with her... an affair that lasted the first 3 years of their marriage... S+K and M's marriage as well... all behind their spouses' backs. It wasn't until both S and M had their first children and were all on at trip to a local museum when the secret was revealed. K kept following M all around the museum, pleading with M over something with tears in her eyes... S could see them from a distance, but never heard what the conversation was about... though he could tell that his wife was distressed and that his brother was trying to get away from her. When they got in the car, K turned to S and told him about her long affair with his brother, blaming M for the whole thing, of course.
Naturally, this put a rift in the brothers' relationship with one another. S chose to believe K's story, because he had a child with her and wanted to keep his son in his life. Behind the scenes, K continued to harass M, driving him out of the state to find solace in the mountains somewhere. When I stepped into the picture all those year later, I wanted to get to the bottom of this story and help repair S and M's relationship (ha! I said "S and M"), so I wrote to M... that's when I learned just how evil and undermining and manipulative S's wife was.
January 24, 2005 - FULL OF FIRSTS
Notes from the She-Creature:
After I'd gotten S in contact with his brother again, and after we both helped to remove the blinders he'd been wearing regarding K's manipulation tactics, he seemed like a rejuvenated man. He even began writing love letters to me and I asked if it was okay if I published one in my blog. He agreed, though he was hesitant.
Whenever we went out, I couldn't help but notice that he seemed like he was trying to avoid being seen by anyone. This put a lot of doubt in my head about his intentions, but I just kept telling myself that it was my own distrust in people that was seeing things. I'd told him when we first started dating that he needed to tell K that he was seeing someone, but he said she'd explode and he was afraid of her anger. I told him that if he didn't do that, when she did find out it would be far worse, but he didn't budge. So I then told him that he would need to make sure that she had no way to peer into his private life... change his billing address on his cell phone, make sure his online accounts didn't have passwords that she knew, etc. He told me that he'd take care of all of that, but apparently he didn't.
Instead, he'd tell me about his moments of being with K when they'd exchange the kids... how she'd try to put the moves on him and he'd rebuff her... how she'd try to bring up emotional topics that would bring him to tears so she could comfort him. He didn't seem to want to listen when I told him that he needed to seriously put some space between them or he'd be getting spun like a yo-yo forever... that this was his time to set the pattern for the future. He claimed he'd take my comments into advisement, but that he knew what he was doing. I would tell him, I would listen, but beyond that there was nothing I could do. But as you'll read in the next entry, thing continued to be difficult.
January 27, 2005 - BREAD AND SOUP
Notes from the She-Creature:
I no longer remember what S called me about that night, because there were so many conversations involving him crying over something K did or said. The one thing that continued to bother me in these weeks was that S refused to take off his wedding ring... a bad sign if there ever was one. In the next blog, where I tell of us holding hands on our snow walk, I left out that his wedding ring was digging into my knuckles like a thorn. Little did I know how that feeling was going to blow up so quickly and furiously.
January 30, 2005 - BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
Notes from the She-Creature:
As glorious and beautiful as that entry reads, there was oh so much more to that story. Notice first the big gap between the dates of this entry and the next. Why? Things got insane, that's why. First, on the following weekend, which was the Superbowl, as I recall, S and I were standing in my kitchen talking about his divorce when we heard a loud "beep" come from somewhere. We were both confused by it and continued to discuss things when whatever it was beeped again and we heard a voice, "S...., is that you?"
S went white as a sheet... it was his father-in-law, who'd invited him to their house for their annual Superbowl party and S had turned him down this time. Turns out that S was also using an old cellphone of K's that had that 2-way radio function... she must've turned it on at some point and it meant that whoever was in their circle could listen in or talk whenever they wanted. This time it was K's dad, with K obviously there listening in.
A couple days later, I got a phone call from a caller i.d. blocked number (just said "call") on my cell phone. I don't normally answer those, but I did anyway. I said "hello" and was greeted with silence. I said "hello" again, and I heard a breath from someone female or a gasp maybe, and then they hung up on me.
I remembered that the previous day, S had called me from his old house because his 3-year-old was sick and had to stay home from daycare. I told him that he'd need to make sure to call other numbers after mine, so not to leave my number for K to find by hitting "redial." I don't think he did. I also realized that a month had gone by and there was a chance that the cell phone bill had arrived at the house, instead of at S's apartment as I'd advised. Now K had a record of all the calls we'd made to each other, as well as my number.
I called S and told him that I'd just had an anonymous hangup caller and that I was sure it was K. He tried to play it off as a random event, but I swore to him that my gut told me it was her and that I would no longer be answering any calls unless I knew who the caller was. The next day, I got another anonymous call that went to my voicemail... and this time the person left a message.
"IF YOU COME NEAR MY CHILDREN, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"
No doubt about it, it was K. I saved the message to play for S when he came over later... he looked like he was about to vomit. The next day, K called him on the carpet about me and he finally admitted that he was seeing someone. They talked for hours, with K crying and throwing things the whole time. That weekend, S came to spend the night again and all night long K called and called and called from the gate of his apartment complex, begging to be let in... pushing all kinds of buttons while screaming into the phone and leaving unintelligible messages that went on forever. She even tried scaling the fence and fell and hurt herself and called to tell him that she was bleeding.
The next day, she locked herself in her bathroom and cried until she was vomiting. Their oldest son called S repeatedly, asking him what he should do... if he should call 911, if mommy was trying to kill herself, saying that she told him that daddy had a girlfriend and didn't want her anymore. Great. A psycho woman who falls to shit when she realizes she has no control. He waded through the weekend like a zombie... not sleeping, pacing, wanting to go to her... but he waited until it was his turn to have the kids on Monday.
Monday came and he went inside the house, though I told him that he should avoid that from now on... he didn't listen. He went inside and she instantly launched into hysterics again, this time throwing bowls of oatmeal at his head that shattered against walls, and when that didn't work, she threw herself to the floor in a heap. That's all that he told me, though it sounded like he was there for quite some time.
As crazy as all of that sounds, that wasn't the end of the tantrums and tactics... not by a longshot. The next time he came over to pick up the kids, she was standing out on the front lawn alone. When he asked where the kids were, she told him that they were inside and he'd have to get them ready himself, while she waited outside. He took them back to his apartment and they all went to bed for the night. At around 4am, I was typing something for my thesis when an email came from S. This was odd, since he didn't have email access in his apartment. When I read it, I soon realized it wasn't from him at all, but from K... she'd hacked into his email account and wanted to read everything and give me a piece of her mind. I didn't read the whole, long message... instead I called S's cell to let him know that she was insane and had hacked him. I left him a voicemail, because I knew that he'd be asleep, but at least he'd know about this as soon as he woke up... I also assured him that I was going to do nothing until I heard from him.
About 2 minutes after I left my message, my phone rang... it was S calling. I thought that perhaps he heard his phone ring and woke up... but as soon as I said "Hey. Did you get my message," I was greeted with a woman saying, "Obviously you didn't read my whole email, because I said that I stole his phone, too." It was K and my blood ran cold as I braced myself for a trip to crazytown.
She began screaming and ranting all kinds of things... things like what kind of a whore she thought I was, thing like how I should just know that for the rest of her life she'd be able to give S a look and he'd jump back into bed with her... the phone call progressed though as I didn't react in kind. Instead, I told her that I know there's 2 sides to every story, but she had to admit that the tale S had to tell about her wasn't flattering. She admitted that she'd made mistakes, but she also wanted me to know that S wasn't a saint either. She then told me all about how many times in those last several weeks that S had come over to their house immediately after being with me, and trying to get her back in bed... she said that it was she who was doing the refusing, not the other way around. She also told me about their discussions about me after she found out... about how he complained that he wasn't really attracted to my body, and about how he only saw me as a way to stay occupied and to get back at K. She also told me that they weren't getting divorced and that they weren't even separated... that they were giving each other some space, because S's jealousies had become dangerous and obsessive... but that it was just a temporary living arrangement and that his lease was only for 6 months... after that, they'd be back together again. She also asked if I was bothered by all the pictures of her around his apartment... she said she didn't put them there, and she was surprised herself when she saw them.
The truth was that I'd only seen them myself for the first time that week, since we hadn't been spending any time at his place. When I went over there, I was shocked and embarrassed and angry all at once. There had to have been a dozen photos of her in frames on every surface... some with the kids, some alone. I said nothing, but my mood that evening changed drastically and he even asked me what was wrong... I told him that I wasn't well.
Some of the crazy stuff was hearing her say things like, "You like his ass? He's got the best ass, doesn't he? And you know what else? His sons have that same ass." Or, "S can't just have sex with someone... he has to make love and it's easy to fall for that... I bet as soon as you heard that accent, you imagined what that would be like, didn't you?" I listened to all of it for an hour, and by that time K was talking to me like I was her best friend... she said that she'd like me to continue seeing S and hoped that we'd end up together, so that she and I could work on becoming friends. It was very creepy the way her mood just switched like that. She thanked me for listening to her... really listening (and I was, because I didn't want her doing something drastic, and because I knew that at least some of what she was saying had to be true). The conversation would have continued if S's phone hadn't lost its charge and went dead... she called back while I was trying to call her back, so both of our calls went to voicemail... mine apologizing for the disconnection and not wanting her to think that I'd hung up on her... hers thanking me profusely for our talk and for how great I'd handled her call. I saved that message, too, for S to hear later.
He came over that night with his tail between his legs. He'd already been to see K that afternoon, and now he had to deal with me. I noticed right away that he'd taken off his wedding ring. He told me that it was officially over and that the divorce would finally proceed. When I asked him about the pictures in his place, he admitted that he put them up because he missed her and he was trying to win her back. When I asked if, like K had told me, that he'd chase her around their house trying to get her in bed right after being at my place... if that was true... he fully admitted it to be the case and added that he did that because she did that to him after she'd had sex with the boy as well as when she was sleeping with his brother. When I asked if he was unhappy with my body, he said that was true as well, though he thought that he and I were better matched in bed than K and him. When I asked if he only saw me as temporary, he admitted that when he was with me, he had lots of fun and was happy; but that when he wasn't with me, he never really thought about me at all (odd, since that love letter and others like it were written by him without any prompting from me).
I told him that he had a lot to think about, as did I. We went to bed together that night, but as I lay there, I saw a very different man. Behind the sadness, I saw what else he was hiding... and when before I'd felt deeply attracted to him, I looked at him and really looked... I saw a frail, overly thin man, whose head looked too big for his body and whose flesh hung from his bone... I saw a weak, pathetic man whom I normally wouldn't give a second glance. The next day, I wrote the last blog.
February 21, 2005 - NO SLEEP AND YET I DREAM
Notes from the She-Creature:
A couple of days later, it was over. I asked him to give me back movies and various things he'd borrowed and I told him to deal with his divorce and get back to me later. I also said that if he couldn't break the manipulation cycle with K, if he was addicted to it (he called her craziness "passion," that's how dumb he was) then he really needed to consider giving the rest of the world a break and just stay married... no one else needed the kinds of head games those two enjoyed, especially not me.
He kept calling though, for several weeks. I went to the musical that he was in several weeks later and he tried to rekindle things on the phone with me, while still wanting to talk about K and how she was vowing that they'd be best friends to the end and how that made him so happy. That's when I got mad at him at last, telling him that he was a fool and that they could never be friends with the kind of manipulation that they used on one another... that he'd be lucky just to get away with a sense of calm before some other storm hit.
He told me that maybe we shouldn't talk until after his divorce was final, but I responded by telling him not to contact me at all... that I didn't need him messing with my emotions 6 months to a year later, when I might be happily involved with someone else... and even if I wasn't, I didn't want to be part of that weird triangle ever again. I told him that he obviously needed a lesson in letting go, and I was exactly the person to give it to him. That was it... nothing more... except for 2 phone calls a few weeks later. One he asked me if I'd been text messaging him erotic love notes, and I told him that I'd honestly been leaving him totally alone and once again he needed to look in his own backyard for the mysterious messenger. The last call was a misdial that he'd meant for his babysitter, whose name was also Sherri. I suggested to him that he could easily delete my number from his phone, as I had done with his, so that he couldn't make that mistake again. That was that, and in 2 years and just a few miles between us, I haven't seen him or heard from him since.
I honestly don't go looking for drama, yet it always seems to find me. This relationship go-around, however, is filled with as many funny, silly, laughable moments as it has drama... and even the drama seems like it was written for a sitcom. No matter what the outcome, I've now committed myself to writing about it for everyone to share later. I don't know how many tears I'll be getting from my readers then, unless you count tears of laughter... and I'm hoping still that it will have a much better ending (or at least a "to be continued" aspect) than my previous example. I may let segments or scenes slip out from time to time, to get broader feedback... but from here on, if you see an entry that you can't access, just know that the book is coming along nicely.
Damn, look at at the time... it's 4am. I shouldn't let myself start writing after midnight, but that's when the words and memories seem to flow. Creativity is a harsh mistress.
I used the experience to write out things that had been locking in my psyche for many years, to go into emotions and experiences that I rarely spoke of, much less wrote to anyone... and I tried on the experience to see if it would help me to release old hurts. Little did I know that it put me in a position that I never wished to be --as "the other woman"-- and would leave me with an understanding of love versus obsession that still haunts me today. The main thing that I learned was that love comes to you freely and is returned just as freely, while obsession is the opposite... nothing is free, everything is conditional and everything is managed and controlled. My own marriage had been based mostly in the latter, so seeing it in another couple was enlightening. In addition, feeling free to give whatever I had for no other reason than it was there, that was something that I celebrated even in the end. And in the end, I chose to teach as much as I learned... walking away from someone I held dear, because I deserved better... and because he needed a lesson in letting go.
The other thing that the relationship taught me was that writing was a great way to find meaning in moments that would otherwise be forgotten. Two years later and when I re-read those blog entries, I'm grateful that I have them... not to remember the relationship or to dwell in the past, but to remind me that there are lessons and signs everywhere we look. It's also a great portal into the past for me... because the person I am today isn't the person I was then... but much more than that. It's walking along the beach and turning to look back at your footprints to see how far you've come.
Many of you who read those entries back then wrote to me wanting more of the story... what was going on behind the scenes. I told some of you privately, and I added tiny bits publicly in the comments, but very few knew the whole sordid story.
Until now.
It's been long enough that the major players in that drama have moved on in their lives and shouldn't be concerned if I were to share the details now (keeping everyone anonymous still, of course). If you wish to re-read the entries, I'm including links to them here... you'll be here a while, as I'm as long-winded in those entries as I am right now... but I guarantee it's worth the trip. I'm still quite impressed by some of the profound thoughts that I spelled out there, if I do say so myself.
Under each link, I'm including a synopsis of the behind-the-scenes stuff as I can recall them.
January 05, 2005 - I'VE BEEN GIVEN REASON
Notes from the She-Creature:
The details that are missing are as follows: The Brit (or S, as I also referred to him) had just moved out of his house after trying for several months to live under the same roof with his wife of 16 years (K, as I'll refer to her), who was carrying on an affair with a former student of hers (she taught Advanced English to high school Seniors)... a boy who'd been her student just a couple of years earlier, whom she'd stayed in touch with as his "mentor" and who was at the tender age of 21 at the time. He'd learned of their affair after having his suspicions and hacking into her Hotmail account as well as stumbling upon printed out emails that she'd been saving in a little lockbox. K wanted S to stay under the same roof and allow her to continue to see the boy, so that she could have a live-in babysitter for their two boys (ages 11 and 3)... she even guaranteed that he'd be allowed to date someone as well, just as long as she hand-picked the girl, which she did.
Of course, she never allowed S to follow through with his affair with her friend, because once they stopped sharing their correspondence with K, K got angry and hurt that she was being left out. Yes, it was a sick and twisted scenario. After several months of K's continued transgressions and S trying to stay positive for the kids' sake, even helping her pick out clothes for her dates, S finally blew up one day and that's when K told him that he'd have to find his own place. He moved out at Xmas and I met him the day after New Years... so this all went down fairly quickly.
In our first week together, I continually asked S if he was getting divorced, because his constant tears were a sign that he was not on that path at all... he should have been angry, rather than depressed. He reassured me that there was no going back to that woman, and all I could do was take him at his word... or let him go and not get involved. I fell for the lost puppy dog eyes and for the sincerity that seemed to pour off of him... but I'll admit that I was too close to see the whole picture. What I did see was a mirror into who I was back in 1999 and it was empathy due to my own experience... how I'd wished not to be alone back then... that kept me with S after I met him.
January 12, 2005 - LIFE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL
Notes from the She-Creature:
Pass judgment on me if you must, but I did choose to sleep with a man who was not only still married, but only very recently separated... all of which comes with a lot of baggage. I felt more than capable of carrying some of that baggage, at least for a while. I felt that there was a lesson for me in it... good or bad... and I needed to follow it through for it to be revealed. The beginnings of that new light were being seen in this passage.
January 19, 2005 - LESSONS FROM CRUEL SHOES
Notes from the She-Creature:
I'd continued to learn more and more about S and K's relationship. Apparently, S met K through S's brother M. M was dating his now wife at the time and K had obviously developed a crush on him. Because M was taken, he and his girlfriend thought that K would like S... so they invited S to the States for a visit. S didn't fall instantly. Instead, he met K and saw a pushy, rude, control freak of a woman who seemed a bit unbalanced and too willing to go-off on someone with a hair-trigger switch. When he returned to England, K began writing to him, telling him about how beautiful their kids would look, how great it would be if they were married and could spend time together with M and his girlfriend, raise their kids together, take vacations all around the world together, and grow old together. S fell for this kind of flattery immediately, and within a few months, he was back in the States for good (or for worse). They were married a few months later.
That was only the beginning of the trip to crazytown. K's crush on S's brother didn't stop after she and S married. Instead, it only grew more intense and she eventually wooed M into bed with her... an affair that lasted the first 3 years of their marriage... S+K and M's marriage as well... all behind their spouses' backs. It wasn't until both S and M had their first children and were all on at trip to a local museum when the secret was revealed. K kept following M all around the museum, pleading with M over something with tears in her eyes... S could see them from a distance, but never heard what the conversation was about... though he could tell that his wife was distressed and that his brother was trying to get away from her. When they got in the car, K turned to S and told him about her long affair with his brother, blaming M for the whole thing, of course.
Naturally, this put a rift in the brothers' relationship with one another. S chose to believe K's story, because he had a child with her and wanted to keep his son in his life. Behind the scenes, K continued to harass M, driving him out of the state to find solace in the mountains somewhere. When I stepped into the picture all those year later, I wanted to get to the bottom of this story and help repair S and M's relationship (ha! I said "S and M"), so I wrote to M... that's when I learned just how evil and undermining and manipulative S's wife was.
January 24, 2005 - FULL OF FIRSTS
Notes from the She-Creature:
After I'd gotten S in contact with his brother again, and after we both helped to remove the blinders he'd been wearing regarding K's manipulation tactics, he seemed like a rejuvenated man. He even began writing love letters to me and I asked if it was okay if I published one in my blog. He agreed, though he was hesitant.
Whenever we went out, I couldn't help but notice that he seemed like he was trying to avoid being seen by anyone. This put a lot of doubt in my head about his intentions, but I just kept telling myself that it was my own distrust in people that was seeing things. I'd told him when we first started dating that he needed to tell K that he was seeing someone, but he said she'd explode and he was afraid of her anger. I told him that if he didn't do that, when she did find out it would be far worse, but he didn't budge. So I then told him that he would need to make sure that she had no way to peer into his private life... change his billing address on his cell phone, make sure his online accounts didn't have passwords that she knew, etc. He told me that he'd take care of all of that, but apparently he didn't.
Instead, he'd tell me about his moments of being with K when they'd exchange the kids... how she'd try to put the moves on him and he'd rebuff her... how she'd try to bring up emotional topics that would bring him to tears so she could comfort him. He didn't seem to want to listen when I told him that he needed to seriously put some space between them or he'd be getting spun like a yo-yo forever... that this was his time to set the pattern for the future. He claimed he'd take my comments into advisement, but that he knew what he was doing. I would tell him, I would listen, but beyond that there was nothing I could do. But as you'll read in the next entry, thing continued to be difficult.
January 27, 2005 - BREAD AND SOUP
Notes from the She-Creature:
I no longer remember what S called me about that night, because there were so many conversations involving him crying over something K did or said. The one thing that continued to bother me in these weeks was that S refused to take off his wedding ring... a bad sign if there ever was one. In the next blog, where I tell of us holding hands on our snow walk, I left out that his wedding ring was digging into my knuckles like a thorn. Little did I know how that feeling was going to blow up so quickly and furiously.
January 30, 2005 - BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
Notes from the She-Creature:
As glorious and beautiful as that entry reads, there was oh so much more to that story. Notice first the big gap between the dates of this entry and the next. Why? Things got insane, that's why. First, on the following weekend, which was the Superbowl, as I recall, S and I were standing in my kitchen talking about his divorce when we heard a loud "beep" come from somewhere. We were both confused by it and continued to discuss things when whatever it was beeped again and we heard a voice, "S...., is that you?"
S went white as a sheet... it was his father-in-law, who'd invited him to their house for their annual Superbowl party and S had turned him down this time. Turns out that S was also using an old cellphone of K's that had that 2-way radio function... she must've turned it on at some point and it meant that whoever was in their circle could listen in or talk whenever they wanted. This time it was K's dad, with K obviously there listening in.
A couple days later, I got a phone call from a caller i.d. blocked number (just said "call") on my cell phone. I don't normally answer those, but I did anyway. I said "hello" and was greeted with silence. I said "hello" again, and I heard a breath from someone female or a gasp maybe, and then they hung up on me.
I remembered that the previous day, S had called me from his old house because his 3-year-old was sick and had to stay home from daycare. I told him that he'd need to make sure to call other numbers after mine, so not to leave my number for K to find by hitting "redial." I don't think he did. I also realized that a month had gone by and there was a chance that the cell phone bill had arrived at the house, instead of at S's apartment as I'd advised. Now K had a record of all the calls we'd made to each other, as well as my number.
I called S and told him that I'd just had an anonymous hangup caller and that I was sure it was K. He tried to play it off as a random event, but I swore to him that my gut told me it was her and that I would no longer be answering any calls unless I knew who the caller was. The next day, I got another anonymous call that went to my voicemail... and this time the person left a message.
"IF YOU COME NEAR MY CHILDREN, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"
No doubt about it, it was K. I saved the message to play for S when he came over later... he looked like he was about to vomit. The next day, K called him on the carpet about me and he finally admitted that he was seeing someone. They talked for hours, with K crying and throwing things the whole time. That weekend, S came to spend the night again and all night long K called and called and called from the gate of his apartment complex, begging to be let in... pushing all kinds of buttons while screaming into the phone and leaving unintelligible messages that went on forever. She even tried scaling the fence and fell and hurt herself and called to tell him that she was bleeding.
The next day, she locked herself in her bathroom and cried until she was vomiting. Their oldest son called S repeatedly, asking him what he should do... if he should call 911, if mommy was trying to kill herself, saying that she told him that daddy had a girlfriend and didn't want her anymore. Great. A psycho woman who falls to shit when she realizes she has no control. He waded through the weekend like a zombie... not sleeping, pacing, wanting to go to her... but he waited until it was his turn to have the kids on Monday.
Monday came and he went inside the house, though I told him that he should avoid that from now on... he didn't listen. He went inside and she instantly launched into hysterics again, this time throwing bowls of oatmeal at his head that shattered against walls, and when that didn't work, she threw herself to the floor in a heap. That's all that he told me, though it sounded like he was there for quite some time.
As crazy as all of that sounds, that wasn't the end of the tantrums and tactics... not by a longshot. The next time he came over to pick up the kids, she was standing out on the front lawn alone. When he asked where the kids were, she told him that they were inside and he'd have to get them ready himself, while she waited outside. He took them back to his apartment and they all went to bed for the night. At around 4am, I was typing something for my thesis when an email came from S. This was odd, since he didn't have email access in his apartment. When I read it, I soon realized it wasn't from him at all, but from K... she'd hacked into his email account and wanted to read everything and give me a piece of her mind. I didn't read the whole, long message... instead I called S's cell to let him know that she was insane and had hacked him. I left him a voicemail, because I knew that he'd be asleep, but at least he'd know about this as soon as he woke up... I also assured him that I was going to do nothing until I heard from him.
About 2 minutes after I left my message, my phone rang... it was S calling. I thought that perhaps he heard his phone ring and woke up... but as soon as I said "Hey. Did you get my message," I was greeted with a woman saying, "Obviously you didn't read my whole email, because I said that I stole his phone, too." It was K and my blood ran cold as I braced myself for a trip to crazytown.
She began screaming and ranting all kinds of things... things like what kind of a whore she thought I was, thing like how I should just know that for the rest of her life she'd be able to give S a look and he'd jump back into bed with her... the phone call progressed though as I didn't react in kind. Instead, I told her that I know there's 2 sides to every story, but she had to admit that the tale S had to tell about her wasn't flattering. She admitted that she'd made mistakes, but she also wanted me to know that S wasn't a saint either. She then told me all about how many times in those last several weeks that S had come over to their house immediately after being with me, and trying to get her back in bed... she said that it was she who was doing the refusing, not the other way around. She also told me about their discussions about me after she found out... about how he complained that he wasn't really attracted to my body, and about how he only saw me as a way to stay occupied and to get back at K. She also told me that they weren't getting divorced and that they weren't even separated... that they were giving each other some space, because S's jealousies had become dangerous and obsessive... but that it was just a temporary living arrangement and that his lease was only for 6 months... after that, they'd be back together again. She also asked if I was bothered by all the pictures of her around his apartment... she said she didn't put them there, and she was surprised herself when she saw them.
The truth was that I'd only seen them myself for the first time that week, since we hadn't been spending any time at his place. When I went over there, I was shocked and embarrassed and angry all at once. There had to have been a dozen photos of her in frames on every surface... some with the kids, some alone. I said nothing, but my mood that evening changed drastically and he even asked me what was wrong... I told him that I wasn't well.
Some of the crazy stuff was hearing her say things like, "You like his ass? He's got the best ass, doesn't he? And you know what else? His sons have that same ass." Or, "S can't just have sex with someone... he has to make love and it's easy to fall for that... I bet as soon as you heard that accent, you imagined what that would be like, didn't you?" I listened to all of it for an hour, and by that time K was talking to me like I was her best friend... she said that she'd like me to continue seeing S and hoped that we'd end up together, so that she and I could work on becoming friends. It was very creepy the way her mood just switched like that. She thanked me for listening to her... really listening (and I was, because I didn't want her doing something drastic, and because I knew that at least some of what she was saying had to be true). The conversation would have continued if S's phone hadn't lost its charge and went dead... she called back while I was trying to call her back, so both of our calls went to voicemail... mine apologizing for the disconnection and not wanting her to think that I'd hung up on her... hers thanking me profusely for our talk and for how great I'd handled her call. I saved that message, too, for S to hear later.
He came over that night with his tail between his legs. He'd already been to see K that afternoon, and now he had to deal with me. I noticed right away that he'd taken off his wedding ring. He told me that it was officially over and that the divorce would finally proceed. When I asked him about the pictures in his place, he admitted that he put them up because he missed her and he was trying to win her back. When I asked if, like K had told me, that he'd chase her around their house trying to get her in bed right after being at my place... if that was true... he fully admitted it to be the case and added that he did that because she did that to him after she'd had sex with the boy as well as when she was sleeping with his brother. When I asked if he was unhappy with my body, he said that was true as well, though he thought that he and I were better matched in bed than K and him. When I asked if he only saw me as temporary, he admitted that when he was with me, he had lots of fun and was happy; but that when he wasn't with me, he never really thought about me at all (odd, since that love letter and others like it were written by him without any prompting from me).
I told him that he had a lot to think about, as did I. We went to bed together that night, but as I lay there, I saw a very different man. Behind the sadness, I saw what else he was hiding... and when before I'd felt deeply attracted to him, I looked at him and really looked... I saw a frail, overly thin man, whose head looked too big for his body and whose flesh hung from his bone... I saw a weak, pathetic man whom I normally wouldn't give a second glance. The next day, I wrote the last blog.
February 21, 2005 - NO SLEEP AND YET I DREAM
Notes from the She-Creature:
A couple of days later, it was over. I asked him to give me back movies and various things he'd borrowed and I told him to deal with his divorce and get back to me later. I also said that if he couldn't break the manipulation cycle with K, if he was addicted to it (he called her craziness "passion," that's how dumb he was) then he really needed to consider giving the rest of the world a break and just stay married... no one else needed the kinds of head games those two enjoyed, especially not me.
He kept calling though, for several weeks. I went to the musical that he was in several weeks later and he tried to rekindle things on the phone with me, while still wanting to talk about K and how she was vowing that they'd be best friends to the end and how that made him so happy. That's when I got mad at him at last, telling him that he was a fool and that they could never be friends with the kind of manipulation that they used on one another... that he'd be lucky just to get away with a sense of calm before some other storm hit.
He told me that maybe we shouldn't talk until after his divorce was final, but I responded by telling him not to contact me at all... that I didn't need him messing with my emotions 6 months to a year later, when I might be happily involved with someone else... and even if I wasn't, I didn't want to be part of that weird triangle ever again. I told him that he obviously needed a lesson in letting go, and I was exactly the person to give it to him. That was it... nothing more... except for 2 phone calls a few weeks later. One he asked me if I'd been text messaging him erotic love notes, and I told him that I'd honestly been leaving him totally alone and once again he needed to look in his own backyard for the mysterious messenger. The last call was a misdial that he'd meant for his babysitter, whose name was also Sherri. I suggested to him that he could easily delete my number from his phone, as I had done with his, so that he couldn't make that mistake again. That was that, and in 2 years and just a few miles between us, I haven't seen him or heard from him since.
I honestly don't go looking for drama, yet it always seems to find me. This relationship go-around, however, is filled with as many funny, silly, laughable moments as it has drama... and even the drama seems like it was written for a sitcom. No matter what the outcome, I've now committed myself to writing about it for everyone to share later. I don't know how many tears I'll be getting from my readers then, unless you count tears of laughter... and I'm hoping still that it will have a much better ending (or at least a "to be continued" aspect) than my previous example. I may let segments or scenes slip out from time to time, to get broader feedback... but from here on, if you see an entry that you can't access, just know that the book is coming along nicely.
Damn, look at at the time... it's 4am. I shouldn't let myself start writing after midnight, but that's when the words and memories seem to flow. Creativity is a harsh mistress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
