I've Been Given Reason

I've been quiet for a few days... I've been thinking...

Everyone who comes into our lives changes us in some way, whether profound or subtle, there is change. You can even break this down to a chemical level and say that when a person has a new thought, electrical impulses shoot through the brain, causing a new chemical reaction to store that thought in short term memory, later to possibly be processed into long term memory while we sleep or else meshed into other similar experiences in a less accessible area.

That's the technical way of looking at it. In a metaphysical sense, everyone comes into our lives for a reason. You've heard that before, but who can argue against it? We see it happening all the time, as people's lives are changed, enhanced, or affected in some way or another (better/worse) by another person.

Usually these effects are too subtle to notice. We're too busy in our day-to-day grind to really have time to notice all the minute signs of change occurring within and around us... unless it's something huge, like a new Super Wal-Mart going up just around the corner.

Where are these thoughts leading, you wonder? Well, I'm about to do something I rarely do: write about someone I only just met.

I don't do this because it usually takes me a while of getting to know someone to finally be inspired to write about them in blog form... and that is usually after my relationship to them has run its course. This is a new turn for me, but I feel that I must write about this now because I was profoundly affected by someone in a span of just a few short hours this past Sunday.

Despite my ability to speak freely in digital form, it usually takes me quite a while to know how I feel about someone after I meet them in person, and some of those people make great stories because of their quirks. Add to that equation the fact that if I do meet someone I'm truly attracted to, I usually clam up and appear to not like them because of my damned shyness. If I am truly intrigued by you, I am not the cyber slut you've read about in these pages... instead, I'm quiet and quite proper.

Is this a Jekyll and Hyde persona thing? A bit, yes. My true self is painfully shy, but I've taught myself to be social... trained myself in various ways, whether assisted through social lubricants or just relying upon acting classes or cognitive training.

On a few, very rare occasions in my painfully shy past though, I've encountered people who made me flee out of fear that I would do or say something so embarrassing that I'd never be able to show my face again. These lucky souls usually think that I hate them, when in fact I was actually attracted to them to a degree that I became mute. I can count these number of people (all men, of course) on one hand: three.

The funny thing is that I later befriended two of them. I never dated either of these men, but I feel a deep kinship to both of them that goes beyond the physical and I'm thankful for their friendship. Dating them would never have worked, as they were both men who could not be tied down by a woman with children, and that's okay. They're both good people and I consider myself blessed to call either of them "friend."

Until now, I thought these men were the only two that existed. But I've just recalled the third man. I'll get to that story shortly.

On to this Sunday: I re-upped on that dating site mentioned previously as "snatch rot bomb" due to a glitch in their system. Despite my deleting my profile from their system a few weeks back, I received some alerts that I had brand new messages there last Thursday. So I signed in again to see what this was all about and it turned out to be a mirage. There were no messages at all. I didn't realize that just signing in would reactivate an account, however, and so I signed out that night unaware.

By late the next day, I was getting a couple of new "winks" and messages, so I thought I might go delete myself from there again, but not before I got another message from a man with whom I had "winked" back and forth with weeks earlier and he'd then sent me a message, to which I couldn't respond because I refused to pay for membership there.

His new message subject line stated that I'd just "re-winked" at him. This was impossible, because you can't do that twice in one month's time and because I hadn't actually done that at all this time. It was yet another glitch in the system. I felt compelled to write to him and tell him about this glitch, so I did something that I'd never done in the history of my online dating experience: I paid for membership at "snatch rot bomb."

It was New Years Eve and I wrote him to befriend him, but that's all. His profile said he's currently separated, and I simply don't interfere with married men. But I guess befriending one is interfering, isn't it smarty pants? Yes, I know. Aaaaaanyway, I gave him my direct email info in case he wanted to have a new friend and we both live in the same circle of suburban hell, so I figured that we could commiserate together on the crap of divorce or what have you.

I immediately left for an exciting night of time spent at my mother's house for New Year's Eve... she bought me green apple martini mix and vodka. So about 6 hours and 5 martinis later, I returned home at the oh-so late time of 12:30. Yeah, woohoo! Party girl here! I thought it would be a good time to ethernet my 4 home computers together, despite the fact that (1) I was tipsy and (2) I don't know how to do that while sober.

I also thought that since I was now home, it would be a good idea to first guzzle the 2 small bottles of crappy Spumanti down that my mom let me take home. After those were in my gullet, I then had the good idea to write yet another message to the cupid-glitch-match man and give him my cell phone number. I never do that sober or drunk anywhere, yet I did it that night anyway. I hadn't even heard back from him yet, but there I was doling out my digits.

By Sunday I was sure that my second drunken email to the man had scared him away, since I hadn't heard from him yet, so for some reason I was compelled to send a third email apologizing for showing any signs of foot-in-mouth disease before. I usually have better patience than that, but I really wanted to talk to this guy... and his message to me had said that he reeeeeaaaaalllly wanted to talk to me too. Really.

Little did I know that while I was off dealing with the chitlins here in other parts of the house, he emailed me at last and apologized for the delay that came because of the holidays. I never saw those emails: one to my direct email account and one reply to my "snatch rot bomb" profile.

At around 3:30, my cell phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. Usually, I let those go to voicemail, but I'd hoped it might be this mysterious guy I'd been waiting to hear back from and... it was indeed.

At this point, I'd like to say how glad I was to hear his accent... or rather, to not hear any form of an accent that sounded like I was getting a call from Gomer Pyle. I cannot tell you how many times that I've met or talked to people who sound like the twangiest twangers to ever live in the Bible Belt and my "inability to relate" barrier instantly goes up. Alabama accents are the worst. Shut up, y'all know it's true.

My mystery man turned out to be a Brit and I couldn't have been more pleasantly surprised... like the first musical notes heard to a deaf ear after a cochlear implant.

In less than an hour of conversation, I knew I had to meet this guy. We discovered that both of our now 11 year old sons had attended the same day care center and had been in the same 1-year-old room a decade earlier. And that wasn't the end of the crossovers.

The details of why he was separated now mirrored the details of my divorce 5 years ago in a way that was eerily similar. I felt an instant kinship with him... and here I'd jokingly said in my first email to him:

"As for you and your sitch, I know that when I winked the first time I thought, "Wow, cute guy... too bad he's gonna be a head case for a while thanks to the impending divorce." I say that with all warmth and sympathy though, as I know first hand what it takes to get over a failed marriage... and you're still only in the separation stage. You've got MILES and MILES ahead of you on the recovery path, my friend. I hope for your sake that it isn't a vicious one like mine was. I'm now exactly 5 years post-divorce and I'm FINALLY ready to have a real relationship after all this time.

My ex, however, started dating someone right off the bat and has been married to ex.2 (as I lovingly call her) ever since.

Regardless of any baggage, you do seem like a swell guy, and we're here in the same town and seem to like a lot of the same things... it couldn't hurt to have a fellow pal who can commiserate with you and know where you've been, right? Plus, I have 2 boys as well (11 and 9) and a girl (7)... maybe both of our oldests know each other already. That would be funny."

I said all that with nothing at all to go on and days before I found out how true that might be. Uncanny, I tell you. Simply uncanny.

He asked me to meet him and I looked at my schedule: I was free that night, which is a miracle in and of itself. It was like everything just lined up for me to be prepared to meet him... my ex had even scheduled in advance for taking the kids out for dinner that night... something he hardly ever does on a Sunday night.

We agreed on one location (Thai) but reconsidered due to high costs, so changed the plan to right down the way from there (Mexican). I arrived first, just before 7pm, and the place was closed for the holidays! It took him a few minutes more and then he walked up.

Now you're all used to me commenting on people's drastic difference between how they represent themselves online and actually look in person. Not this time, people. He looked exactly like his photo and description and I probably could have picked him out of a crowded room.

We wound up having to walk over to the Thai place because they were at least open. Dinner went well. It was so easy to talk to him, though I'll admit that when I looked directly into his eyes, I'd get some butterflies. But I'd stated before we went out that this was a NON-date... I would pay my own way, we would only be hanging out as new friends... all because he's in no position to be dating at the moment. I could hear it in his voice over the phone and wasn't at all surprised to see him still wearing his wedding band when he arrived.

Still, despite my attempt to label it as a NON-date, it felt like one anyway.

But before you readers get your hopes up for some smut here, there was absolutely none that. Stop reading now if that's all you're waiting for.

Dinner didn't seem like enough time, so we walked over to Starbucks to continue talking. The conversation flowed really effortlessly. We talked about everything and anything... our marriages came up a bit, so did our kids, but we also briefly discussed science, religion, politics, movies, our parents, and all the details in-between.

Yet another weird coincidence: his father is a scientist (entomologist) and his mother took nursing courses before she started raising her children; my mother's career is a nurse and my father has a degree in biology, taught science at the h.s. level for a while, now is a laboratory equipment salesman. His family moved around frequently due to his dad's career; so did mine... although, admittedly, his father's career was far more interesting than my father's and they lived in far off places all over the globe, while I lived in suburban places all over the States.

We didn't even realize that 10pm had rolled around and they were closing the place and needing us to leave. Neither of us were ready for the NON-date to end, but here in Larryville on a Sunday night, the only thing left is the movie theater. He agreed, I called for times, and BINGO... next one started in just 5 minutes, so we zipped over in my minivan... we had our choice of two, his or mine.

I took him to see CLOSER. Yes, I'd seen it already, but it's a damn good movie and something that I knew he really needed to see... if only just to feel connected to something else because of what was happening in his life right now. I was apprehensive though. Movies can unlock some floodgates, like LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL did for me back in early 1999. Again, don't laugh. There was an element that touched a chord in me that resonated so deeply at that moment in time, I sobbed for the last hour or so of the movie and for 2 hours afterward.

I also recalled moments for me during the darkest and last months of my marriage when acquaintances said something that impacted me in a way that it was like a light bulb turning on for me at last. Actually, those comments were more like a lighthouse in the distance... with me adrift out at sea and not knowing where the shoreline could be.

Shit, there's that torch/looking out to sea analogy that came out in the German date. Dammit, maybe he was right in saying that he was actually me in this dream. Sorry, I'm digressing again.

Back to this past Sunday night. I felt the whole time that I was with him that I already knew him. When I looked at his face, I could see the sadness that he was hiding just behind the smiles... the way that I did 5 years ago. I was looking at him and seeing myself and wishing I could let him change positions with me for a brief moment so that he could see his current self from years down the road.

But I can't do that. All I can do is be a lighthouse for him, but he has to decide which direction he's going to steer the ship.

During the course of our evening, I also realized that I did in fact remember his son from the daycare center a decade earlier and that I could picture him as well, but for some reason I felt that we had some interaction... I was picturing the space and look of the moment, but not the words or the details.

Anyway, I brought him back to his car and we chatted a bit more about his situation. I told him a few more things that I haven't admitted to anyone else in 5 years, because who would've understood. I knew he would though.

Before he got out, he sweetly asked if he could just kiss my cheek. Of course I agreed, and I actually felt myself blush as he did it. I've done things on other first actual dates that could've made a call girl blush, but this sweet peck on the cheek actually made me a little dizzy.

As I drove away with no music on, only my thoughts and still blushing from the moment, that's when it hit me... our interaction a decade earlier. He was the third man.

I was in the Toddler I observatory/coat room where you could stand behind a two-way mirror and watch the goings on in the classroom. I don't know what I was watching, maybe they were just napping, and that's when HE walked into the room... perhaps to pick up his son. He stopped to look in the classroom too and he spoke to me. It was brief and friendly, I don't even remember the words at all now, probably just "which one is yours?" But I remember vividly what happened with me physically: I froze and became mute and blushed bright red. I know I got out of there quickly then, because even though the room was darkened, I was sure he'd see how red I'd turned.

I remember feeling not only the usual embarrassment of this thing, but also upset with myself for feeling that kind of intense and instant attraction for another man while I was married. I had to avoid him at all cost from then on out of fear that my secret would get discovered. I had no way to turn this feeling off once it happened like that, but I certainly could keep it at bay by running away from it.

Five years later, my husband didn't give me the same kind of courtesy. In his moment, he ran with it and began an affair with a co-worker. The movie CLOSER has a line about that moment where you have a choice... and it's really a long moment when you think about it... the initial attraction, the decision to get closer to that person, the decision to cross that line into intimacy or not... there's a place to stop anywhere before that. What allows us to overcome an urge? Strength of character, that's what. Integrity. Respect. Loyalty. Pick one. They all work.

When I got home that night from the NON-date, I began to cry. Not for myself, but for this man that I just met. For the place he's been forced into right now... for the decisions about his future that will affect him and his children... and for how unfair all of that is, really.

And tonight I found myself having a cry again. What's wrong with me, I wondered? Empathy, that's what. I felt connected to this man in just the span of 9 hours of getting to know each other. I feel intrinsically connected to him now and though I don't want to have any influence over his decisions right now, the fact that he knows me is changing him. Anything I say or do is changing him now.

What I blurted out earlier tonight in IM to my bestest gal pal Nadine maybe sums it up best:


"I honestly don't know how anyone forms lasting relationships anymore.

There are too many choices, too many reasons to keep from committing to any decision at all.

Nothing seems grounded to me anymore.

I feel like a dot on a gigantic grid... just one of many hundreds of thousands like me in my quadrant...

and then suddenly, for the first time in years and years... decades possibly... I could look at this man and see myself so easily and yet he's just out of reach and still lost... it all comes to that one moment, where I could be filled with so much compassion for one person that I just met that it makes my eyes well up...

...to see the pain he's hiding right behind the mask of a smile that he's using to "get by" in his daily life... trying to hide the pain of his confusion and loneliness... trying to keep people who already know what's going on from coming up and saying in that patronizing tone, "Are you doing okay today?"

He didn't have to tell me any of it. I just saw it all there.

And when I came home from our non-date that night, I cried for him. I couldn't help it. I know exactly where he is because I've been there.

And then the thought hit me that that might be the closest I get to truly feeling connected to another person ever.

So as I sat here tonight looking at all these women who "snatch rot bomb" says are "like me"... reading their profiles and seeing that yes, in fact, they are just variations of me... I realized that I might be the only person who sees this grid for what it is.

And that everyone else is playing that game without seeing the grid at all and never understanding why they're not connecting... because if they can't see the grid, they can't step off of it either... or won't, whichever.

And I think of this man, who is standing on the precipice of either going back to what he knows, or falling headlong into this grid that I've been on for 5 years and fading into disillusionment like the rest of us... and I see myself 5 years ago and sometimes I wonder if I could talk to me then, would I tell me to turn back?"


Last week, the answer would have been "perhaps." But all that changed this Sunday, when I realized by meeting this new person what all these past 5 years have been for: so that I can just be here in this moment to understand him. If that's all that it's been for, then it's been worth it. And if that's all there is beyond it, so be it. I would not tell me to turn back.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, and usually right at that moment that you needed them to step in. The obvious would be to say that he needed to befriend someone like me right now, someone who's been there. But the less obvious would be that I needed to befriend someone like him... someone who is holding a mirror up and showing me where I came from at a time when I'm feeling jaded about where I am now.

Everything makes sense right now. Perhaps there really is a grander method to the madness after all.