Okay, okay. Don't go off and pout. I am sorry. Can you forgive me so we can move past this? Yes? Great! Now I can tell you about how I spent my winter vacation.
Yeah, I know that sounds like the title of a mandatory 4th grade report, and I'll tell you what... any 4th grader would be damn proud to have the kind of adventure that I had, boy howdy!
D and I spent a week in Central and South Florida for Christmas.
Someone check me for brain tumors! I've actually gone to the Land of the Mouse twice this year! Not only that, this time I actually wallowed in the City of Cheese. That's right... the majority of our time was spent in the Orlando/Kissimmee area, where we mostly played tourists.
Unfortunately, the amount of time we spent frolicking in theme parks, combined with the rigors of the holiday for the locals, meant that we were all too tired and/or busy to visit with any of my old school pals this time. We really wanted to, but all the walking and heat and required visit with my dad left us exhausted.
I say that visit was required only because he very generously gave us a week of his time share to use and we were able to stay in a huge villa right next to Disney... I couldn't not go visit with him after that (plus I felt a bit guilty about not making the time last trip there). I hadn't been to my dad's house since August 1999... shit, I was still married then!
By the way, the consensus from my dad and step-mom was that D was a swell guy who was welcome back anytime... and on Christmas day, they called again to say that my little half-sisters (ages 12 and 7) wanted to wish Dean a very Merry Christmas... no message for me though. Apparently after meeting Dean, they completely forgot that they had a big sister at all.
What follows is our travel itinerary, followed by a photoblog detailing our adventure. No questions will be taken until after you've suffered the photoblog... please make it through the whole entry before you ask me a thing, dammit! Or else I'm turning this blog around right now, you hear me! Okay then.
Day 1 - Drive from Atlanta to the Kissimmee timeshare villa. This involves a little last minute Xmas shopping beforehand, which was supposed to be brief, but turned into a several hour event. We finally managed to leave town around 4pm or so and didn't check in at our destination until well after Midnight.
Day 2 - More running around looking for food to fill our villa's huge kitchen and various sundries that we'd forgotten to pack, plus some more Xmas shopping, this time for my dad and step-mom, since we were headed there for dinner that evening. D suggested that we had to go to the Holyland Experience. I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. We actually paid to get in just to look in their gift shop. They later reimbursed the entry fee, thankfully... otherwise it's be a gip. I mean for $40 a pop, you'd think you'd at least get to see Jesus! Maybe sit on his lap and get a picture with him... tug on his beard... something. But no, Virginia, there was no Jesus.
I did, however, find something extremely cool for my dad... hell, I wanted a set, but there were only two and D needed something for his mom, so I had to let it go. The objects of my desire were 3 wooden and metal boxes which contained real gold, frankensense, and myrh. I'm serious, these were really cool. I don't have a picture of them, so you'll just have to imagine them yourself. They also had really awesome miniature Arcs of the Covenant, just like the one in Raiders... you bet your sweet ass I got one of those puppies! Unfortunately, they don't seem to know that they'd sell way more of them if they had little Indiana Jones action figures next to the display. They wouldn't be able to keep them in stock, if that were the case. Dean told me not to worry... we'd find a remedy for that soon enough.
The visit at my dad's house went very well... the weirdest moment was when my step-mom opened their present from D and I and without hesitation, she exclaimed, "You went to the Holyland?!" Now, NOWHERE on these boxes did it say where it came from, so obviously she goes there often enough to know what's in the gift shop. That was uncanny, yet somehow I wasn't entirely surprised.
Day 3 - The day was spent at Animal Kingdom... the evening was spent at Epcot. The pictures are better for this part of the story.
Day 4 - By day, we raced around MGM Studios... this time we didn't bother getting out super early, because it didn't make any difference with the lines. We figured it didn't matter if we made it to the Magic Kingdom or not, since I was basically raised there... but somehow at the end of the day, we still had a little energy left in reserve and we hit that park too. Again, pictures do this part of the story more justice... so see below.
Day 5 - We left Orlando behind and took off for South Florida, to spend Christmas Eve with D's college pals... a great meal followed by gift exchanging and a long game of Trivial Pursuit DVD. I really thought that the other team would win, with one player covering all of the sports trivia, another covering all of the movies, and the third covering everything else... especially when it was just me and D against them, and D isn't exactly a handicap... but... let's just say that when he did guess correctly, no one could figure out how he knew the answer, least of all him. Somehow, we came from waaaaay behind to win the game. They were a great bunch and it was a fun and informative evening, with his old pals all letting me in on important D habits and tales.
Day 6 - D and I were staying at a hotel in Fort Lauderdale, which coincidently just happened to be right next to his old college. He showed be around his old stomping grounds and we spent the majority of Christmas day enjoying a really long walk along the beach.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the odd brunch we had at Denny's first though... where everyone working there seemed to be exhausted and angry, due to the second shift not showing up... the staff was pissed that they were having to miss time with their families and they were beginning to take it out on the customers. First, the scary hostess begrudgingly sat us after she wandered all over the restaurant trying to figure out who to saddle with us. She gave us to the sourest of servers... a 300+ pound, 6.5 foot tall guy who, when hearing that Dean wanted a shake, said, "You get it when I feel like getting it." He later apologized to us for his tone, and told us that he was missing Xmas dinner and his family said they were starting without him... he looked like a man who would never be happy to miss dinner, and probably came from a family that didn't believe in leftovers. He then tried to refill my coffee and when I turned him down, he said, "Oh, I'm filling it. And if I brought it over to you, you WILL drink it." I timidly obliged.
Day 7 - After watching a marathon of The Dog Whisperer on Animal Planet way into the night, I had a hard time getting out of bed for our drive back. We got out by 11am, but spent a couple hours tooling around a cool comic book store called Tate's, then having brunch (NOT at that Denny's) before heading out... somehow it was around 4pm again. We rolled into my driveway after Midnight again.
I only managed to take pictures of the theme park days and somehow missed out on snapping any of the surly Denny's server, the beach, D's pals, or the oddest thing ever: the vortex of hundreds of swirling turkey buzzards that gather in the air above the huge landfills that line the Florida turnpike. I don't think photos of that could do it justice, though... it's a truly bizarre and fear-inducing sight to behold.
Okay, you've been patient little campers. Here's the photo portion:
You may have to go back to my October entries to see an equal parallel to this, but once again, our lodgings were located in close proximity to some major cheese.
I ask you, Orlando, in all sincerity... what the hell is wrong with you people???
(Note D there on the right for scale.)
What's that little place through yonder forest?
Oh my God, we're going into the Holyland! Despite my own hesitation, due to fears of Koolaid pushers and stonings, D went right on in without any fear whatsoever.
There wasn't any sign of the Messiah, but these things were there, so I decided to tempt God and squat down next to them. Amazingly, I wasn't struck by lightning... maybe that's because these are just replicas. I mean, didn't Charleton Heston smash the real ones in that movie?
Here we see the reason why I should have been stoned to death in the Holyland: if it isn't obvious to you by now, this is a scene from inside my own head. If you look to the left, you'll find a comfy chair and a tv, with Bergman films playing in a loop... to the right you'll find unicorns and dragons.
Actually, it's just an image from the bat exhibit at Animal Kingdom, which made the whole place worth the cost of admission.
I could stay there all day, if it weren't for the whole guano odor problem.
Check this guy out... if you look closely, he's not only displaying his impressive wingspan, he's also showing you his weenis. Awesome, huh?
This picture was taken to show our roles at the park... navigator and documenter.
Our last ride of the day at Epcot was Mission Space... not necessarily because of the time, but because we rode the green "amateur" side first and thought we could get back on and handle the orange "advanced" side with no problem. We should have known before we got on and the warning message was different from the first... saying if you have a problem with spinning, you shouldn't ride. We were like, "Wait, did she just say spinning?" Apparently, and they don't tell you this, the whole room is a concealed centrifuge, spinning your blood so that the serum floods your brain and the red cells are in your toes. An important lesson learned is that if a ride has sick bags, you might want to reconsider.
There's no shame in looking like a pansy and crying to get off before it starts.
MGM Studios is a strange combination of Hollywood magic and Disneyana cheese... like this movie set street that converts later to...
...this Magic Kingdom-esque light show, complete with "snow" falling from the "sky" (it's actually soap bubbles).
At the Tower of Terror, they've mastered the art of setting a mood that creeps you out and has the bejeezus scared out of you before you even get your ass in the seat. As a matter of fact, D admitted the he'd backed out of this ride many a time at the last minute, using his son's fears as the excuse, but he was ready to bail anyway and it was always just a convenient ruse for his own fear. He was ready to bail this time as well and I had to pull and drag him onto this ride, with him gripping my hand really tight and muttering how much he HATED this ride. Yet, once the falling started, all I heard out of him was a high pitched "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" followed by girly giggling, followed by more screaming and more belly laughs. I don't think his mouth shut the whole time and I'm not sure when he took a breath, really.
I now present THE BEST PICTURE EVER (click on it to fully appreciate the moment):
Yeah, that's me laughing my ass off... and sure, the ride makes you laugh as it takes you back up for more and more drops... but it was D's screams that brought rolling tears down my cheeks from the unbridled laughter. I only got to ride the thing once, but I'd do that one over and over, if I could.
And finally...
That last photo is just to show you when the best time is to hit the Magic Kingdom... after 9pm when they do the fireworks show, the place just empties out and it's still open for 3 more hours... that's when you don't have to stand in any real lines and they'll even let you ride things over and over the closer it gets to Midnight.
I really wish that we'd bought the picture that was snapped of us on the Buzz Lightyear ride, where I'm just kind of bored and sitting back randomly firing the laser at stuff, while D is hunkered down behind his laser, one eye looking at his targets, the other eye closed for better aiming, and his mouth open going "pew! pew!" or something of that nature. That was the second best photo ever. I should have grabbed it.
There weren't any photos from South Florida, but it was great, too. I was too busy having fun and I'd forgotten about my blog obligations to documenting everything. Blogligations, if you will.
To make it up to you, I'll let you see one last shot... it's a picture of my Ark of the Covenant where it resides on my toy shelf the way it should look... accented by a great find at little stand outside one of the stunt shows at MGM:
Yes, it's the Indiana Jones figure that should have been available at the Holyland. I only wish I could have found some of the Nazis or the Belloch French guy who opened the thing. And if any of you are wondering, yes, I've opened my little ark and no souls escaped... but it does come with little versions of the stone commandment tablets, an olive branch, and goblet that Indie had to find at the end of the 3rd movie. (I know the Big Guy forgives my irreverence... you should too!)
That's it for now. I'll try to stay on top of things from now on... can't promise anything, but I'll try!
Hope you all had a great holiday season, too!
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