I Can't Make This Sh*t Up

So last night, I go out with Bill to his favorite dive bar. Aside from getting some of the best/worst pick-up lines ever from one of the bartenders there, who totally hooked Bill up with the drinks... I mean, between us we had about 15 beers and 4 Pootie Tangs/Booty Calls (Jager and shit) for a final tally of only $33. There's no way that we only did $33 worth of damage last night. Where was I? Oh yeah, so one of Bill's friends brought some Absinthe with him too and kept it out of in the car and I was asked if I'd like to try some.

I ask you people... do you think for a second that I'm going to do stupid shit, like go out into a dive bar's parking lot and sit in the car of a guy I do not know and drink from a bottle of Absinthe (or who knows what) after I've already had 2 shots of Jager and a few beers?

The answer is yes, yes I am that kind of stupid girl.

So last night I had about 3 shots of Absinthe. We sat in the car and tried to do it up right: slotted spoon, sugar cube, lighter, trying to carmelize the cube. Guess what? Bic lighters suck for that. Where's a REAL druggie when you need one? As we sat there, I imagined a cop pulling up and tapping on the window and me saying, "Honestly, officer, we're just carmelizing sugar... stick around, cuz we're making s'mores next!" I wondered if anyone ever caught Julia Child doing that in her car late at night.

Long story short, even with 2 shots of Jager under my belt, there were no hallucinations at all. Of course, Absinthe has wormwood which containes thujone, but really so does vermouth. There is absolutely no reason for this stuff to be banned... except that it tastes like shit. I did have an instant numbing of my gums and throat, and when I took a sip of beer shortly afterwards, it curdled. Tip: don't follow Absinthe with Miller Light. Another tip: Absinthe tastes like S.H.I.T., did I mention that already? Like black licorice soaked in men's Polo cologne.

Alas, no weird things happened last night as a result of drinking the bright green liquor.

Now, that said, I am having some weird things happening today that I'm wondering are due to whatever the hell is in that firewater. My vision has been totally fucked up today and I kept having flashes of what looked like videotape drop out occasionally when I blinked. Oh, and my right arm and leg both kept alternating going numb. Also, everywhere I went today, shoes or no shoes, I keep getting shocked by everything metal. Maybe that's just part of my normal weirdness though.

In addition to all of that weirdness, one of the many dating websites that I've put a profile on has freaked out on me today. This makes the second time it's happened, only the first time was at Snatch Rot Bomb and that's how I met my last beau... when a glitch in the system activated my hidden profile there and people started to write to me, including him.

This time, it's at a different place and on a much grander scale. I mean, in the course of today alone, I've received over 80 emails and free winks from men saying, "I got your wink... WOW. I'd love to hear more..." blah blah blah. It's fucking weird. I've been browsed there over 3000 times today alone, so that tells me that there are far more men who got the same thing from "me" and haven't even responded. I'm thinking that quite possibly the whole population of men on that site received something from "me" today. I posted a message on that profile there telling them about the glitch (or possible hack job) and yet the messages still keep rolling in from them. It wasn't a site that I was really all that keen on using, so I may just have to delete myself from there.

Never a dull moment.