Thots on Bots

So yeah, I went to see ROBOTS on its opening Friday night, rather than go out drinking with friends. What can I say? I'm just THAT secure with my hipness, dude.

The film itself was cute, well made, and yet empty. It stole from every movie possible, but in a quaint "homage" sort of way. Unfortunately, that was the only thing that made the movie worth seeing, because the story wasn't there. I would just like to take a moment and admit that my absolute favorite part of the whole thing was the fart scene... but then, I'm a big softy for fart sounds, what can I say. It brought a tear or two to my eye... after I laughed harder than I ever expected.

But as any of you know, I don't review movies. I review movie-going experiences. It's a small niche market that I'm trying to cover myself, whether any of you give a shit or not.

I went to the theater that night not alone, as my other blogs have depicted me, but with my younger two children. If anyone was wondering, their reviews were, "It had funny parts;" "I'd watch it again, I guess;" "Can we go now? I gotta pee;" and "The big thing in the lobby for HITCHIKER'S GUIDE was cooler than this movie... can we go stand and look at it for a while?" And we did.

One extremely rotund nerd decided to sit directly behind us. I love the seats at the local AMC, because the backs are so high that you can't see the people behind or in front of you. But I learned that this particular specimen was behind us because the gravitational forces began to alter and when I spilled some candy, the pieces immediately joined the other satellites he had circling his girth.

I'm sorry. That's just petty and snarky.

How about some more? Okay!

He was extremely excited to be at this particular film. He chatted animatedly to all that sat near him, even though he came completely alone. I soon found out why.

Of course, this ROBOTS movie had the trailer for the new STAR WARS movie, which meant that it attracted full-on, hardcore nerds to fill the seats... like the one sitting behind us. He "oohed" and "ahed" the whole way through, and when it was over, I think he may have wet himself. He also gave this odd high-pitched laugh, though the trailer was not funny, that sounded like, "nyuk nyuk mmmmnyuk nuh uh.... uh."

During the 'Bots flick, the laughter from this huge guy increased to such a frenzied pace that it sounded like a squeaky sounding, conjuring images in my head of Flipper mating with Chip 'n Dale. He stopped laughing about halfway through the movie. I wondered if anyone checked him for a pulse... I later heard him snore, so I guess he was okay.

The fun part of the night was watching the exodus of nerds BEFORE the movie started. I'm talking about the variety who pay to see a movie only to catch the new trailer, in this case... STAR WARS. My 9-year-old son heckled them as they snuck out. I quietly reprimaned him with, "Your older brother will be just like those nerds some day. Learn some tolerance, my man."

I'm such a good parent... nuture them when they're present; make fun of them when they're away. Jeez.

There's really no point to this "movie review" entry, which makes it truly perfect for the movie itself. It was the cinematic equivalent of a twinkie, and on that note, I'm going to scavenge for snacks.

Wait, wait, wait... did I just hear there's a new Monty Python movie coming out?

Damn, there goes my nerd-dissing credibility. I guess here is where I should admit that I sat through that intolerable OC show on Fox Thursday night just to catch the STAR WARS trailer for the first time before it hit the theaters... sitting there, hanging on every fucking commercial... waiting for a mere glimpse or hint that Lucas may have NOT screwed up this last ever episode... hoping to see some more baaadaaasss Yoda butt-kicking action... wishing I could have worked on any of the films, regardless of their aaactual badness.

I need a 12-step program.