Um... diarrhea pants?!?

The kids came home last night from their typical weekend with their father and immediately my ADHD-addled 11-year-old middle child pulls out a plastic bag full of clothes and goes, "Diarrhea pants." I shoot a look at my ex-husband as he's trying to sneak off the porch and I firmly ask, "Um... diarrhea pants?!?" My ex freezes, shrugs, and says, "Uh, yeah. And I didn't get a chance to rinse them out yet." While cringing and feeling myself grow nauseated, I ask anyway, "And when exactly did this happen?" My ex sheepishly replies, "Yesterday morning, so I have no idea what state their in by now," then he walks off with this "oops" expression.

Forget even being angry about that anymore... I know from 7 years of experience of kid weekends that my ex NEVER washes out anything... diarrhea, puke, milk, mud, food, whatever... I've had him hand me back things after being sealed up in a bag for half of Xmas break. No, anger is no longer an option there. Instead, it's a tennis match, as I whip my head around to turn my attention to addressing the waiting nightmare in the bag. I tell Malachi --who is startlingly just about to reach into that bag in the middle of the livingroom to pull out said "diarrhea pants" with his bare hands!-- to take the whole bag to the washing machine and without touching the clothes, dump them in, so I can deal with the washing part... and off he went downstairs to do just that.

Or so I thought.

From where I'm still standing and shaking my head, I hear the sickeningly wet-sounding "thud" of the soiled clothes hitting the metal drum of the machine, but it's the next thing that I hear that really turns my stomach... it's the sound of the dryer door slamming shut, which has a very different sound than the falling lid of a washing machine.

So in a panic, I jump up shouting, "No! Don't tell me you just put your diarrhea pants in the dryer!?!" And with the exact same expression as his father, Malachi freezes in his tracks and goes, "oh crap." As he slowly opened the dryer, there they sat... diarrhea pants and underwear, not rinsed at all, sticking to the inside of the dryer.

Other than cleaning up after the Jackass guys, I don't imagine people usually have to figure out how to get diarrhea out of a dryer.

My reaction changes to resignation at this point, "I can't believe you still don't know the difference between a washing machine and a dryer."

That's when my oldest chimes in with the well-timed quip, "Not only that, I can't believe he still craps in his pants!"