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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Feet of Clay

Writing tricks.

I fully admit it. I employed one last time: the ambiguous "you."

It was with good reason: a shared experience that broke down walls of personal identity and blurred some lines for a bit. The blurring of the lines continued over the weekend... becoming blurrier still, despite my best vocal attempts at stating clear definitions.

"This will be all that there is of this... momentary... memory... frozen and untouched... preserved for all time... under glass."

I made those statements and idealist that I am, I actually could stick to them if I really wanted it that way. I did want it that way. But... I wasn't expecting what would follow.

"I know what I want... something real. You're not real... well, of course you're real, but you're not here... you're not where I am... physically or mentally. I see myself in you."

He is a bit lost, though he doesn't seem to admit it publicly, as his persona is that of adventurer.

But then again, I'm still lost as well, despite the title of my film... of course, that's employing another writing trick: irony. It's funny to me that my film, with the very title of FOUND would become our first common denominator.

Before any of you begin to think that I'm writing about some typical "budding relationship" stories, I hope that you might consider along with me that sometimes things defy category. This is one of those things. Because I can't seem to put this into a neat fit within my brain or my life, I need to write it out here and analyze it from another angle.

I've hesitated for a bit though... wondering if I'd be destroying the "aura" of this somehow... wondering if I'd be altering the memory of it or allowing a crack in the preservational glass. I probably am, but then again, so is he.

This defies category because although I wanted to make this a momentary and beautiful fling, of sorts, it can't be that when you continue to relate to a person with any frequency.

He's cracking that glass... he's expanding this into other territories.

creation, see: collaboration...
collaboration, see: attraction...
attraction, see: fornication...
fornication, see: adoration...
adoration, see: relation...
relation, see: occupation...
occupation, see: creation...
creation, see: collaboration...
collaboration, see: communication...
communication, see: attraction...

Be careful what you wish for... you might get it ad infinitum.

I've openly said here in this public forum that I'd chosen celibacy for a while... 14 months of it, to be exact... though many found that hard to conceive. And whenever it was suggested to me by friends that I consider taking someone new into my life for something more than friendship, I've rebuffed with, "Does he have a job for me? Because that is ALL that I'm interested in at this point in my life."

Then two months back, I met a couple who made me want to unlock their secrets of their success... perfectly balanced, she brought one set of strengths, he the other, together they seemed cut from the same cloth... and they'd been together for almost a score of years. I openly wondered what it might be like to be in a true partnership, where two people collaborate as well as are mutually attracted to one another with an exquisitely natural and mutual force.

Just two weeks later, I wander into an art gallery, get zapped by one of those "ga-zing!" moments where it feels as if a static discharge has occurred when my eyes met a man working there, try to shake it off and walk away, yet somehow wind up getting pulled back into conversation with the positive ion creator, who then finds out in a matter of minutes that I'm a film editor and just so happens to have been looking for one for a while, gets all of my information to stay in contact with me, and things just snowball from there.

A few days later, we meet to discuss his film projects before he heads out on one of his many adventures and he employs me on the spot, imparting to me a score of videotapes of his previous adventures to be converted to easier files, plus talk of bigger, grander filmic plans for me.

Okay, breathe. This I can handle, I think, though initially I was a bit caught off guard by the volume and the instant trust he had in me. Still, something kept me feeling drawn to him. I tried to shake that feeling off by telling myself that his enthusiasm and exuberance towards me are simply due to his excitement over finding someone well suited to his creative needs. I can handle that, I think.

He went away on his travels for a couple weeks and that was good for me... stasis returned. But that calm security was short lived and not without interruptions... envelopes from his travels. When he returned, we spent more time together and pure ease and sweetness of those days had left their mark on both of us. I thought I was okay, because I managed to drop him off again for another indefinite time period and return to that calm stasis again... except, he had a confession to make before he left town. The growing feelings were too difficult to dismiss, so he called to tell me of his thoughts and I admitted my own. From there, the turbulant tidal wave broke through, so to speak.

Next thing I knew, he was planning extra days to be around me on his next trip... a hotel room followed shortly by 2 more nights/days of "rest" in my world. I partook of all of the beauty and passion and exquisite bliss with no thoughts of a beyond. I can handle this, I think. It's got parentheses around it.

What I wasn't expecting is what happens when you don't put a period at the end of that parenthetical sentence. I want more of this... but initially saw this as a re-confirmation of what I really want for the future... a way to recognize it again when it comes into my life for real. What I wasn't expecting is that he'd want more too... yes, his eyes can't hide what he's thinking, but he promises to respect my wishes of keeping this under glass... that part is difficult enough to think about if there should be future friendly meetings. But what I wasn't prepared for... what I hadn't planned on... was that he still wants a "more" that would keep him close, rather than at a distance.

Collaboration.

And the more he learns of my talents, the more he realizes that he's found someone to help so many of his ideas come to fruition. This brings me pause, because this is all with the little amout of time we've spent together, but if we work together on these projects, that will inspire more creation and more collaboration... and with that, the likelihood of more pro-creation.

The glass shatters.

Sure, I could try to keep it under wraps... squelch the urges somehow. Or on the other hand, I'm sure I could just go with the feelings as they arise and bask in the exquisiteness each time there is opportunity, with no real meaning beyond the moment each time. But does that complicate the working relations? It might.

Should I reject the collaboration right now and stop the cycle... all in an effort to keep this in a neat and tidy box? I'm torn. I like his ideas. He likes mine. Together those ideas could merge into something even grander than they could alone.

And he pushes me too... something that all of my friends say I need... I agree, though I'm still reticent... mainly because I can't tell if this person is going to disappear or not yet. But he keeps trying to put me more and more in charge of elements of his life... something I wondered aloud if it was his way of keeping people in his life that he really doesn't want to let slip away so easily... a way to try to keep himself a little bit grounded... giving him reason to return to a place where he feels comfortable... himself.

It's a difficult choice when you meet someone who engages all parts of your body and your mind. Yet to me, he still isn't quite real. That's the thing that feels a bit bitter sweet, because I so enjoy his company... but the question... the risk... the choice remains: is it better to jump in and discover all the paths of the experience; or is it better to leave some stones unturned?

I have friendships now with a handful of men with whom I've gone down paths... some were longer paths than others... but they have softened and deepened into something so enriching to my life. Me... the confirmed hermit. Still a hermit... still very independent... too independent to have too much faith in anyone... yet wondering, glimpsing occasionally, what it might be like to be part of a ship.

My first instinct is to push away and hole up... shun more experience... pare down my life to a few managable responsibilities and stay safe inside my shell. But one really can't grow inside a shell... you have to venture out and explore.

All of this also comes at a time when I'm considering abandoning my career goals and trying a totally different life path. Goodbye to editing... but hello to what? I don't know. The other thing is that I'd been for months now seriously researching a big move. At first it was the thought, "Should I prepare to move to the West Coast to find work?" But then it became, "Should I move to another country entirely to find... life?" The latter didn't seem too far from reality. I find the idea of New Zealand very appealing. Very appealing.

I need something, obviously. I've been stuck in this shell for too long now with no challenges other than searching for work in a land where there is a serious lack of opportunity. I need something that offers variation... innovation... stimulation... organization... improvisation... hell, even conflagration, to burn away the debris and force me out of this hermitude.

No, I'm not looking for an arsonist... I'm being metaphorical.

I guess I couldn't stay Robinson Crusoe forever.

Damn these clay feet.

Do something!

I choose...

more time...

to wait...

and...

to see.

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