"Dear Santa,
Please bring me the following:
Men... all shapes and sizes. Preferably the emotionally unavailable type. Make sure they have some sort of blame of their mother/idol worship of their father. Alcoholism, drug usage, criminal record... with or without an anti-depressant prescription... all good. Please-oh-please-oh-please find me the kind still obsessing over an ex-wife/girlfriend, who talks about her ALL the time, even while having sex with me. Or better yet, make sure they don't want to have sex with me at all... that would be absolutely PERFECT. Oh, and if he does want to have sex, how about if he either keeps his eyes closed the WHOLE time, or talks the WHOLE way through, or only wants it a couple of times a month, or fucks like he learned how from looking at porn? That would be totally RAD! Workaholism? YAY! An all-consuming addiction to video games with no real job at all? Be still my heart! All conversations revolve around job/sports/another country? Fabulous! Wants to keep dating other women while having sex with me? Awesome! Owns just one pet and it's a cat? Please make sure he's also a commitment phobic, anally-retentive, obsessive-compulsive, minimalist... cuz then I've hit the JACKPOT! Owns more than one cat without any dogs to balance that out? I don't care how gay anyone else thinks that is, bring that mother on!
Thanks Santa, I know you'll pull through for me. You always do!
Sincerely,
Sherri (Dec 2003)"
Yes, I do think I may have imbibed too much nog and written that letter to Santa last year. Or, shit, maybe I addressed it to Satan? Fuck me and my fucking typos.
Anyway, that was last year. This year, I'm asking only for an internship that turns into a job. That's it, nothing else. And I don't really blame Santa/Satan for the men of 2004 either. I don't seem to have any trouble attracting males. My problem is not saying no to the defective ones. I guess it all boils down to my attraction to quirky men, and the fact that quirky men come with some really great reasons why they're still single.
You may point out the fact that I'M still single and have been for the last 5 years. So what's my damage? Well, my reason is simple: I chose this life. Yup.
While going through a traumatic divorce at the end of 1999, I vowed to myself that I would remain single for no less than 5 years while I finished my Master's Degree and tied up loose ends from a train-wreck of a marriage that had taken away the best 7 years of my twenties and replaced them with responsibility, strife, and general assholery. I was in absolutely no hurry to experience that again, so I kept my heart removed (most of the time) yet somehow I didn't manage to stay out of the fray.
First I didn't date, then I over-dated, then I didn't date for a LONG time again, then I way over-dated again. It's what I like to call the "all-or-nothing" approach to dating in the 21st Century. I'm not saying that it was healthy. I'm just admitting that's what I did, doubtlessly as a sub-conscious means to keeping my promise to myself.
The 5-year contract that I made will be up as of January 1, 2005. I blamed my choices before on "the ring of doom" that I found and gave back to my ex last month, but that was just one step on the way out of a long, dark tunnel.
But the good thing that I can say about me is that when I set a goal, I sure do keep it! My degree will be finalized with the completion of my thesis film this April... a film that I received a fellowship to finish... a fellowship that I was able to win thanks to the focus and intensity that I threw into research during the second LONG dating abstinence that I took.
Seeing goals come to a conclusion is kind of a scary time. Suddenly, you're faced with a moment when you have to choose a new path... set new goals. This is part of the "be careful what you wish for" thing that I sometimes mention in my blogs... and I'm facing that moment right now.
I tend to set five-year plans for some reason, so here's my new plan:
For the very short term...
-I will attain that internship that turns into a job right away.
-I will finish all three films that I'm currently working on now.
For the long term...
-I will, in 5 years time, move from this city to someplace far away (NYC? LA?)
-I will NOT waste any more of my precious time or energy on damaged men.
That's not to say that I won't have to kiss a few more frogs along the way... I can't control that part of the plan. But what I am saying is that they will be identified as such and become but a tiny footnote on my way to bigger and better things.
That's not a threat. That's a promise to myself that I intend to keep. And when I set my mind to something, nothing can stop me.
So I stand on the precipice of a new age for me. I don't mean to make it sound so overly dramatic, but those of you who really know what my last 5 years have been like will understand that, if anything, I'm understating the drama here.
In the last 5 years, I also put out 2 torches that I'd held for well over a decade. They were high school crushes, both of them, and they were the only 2 torches that I'd ever clung to before or since. I'm thankful that I got to find out what it would be like with each of those men in recent years, as fully-formed adults. I'm also glad that the torches have since been completely extinguished and that I still converse with both of those men on occasion, despite any weirdness or friction that occurred after the fact. Thank you, boys. I realized that you were each one-half of my ideal man... neither of you were the whole thing... and thanks to my experiences with you, I've since decided to abandon any thoughts of an "ideal" at all, because it keeps me from seeing the whole person for whom he is. And I don't hesitate to say that I'm sure I turned out to be only one-half of an ideal in reality to each of you as well. I still thank you both, all the same.
All of this heady thought comes at the end of a perfect night. My children went off to have Christmas with their father and I decided to take in a movie, as I'm known to do as soon as they leave the house. It was 8pm when I pulled into the multiplex parking lot and I saw such a great sight: it was nearly empty. I guess Xmas Eve night is a time for families to stay home and wrap. Joy to the World, indeed!
When I purchased my ticket with my Movie Watcher card that has seen MANY MANY slides through the scanner, I was given a free "Large Drink & Popcorn" coupon for having been my 150th credit. Am I dreaming? I asked the girl behind the snack counter to pinch me... she just stared blankly at me and asked what drink I'd like and said "That'll be zero dollars and zero cents." MY FAVORITE PRICE! And at a movie snack counter to boot! Fuck yeah!
I then went into the theater and sat down in my favorite seat: 5th row from the front, dead center. I propped my feet up on the armrests in front of me, looked around to see only 2 other couples in the entire theater sitting waaaaaaaay in the very back, and within seconds, the lights dimmed and the movie started.
Did I die and go to heaven? Someone was giving me the best Christmas present ever! And guess what else? The movie didn't suck! I was seeing CLOSER and despite this being a Julia Roberts movie, I loved it* ... the soundtrack is beautiful too, but I'd been listening to that for the last couple of weeks... the film opens with the first half of Damien Rice's "Blower's Daughter" and ends its last scene with the last half of the song. I actually applauded when it was over. Well, okay... not audible clapping... just motioned it so no one would think I was loony toons.
As I stepped out into the halls of the multiplex, the music being piped through the speakers was Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill." I fell in love for the second time this evening. And with that feeling having firmly taken hold, I walked out of the building with an extra swagger in my step, like I'd just been fucked senseless by a man who then fed me sushi in bed while offering to clean my house.
I'm listening to the song again here while I finish this. Apparently Gabriel wrote the words while contemplating his break up with Genesis, and in 1986 he said that "It's about being prepared to lose what you have for what you might get, or what you are for what you might be. It's about letting go." I couldn't have picked a more perfect song to end my evening, so I think I'll also use the lyrics to end this entry...
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
(I) just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."
To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho' my life was in a rut
'Til I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" he said "Grab your things
I've come to take you home."
(Back home.)
When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" I said "You can keep my things,
they've come to take me home."
*Author's note: It's been years since this was written. I no longer have the dating problems mentioned above. And I no longer enjoy that film CLOSER, for that matter. Peter Gabriel is still pretty cool, however.
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