Distance Over Time

Ideally, I thought last week's conversation would have gone much better than it did. I didn't expect him to get angry with me, especially given that I didn't list any other reasons or issues that went into my decision. I just needed not to have all the scuttling around and planning and stuff, or at least I needed to know he was going to definitely move here if I was going to invest anymore (neurotic) time in all that scuttling and planning and stuff. I knew there could be tears, but I thought they'd be more like, "I'm more determined than ever to find a way to make this work for us" tears than, "I guess this is goodbye" tears. Maybe I've seen too many chick flicks. Or maybe he's seen too few.

Less than a week after our talk, however, there was no continued talk of being together someday; instead he was already putting himself back on the market. I know guys who swear by "the best way to get over someone is to get under (or over) someone else" philosophy, but I guess it just surprises me most with this one. He seemed ... I dunno, different.

Of course, again, I never expected his anger about this either, especially not with me telling him that I still loved him and calling him by my pet name for him, which cutely turns his name into something that sounds like "adorable" ... and I'm not even good with pet names! They usually come about from sounds that I like to string together that remind me of the person I'm dating ... and considering that I've tended to date cartoonishly zany guys, the pet names get pretty amusing, too (i.e. Donkey Bundle).

This beau was far too sober and innocent seeming for that, however. Although cartoonish in his own way (think more Chuck Jones, less Tex Avery), happily bipping along with a "doo dee doo dee doo" at any given time, "adorable" was always the impression that resonated with me. I guess I didn't expect something so "adorable" to have such sharp teeth, and to use them to bite me in the end, so to speak. Well, okay ... it was really just more of a growly nip, but unexpected nonetheless.

Maybe I should have seen that coming? I had been getting lots of subtle hints over the last couple weeks that he might be annoyed with me... that I was disappointing him somehow. Even the cartoony way he would sweet talk me often had a patronizing air to it, along with the strangely sing-songy, high-pitched way he'd started saying, "I love you, too," but only after I said it first. It was weighing on me a bit, and the more annoyed he seemed with me, the less I felt inclined to change it.

Feeling back into it, I now realize I was dating myself ... or a version of myself, when I was less aware of how inadvertently challenging I might sometimes have been to date ... maybe even a bit of a buzzkill on occasion.

My past is riddled with "life of the party" guys who exude fun ... or, who at least are more extroverted than myself and not afraid of being openly silly in public (sometimes those guys have been alcohol-dependent, but not usually). Basically, I was always the Abbott to their Costello ... bringing the happy fun time down a notch when it would get too outer limits.

Why would I suddenly find myself on the receiving end of that kind of judgment? Well, this dating experience was more sober ... more "mature" in many ways ... than the other guys I'd gravitated to before, and in the years since my seriously studious grad school days (and especially since my last zany boyfriend experience), I've been learning to let go more and more. In that letting go, I've become more like those guys I've always been drawn to -- it's a pleasant side effect.

For instance:

• I revel in frivolity and whimsy. Can I help it if I have a really great sense of humor and enjoy sharing laughs with others, and that Pinterest came along and made that extra easy to do? The me who used to love to curl up with a book at night apparently also loves to find succinct witticisms in jpeg form and share then with my Facebook pals. It's probably because I have a somewhat soul-sucking job these days, but it's also because those images are just so damn hilarious!

• I truly appreciate messiness and coloring outside the lines. Both at home (I have almost as much stuff on shelves as I have "pins" on "boards"!) and inside a relationship (letting our lives spill into each other a bit, blurring our boundaries rather than neatly keeping our romance separate from our day-to-day lives), it excites me to see what the blending and juxtaposition of different aspects of things can bring. Basically, even in these early stages, I like being able to pick up the phone and call whenever, and sometimes that call might be: "Wanna makeout? Meet me in 20 minutes!" You can't do that when your relationship fits into a highly constrained and scheduled bubble.

"Bubble shapes can have different relationships"

• I dig randomness, irregularity, and novelty. This can sometimes make me seem like I have a short attention span, but I'm taking it all in, honest. Not a word or nuance of what you've said has been missed, I promise ... and later, when you least expect it, I will likely show you just how much attention I was paying when I surprise you with something you will love. But in the moment, sometimes it seems like ... ooh, a squirrel!

"Functional diagrams have irregular shapes with close proximity"

To someone who deliberately eschews frivolity, chaos, and variance in his personal life in favor of moderation, austerity, and discipline, I might come off as a tad ... exasperating. Interestingly, all those things that make him uncomfortable in his personal life totally fascinate him in his career analyzing them as a scientist. Admittedly, I am somewhat the opposite in my professional life, too.

So there I was for the first time in possibly ever: on the receiving end of that kind of scrutiny. Mind you, it was subtle, not heavy-handed at all, but it still kind of sucked a bit ... and I'm glad for it, frankly. It opened me up to a way of being that was not serving me in love. I can now appreciate how others have felt as I looked upon them as some sort of mildly naive child and/or annoyingly frustrating disappointment. I see now that being on the receiving end of it simultaneously makes you hope you don't disappoint them further, while wondering if you should throw in the towel sooner rather than later.

The truth is, feeling that tone coming from him may have played a role in my decision to hit "pause" when I did, but I wouldn't trade being on the receiving end of that experience for anything. I will always appreciate the "adorable" lesson that I learned from this experiment (have I used enough sciencey/teachy puns yet?). I've also learned that who we are in a breakup says just as much about how we love as how we fall in love does.

How Will It End Next Time?

Regardless of who he is, the next object of my desire will be the luckiest one of them all, because first hand experience of dating a version of myself has helped me be so much more tuned-in, empathetic, and caring. Personally, I'm still holding out hope for that "happily ever after" because I know they do exist ... I even know a few examples personally, and have conjured many others in my mind. I'm ready, willing, able, and the law of averages dictates that I am due for one.

She ain't dead yet, so back on that horse I go!

"Giddyup!"

Post script:

As I was putting the final touches of edits and images on this little ditty, a message came in from Mister Adorable that cleared so many things up, and confirmed everything above and then some. Due to "philosophical differences" regarding relationships -- he sees love as "hard work" and "effort," while I see love as a way to share fun, joy, and excitement about being alive with someone special -- there will not be a next time with this one. I know he thought his message was going to pack some sort of an eye-opening wallop to me, but instead I look at it with a sigh, knowing I was there once, too ... heck, this blog is chock full of those kinds of moments where I attempted the very same blame-filled argument from that very same exasperated perspective. I like where I am now much better ... and it's got a fantastic view!