My father shipped a box of goodies to my kids for Christmas. The part of the package that stood out the most to me was what was given to my son, Malachi.
I should state here that Malachi waivers between atheism (when he's wanting to see who's goat he'll get) to reverent agnostic beliefs, but always filled with challenging questions that could rattle the Pope. My father, on the other hand, sits firmly on the side of evangelical, born-again Conservativism, don't-question-what-you're-told sheepdom. He sees Malachi as a "tester."
And for those curious onlookers, I named him Malachi not for the OLD TESTAMENT reference to the prophet Malachi who foretold the coming of Christ... and not for the evil red-headed kid who did Isaac's bidding in CHILDREN OF THE CORN... but for the simple fact that it had a bouncy ring to it everytime his father and I said it. And for further reference, Malachi's real life personality tends to waiver in between the prophet and the evil henchman mentioned above, oddly enough.
So I watched this year as Malachi unwrapped what turned out to be a metal Russel Stover's candies tin with an image of Elvis on the lid. Then I noticed as my son's face twisted into a puzzled frown when he opened the candy box and pulled out... no, not candy... but a book. A "WWJD" book, to be precise. (for clarity's sake, WWJD=What Would Jesus Do)
Shoved inside the book was a card. Malachi read the card quickly, then shrugged and simply tossed it on the table. I asked him what the card said and he replied, "Just some Jesus stuff again." He looked really disappoined. Although he did get 2 gift cards that he could use later on, I could tell he was really looking forward to the candy.
I never read the card until just today, as I have been sick with a 104 degree fever, a crouping cough that sounds like sea lions mating, and so much mucus that there simply aren't enough tissues in the world to contain it all... adding up to what I believe is some version of Bird Flu, because I had been visiting a couple of pet shops and I cooked chicken the other day and 2+2=4 ... I'm no dummy. I know this administration has been looking for it's opportunity to rub me out! Well, I'm still here, suckers! I'M! STILL! HERE!
So anyway, in my feverish fog, I never thought to read all the children's cards until today, when I was tidying up and about to throw all holiday reminders into the trash. That's when I noted that my card, as well as my other two children's card, had no other note but: "Have a Blessed Christmas!" from my father and step-mother. But Malachi's card... well, Malachi's card solves the mystery that has lingered with America for like a quarter of a century:
Why did Elvis die?
Read for yourself!
Of course! Now it all makes sense!
The King of the Jews ... The King of Rock 'N Roll.
One and the same! Jesus = Elvis
And Elvis died for our sins too!
Why hadn't I thought of that before? I'm sure someone else has a whole theory on this. Probably South Park. Or Mojo Nixon. I'm glad that I've finally been enlightened. Now I get to share this theory with Malachi when he gets back from his dad's house in a couple of days. I can't wait to tell him all about them both being "the King" and how dying on the cross is akin to dying on the toilet.
Amen.
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