She invited me over to dinner about 2 hours ago and was serving chicken and salads... all very healthy stuff for a change. That right there should have made me suspicious.
She laid out several salad dressings, but 3 were of the "creamy, white stuff" variety that she knows I never touch, and only one was a vinaigrette (red wine variety). Clue #2... kind of like when you are having someone draw straws and you push the shortest one up highest in the bunch to fool someone into thinking it's a long one.
I poured it on and noticed that it was awfully thick and sticky for a vinaigrette (clue #3), but it was "fat free" and I guess I assumed that it was just badly made and was probably going to taste bad.
So when I put a piece of cauliflower in my mouth, I wasn't immediately alarmed by the odd flavor (clue #4). It took me about a minute before I placed the odd flavor: dirt and rancid band-aid.
I tell her to try it, because it tastes funny... she refused to taste it (clue #5) and instead opts for giving it a whiff. Immediately, her expression turned to disgust and she told me to spit it out. She gazed at the bottle, trying to spot a sell by date on it, and while it was turned with the back towards me, I noticed there was a copyright date for the product: 1996.
I asked to see it, since she's getting very far-sighted in her years... turned it round and round until I spotted the tiniest of prints:
19JUN99
EIGHT YEARS PAST IT'S SHELF LIFE!!! HOLY HELL!!!
I tried over and over to rinse my mouth, but the taste had decided to cling to the back of my palette and into my nasal passages. I can still sense it there now as I type this 2 hours later!
I tried to take it home with me, but my mother grabbed it and ran away, yelling, "Oh no you don't! You're not going to put it on the internet and tell all your friends about it!" See, there's clue #6 that she's been informed about this and was getting revenge.
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