April Fool

Girlfriend's log:: Star Date 7-01042007

I've entered into what is becoming familiar territory, after 6 long months piloting this (relation)ship. It's the dreaded MAN PERIOD again... otherwise known as "Negative Nelly has come for a visit." It's not quite set to the lunar cycle, but it's close... by my calculations, it seems to occur every 4-5 weeks and lasts for 5-7 days.

I've been trying to survive for the past several days by laying low, being positive whenever possible (which is difficult, since Aunt Flow was visiting here, too) and only cursing him in private or behind his back. I find the one curse that works best for me is the one that involves me sobbing angrily and saying, "Why am I still dating this guy? There better be mind-blowing sex for me to continue putting up with this kind of cruel shit... I'm talking the mess you up in the head variety of sex, not this 'maybe once in a blue moon' shit that has been going on lately. Oh yeah, there's gonna be changes if I'm gonna stick with this a**."

Where was I? Ah, yes... the blue menace.

This time I almost predicted the events that would happen, yet because I've seen that damned video of The Secret I now have to think, "Stop that or you'll Secret that into your life!" It becomes that snake eating it's tail.

The week started badly from the previous weekend, in which he was too busy doing stuff he'd put off for work to spend any quality time hanging out... a procrastination thing that he pulls slightly more regularly than the man period, so it can't be blamed on the time of the month.

This brought on a conversation that I initiated in which I told him that we needed to make more of an effort to be intimate or we'll both become too complacent to bother with it anymore at all... followed by his admission that he would be totally okay with that, because he never thinks about sex.

Yes, I glanced at his gonadal region. They're still there. I'm just as confused as you are, trust me.

Then somehow the conversation turned to him getting a rabbit. I'm not sure who started that one, but he was full-on enthusiastic about bringing a bunny into his house for about 2 solid days, until he talked to his brother.

His older brother has a knack for fucking a lot of things up just by saying something off the cuff. He apparently precipitated D's cheating on and thus ending a relationship with a girl he loved back in his younger days just by asking him why he was wasting his artistic talents by working at a library instead of staying in art school. Suddenly, D was sleeping with some other chick, telling the girl he loved about it, and she, of course, had to end it. Next thing you know, D's back in art school, which ultimately lead him to impregnating and marrying a highly unstable S&M stripper chick, whom he's still trying to get out from under 13 years later.

This time, his brother was going on and on about how he's going to devote all of his time to his business, so that he can be successful and retire soon, and that he's going to forget about wasting his time dating. (This comes on the heels of his brother dating a woman for the first time in years and finally getting to have sex in eons, and her breaking up with him immediately after that... sounds like over-compensating to me. Time to buy a Corvette, maybe.) Then D said something about all he wanted to do at the end of the day was watch tv on his "42-inches of love," as he calls it. His brother acted all shocked by his recovered workaholic brother's response, the spent the next hour spewing stuff he'd read in "how to be successful" books.

The next day, Dean calls me to tell me that he's not getting the bunny (which was fine, albeit a confusing shift in tone) because it was just another distraction in a long line of distractions (implicating me in that list of "distractions"), when he should be concentrating all of his extra time into his career. In that same day, he'd received a box from his mother of all of his awards and bon mots from his dozen years in his chosen career, which apparently depressed him even more, because he'd been doing nothing towards getting more accolades since his marriage blew up.

D's been extra angry at his estranged wife, because not only did she cheat on him with another guy, but she apparently ruined his "plan" for early retirement... he thought he'd accumulate more awards and fame and be retired by 40. Instead, when the man period hits, all he whines on about is "I never expected to be 37 and having to start over," as if he is the first person to ever have to do such a thing.

I summoned all the powers of positivity that I could muster and said, "Wait, you're talking about Emmy's and awards and all this great stuff... and tons of people already know your name... sounds to me like you've reached your successful status earlier than 40. Maybe the breakup was just an earlier early retirement, making way for your second-life career shift." I even pulled the whole, "There's more than one measure of success, you know. And I don't care if your brother makes an assload of money before he's 50... if he had to do it by living in your parents' house and sacrificing any romantic life whatsoever, then he's a failure. I'm sorry, but it's the truth."

His tone changed a little, but he still was upset that he wasn't scoring more Emmy's... that he only had 2 (and 7 nominations), but of course his mom didn't send him the one Emmy statue that he has left. That's when I saw a pivotal life-lesson moment, and I asked him to tell me the details of what happened to the second Emmy statue. "Did it get smashed at the end?" (Then I told him that I'd forgotten the tale, but I hadn't.)

He proceeded to tell me that his wife had yelled at him "YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOUR WORK!" and to prove to her that his work didn't matter, he took one of his Emmys and smashed it. I think I asked if it helped him win the argument or prove anything, which he admitted it didn't. Later, in recapping that conversation, I tried to tell him that he was trying to make a case for how he had to be MORE successful in his work and to devote MORE time to it, yet it had obviously caused his personal life some serious harm... not that I was laying blame on him for the end, just that it was obviously a point of contention between them. He agreed entirely.

I then took the one day a week that he sets aside to train me and I told him, "I want you to use that whole day to work on your business stuff. If you devote one whole day a week, instead of piece-mealing hours here and there, I'm sure you'll see a big difference. We can do my training during 'girlfriend time,' I don't care." ("Girlfriend time" is anything off-the-clock, like the weekend, as opposed to "employee time" or "trainee time." He needs labels and I think he's going to start making me wear a hat and a name tag.)

Guess what happened? It went great, naturally. He was so caught up in his work, he finished everything he'd been putting off for the last year. I came over the next day and he was in such a refreshed mood that he had changed his mind again about getting a rabbit... then we spent the rest of the day picking out bunnies and getting supplies and playing with the furry things (he got 2, but had to return one the next day, because they were fighting).

Today, however, it all went sour when the bunny exchange went down. After the long drive back to the store, we walk in and tell them about the fighting and want to exchange this one for the calmer bunny that shared the cage with the other bunny he's keeping. Suddenly there's all this covert sideways glancing going on between the staff and we hear, "Uh, we don't have any rabbits in the store right now. They're on hold until after Easter, to prevent Easter buying."

"But we were just in here yesterday afternoon and we're not buying, we're exchanging. Can you see if he's in the back somewhere?"

The staff scatter for a moment and one finally comes back, shifting his weight back and forth and scratching his neck awkwardly, saying, "Nope, they've been shipped back to a central location. Store policy." It was all very alien-abduction like. The kid kept trying to make small talk and avoid eye contact, and I could tell he was lying... like they had the bunny in a crate in the back, like it was the Ark in Raiders.

D's positive buoyancy instantly deflated. He returned the troublesome bunny, and left the store empty-handed. I tried to pick him up with talk of going to other places to find another bunny. We drove for a couple of hours in dreary afternoon weather without any luck... 2 bunnies here, but they're already bonded... no bunnies there... a bunch of bunnies over there, but none are neutered and it seemed too shady. Dean grew more and more silent with each passing minute, as if I'd created the bunny troubles, or something.

At the last store, he finally stated, "That's it. I'm done with the rabbit stuff and returning the other one, too. I never wanted a rabbit in the first place. This is stupid."

It was easy for me to see that Dean doesn't handle delayed gratification or changes in plans well at all, and he over-reacts to think that everything is ruined or a bad idea. It's the same thing that my kids do... give up completely if something doesn't go how they imagined it would.

He spent the rest of the day completely silent towards me or just completely asleep, and by the time he woke up, the silent treatment was even worse... which seemed impossible, but there it was.

I finally asked if we could do our training time, and he acted like it was not at all what he wanted, but he did... only to then tell me that he couldn't train me on anything I showed him, because it was all garbage. It was about 20 minutes of that, then he walked away and started putting on things in the bathrooms.

I tried to see what I could do to fix things, but there wasn't anything I knew to do. I went to where he was watching television and finally asked him if he was okay. I'd been hoping all day that the mood would pass after food, or after a nap, or something... but it had only got worse. That's when he pulled the whole, "This isn't working for me," thing.

The "this isn't working" line started back in December, during our second trip to Florida. We'd gotten into a bit of a spat, then he went silent, and when I tried to get him to talk, he pulled the "this isn't working" thing... and about how he's not ready to be in a relationship. Mind you, he practically begged me to be in this relationship with him... and when he isn't having his man period, he talks about how I've helped him to get over his failed marriage and to grow in so many ways. But when it's raggy D, it's like Dr. Jekyll drank the potion... or when Bruce Banner says "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," and then next thing he knows he's waking up in an alley and his clothes are all shredded.

I had to listen to him tell me how he can't train me, because he can't talk to me like he would talk to other people he'd train because of our dating... and that he can't date me, because he can't talk to me like someone he'd just date... and that he got the bunny to appease me somehow (which I was confused by, yet again)... and about how he has no interest in sex, etc.

Mind you, it's been over 2 weeks since... you know.

I then began my questions, trying to understand the deal... what caused this round of "this isn't working" when for weeks it seemed fine, much like the previous time, and the time before that. This is the first time I labeled it a "man period" and that's when he says that an old roommate of his used to called it exactly that, and how an old ex-girlfriend labeled him as manic depressive, because of this mood shift of his.

So I said to him, "If this has been you for basically your whole adult life, as you seem to be saying now, why are you labeling this moment with me as you not being ready for a relationship? Sounds like you're never ready for one, yet you keep getting into them. And I doubt you'll stop after you're done with me." He agreed, there was some slight lift in the mood at this point. Then I told him that I thought this was also coming on because he's scared about introducing his son to me next week, which will be the first time he's been allowed to see his son in 15 months. He agreed to that idea, as well.

Finally I asked, "So are you just throwing the baby out with the bath water?" To which he said, "Yes, I do tend to cut off my nose to spite my own face on a regular basis." Is this a good sign when you start communicating in metaphors alone? I'm not sure. Hell, I'm not even sure we were using the correct ones. He did seem to calm down quite a bit though, enough to finally come sit beside me at last.

I'm not sure if we're out of the woods yet. We probably won't be until he finally comes around and ...uh... comes around. Meanwhile, I'll just keep walking on these here egg shells.