Patience, grasshopper

We could call this another example of "I couldn't make this shit up if I tried."

Since D and I started getting to know one another, there's been a little thorn in my paw in regards to one person... I'll be specific and let you pass judgment on me as simply jealous, before the tale unfolds. This person was a woman. Shocking, I know.

Anyway, when D became enamored with me (pretty much immediately, as I recall), he confided in me that he compared my correspondence with him to the correspondence he'd received from another woman he was interested in and whom he'd only had slight passing conversations with over the course of several months. He was blown away by how much he and I had in common and how fun and easy it was for us to talk; whereas the other girl's messages were short, few and far between, and left a lot to be desired in their quality.

What can I say. I give good email.

Aside from that, he added that he'd been attracted to her and hoping that he could have a fling with her before each of them left South Florida for other cities. He then told me that because of our emails and great chemistry, he was going to cancel a date that he'd made with her. I told him not to, because he hadn't met me yet, but he was certain that I was whom he was supposed to meet, not her.

Long story short, he ended up going on that date anyway (he called it a non-date, because it didn't end in a kiss, but we all know it was what it was) and then went out with her another time or two before leaving for Atlanta.

He also told her that she could come stay with him in his new apartment on her way from South Florida to Oregon, so she could have a place to crash... and they'd talked about how if it didn't work out for her out west, she'd likely be moving to Atlanta next.

Well, he came to Atlanta and he and after our first "non-date" together, he told me that he HAD to date me. We did have great chemistry, so I completely agreed... though we had to take things slow and work out the details of the boss/girlfriend relationship, since I was also agreeing to be his assistant in getting his business set up here.

Our first week together was totally grand, but at the end came the news... this girl was going to be coming to stay overnight with him. My stomach sank.

When he told me about this person, he never told me who she was, but I was able to figure it out based on how many comments she'd left him in his profile... they were in abundance and looked to be trying to rival mine. Naturally I was curious, so I checked out her profile and found that it smacked of the kind of person who is completely full of themself... and exactly the kind of girl that I try to avoid... the bitchy drama queen who just loves to meddle and stir the shitstorm in people's lives.

I had my best gal pal check out her profile, just trying to express my concerns over D's interest in her, and my pal pegged her right off as my complete opposite... she couldn't figure out why he'd be into someone like her at all if he was also into me.

It turns out that D's interest had been that she was exactly like his ex... and exactly like the girls he'd always been attracted to before his marriage: bitchy and off-balanced. It didn't hurt that she was hot as well, and his buddies were all encouraging him to "do her" for the sake of their vicarious fantasies. He claims he thought she'd be fine to hang out with for the brief time before he left Florida, but he did have enough sense about him to not want a relationship with this person. Still... he did tell her that was interested in her one day when he caught her twirling her hair in the way that drives him nuts... and I could see in his retelling of that tale that there was a definite attraction for him.

I didn't say anything about any of that, however, until he asked me one day if I had a problem with his roommate... another girl and also another former attraction of his from years back. I didn't have any problem with her, because I'd met her and the vibe that I felt from her was that she was a good person... down to earth and genuinely sweet. The South FL girl did not give me that impression at all... and without being able to meet her myself, it really left me feeling uncomfortable. So when he asked if I was uncomfortable with his choice of roomies, that's when I felt it was the right time to tell him who did make me uncomfortable... it also happened to be the day that South FL girl was coming to stay with him.

I was good-natured about it all... teasing that the girl had trouble written all over her and that she was coming up with all of her life's possessions in a U-Haul, uncertain of any real future out west, and to stay at an empty apartment with a guy who made a very decent living. Yeah, I totally could see her envisioning her shit in his empty apartment.

Luckily, because I'd said that to D, he laid clear ground with her that he was very happy with his new girlfriend and he made her get on her merry way, bright and early the next morning. He even said that after his roommate met the girl, she later told him that she thought she was bad news.

Now, if the girl had gone on her merry way to West Coast and disappeared into obscurity in D's life, I'd have been perfectly fine with those events... even though I know many a girl who'd NEVER stand for the overnight thing at all without staying there all night herself.

Unfortunately, the chick wouldn't stop calling D. First it was hours and hours of calling through her whole drive. Then it was weekly, sometimes multi-weekly calls to him, with conversations that lasted for hours. I didn't know about these calls until the day that D finally said, "Okay, I have to tell you this, because I feel guilty about even answering the phone now." When he said she was calling all the time to chat, I asked him to taper off the number of times he answered... answering fewer and fewer times until finally she found someone else to pester.

That didn't work, however, because D said he felt like a jerk not taking her calls. He also thought she was a good person who just thought he was a "great guy" who gave awesome advice and was dismayed that I wouldn't think of him that way. That wasn't true in the slightest. My gut was screaming something else.

I felt that he had an unnaturally strong interest in her (a girl he had nothing at all in common with and really didn't know well at all) due to his lusty attraction for her... and I felt that her interest was motivated by something else as well. Sure, she'd turned him down when he told her that he was interested, but I felt she was trying to keep a constant bridge to him as a back-up plan... if it didn't work out for her out West, she could come to him and have him help pick up the pieces. The sheer volume of her calls and the length of their conversations just wasn't right to me.

Little did I know, but just by me asking D to stop talking to her made him want to talk to her even more. He has an issue with being told what to do by anyone, so when I made that simple request for the sake of our blossoming relationship, he took it as me throwing down a gauntlet of sorts. In his mind, he set out to continue doing exactly as he wished and hoped that the end result would prove me wrong.

As the months went by, she'd call and I'd tell him that it bugged me that she was still calling, but there was really no big discussion needed. I'm a firm believer in not bottling and in stating one's issues. I'm also a firm believer in not making your partner feel uncomfortable ever. If someone makes a request that isn't outrageous (not telling you to get rid of long term friends or family, I mean), then there's no reason why you can't comply. If the relationship doesn't work out, you can always look up the abandoned friend and play catch up, no harm done. If the relationship does last, then it's worth respecting the other person's boundaries... again, within reasonable limits, of course.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that my best approach in this matter would be simply to stop focusing on how much her calls bugged me and start focusing on how she will show her true colors very soon. This wasn't verbalized to D... he had no clue that I was doing this. I did it silently and just refocused my thoughts, knowing that at the very least it would make my sense of humor about the situation much lighter... and at the best, she would show her colors very soon.

I've only been thinking this way for about two weeks now... and guess what happened today? Yep. The pro-active thinking paid off.

Today D was in a foul mood due to some court papers coming his way, so when South FL girl called him, he answered just so he could vent (so he says). Since he was venting, he also told her about my issue with her constant phone calls. Before I'd switched my thoughts over to thinking her away rather than talking her away, I'd said to him, "Do I need to email her and straighten this out?" He'd told me not to do that, so I didn't and instead waited to see how he'd deal with it himself.

Because he was in the mood to talk about everything on his mind today, he told her how I had a problem with his continued friendship with her and her constant phone calls. He claims he was testing her to find out if she did in fact like him more than a friend, or to see if she'd just say, "That's crazy. I have no interest in you." She did neither.

Instead she blew up into a rage over the whole thing and said she wanted to email me. He agreed to it, because of my earlier statement that I was going to do the same, but he warned her that it would be a test... if she said anything crazy, she was gone... or if she was sweet and calm, then he and I would be having words. He thought that she'd heed his advice.

He also "forgot" to any of this to me at all.

I had apparently called him moments after his talk with her and we began chatting about his court issues and whatnots, which made him forget about his conversation about her email. Suddenly, while on the phone with him, I see in my inbox a message from this chick and I interrupt our talk to say, "Uh, D. Why do I have a message from G here?" He said, "Oh yeah, about that... um..." and proceeded to tell me about their talk. He kept me from reading the message until he was done, then asked me to read it aloud. Here's the actual message:


Subject: So...

D just let me in on the little tiddy that he doesn't pic up some of my phone calls because you aren't comfortable with him speaking to me because he let it out long before you two got together that he had a slight interest in me.

Fact: He expressed his interest. I said we were better off friends.

Fact: We are amazing friends. And that's it.

Fact: I have a boyfriend, and wish nothing to do with your man.

Fact: I do not deserve to be involved with ANY of your insecurities.

Your getting all upset and quiet whenever he mentions my name is bullshit. His feeling that he can't speak to me because you get upset because of it is bullshit. I don't deserve to be shoved aside in one of MY friends lives because of some insecure girlfriend that can't get over one thought that is long gone.

I am his friend, and he is mine. You need to do everyone a favor and get over whatever your issue is. You have NO right or reason to be insecure when it comes to me.


I was shocked and dumbfounded, yet simultaneously relieved to finally have confirmation that the chick was indeed psycho. D was just sickened and beside himself. Not only was that message completely uncalled for and offensive, he'd just been proven wrong and owed me a big apology, which he immediately gave without me asking.

Now, if this girl had truly written to ease my discomfort and reassure me that not only did she want to retain D only as a friend, but expressed interest in befriending me as well, I would have been the one eating crow and handing out apologies. I'm a rational person and I tend to expect others to show the same courtesy... but my gut is something I've learned to listen to more and more with age. It's right 99.99% of the time, while my rational side tends to give people benefit of the doubt too often, which then causes me a lot of pain and heartache. I've been a stubborn over-thinker most of my life, but I've wisened and had to learn the hard way that intuition trumps reason.

Instead of befriending me, what she wrote was confrontational and full of accusations that were not only untrue and unhelpful in this situation, but also twisted D's own words to make her "point." Luckily, D was quick to realize his error and to see this person for what she clearly was: mean and downright ugly.

I chose not to respond to her at all. Why should I? I have my answer about her. Instead, D asked for me to forward the message to him so he could reply to her himself. Here's his solemn response:


G,

This is not what I meant when I said it was ok to email S.
This message is aggressive and hurtful.
We won't be talking again.

D


In the meantime, she'd called while we were on the phone discussing this fiasco and left him the sweetest of messages (before she'd gotten his reply, of course), to tell him that she'd emailed me. The dichotomy of her tone was baffling to him, especially when he got to read her final snippy reply to his reaction message:


D... This is EXACTLY everything that I said to you. The only thing I added was that I have a boyfriend, because you asked me to.

If you can't see that this is exactly what I said to you, and exactly what you OKed, then that's your problem. Have fun enabling the problem.


Wow. Mean, self-centered, and completely clueless. Does this sound high school-ish or what?

D is thoroughly nauseated by this experience now and completely humbled. He's apologized to me for his actions and how he'd gotten angry at me before for stating my gut feelings to him... and he knows that he'll never live this down. He really wanted me to be wrong. And if I had been wrong, I definitely would have apologized to both of them... I even second guessed myself repeatedly, but the gut never wavered. Now if anything like this ever comes up in the future and he disputes my gut reaction, my argument will always be one word: G.

Despite the pain of this experience for him, I, of course, find humor in it. Not "told ya so" or anything like that... just how over-the-top her email was to me. Way to ingratiate yourself to your "amazing" friend's significant other.

As an added footnote, she immediately took D out of her self-designed Myspace friends list and replaced him with someone else. He's not even on Myspace anymore --hasn't been almost 6 months-- yet she'd created a thumbnail for him and kept it linked to his professional page and had him listed in her top friends right next to her supposed "boyfriend." She sure didn't waste time getting rid of D though. And when he finally read her page in this new light, he was amazed at how he never noticed how into herself she was... not to mention the fact that she doesn't list having a boyfriend and the guy she's been going on about as her boyfriend doesn't even have her anywhere in his top friends and hasn't left a single comment to her, despite her overrunning his page with daily comments. Scary.

I added the conclusion that her career is as a faux finishing artist and that maybe she had a faux boyfriend as well... and seeing as how her friendship wasn't really what it seemed to D, it's not too far fetched that she's made up everything. (This comment didn't make D feel any better, of course, despite my finding the humor in it.)

I also found it amusing that she has the quote "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are so full of doubts," by Bertrand Russell in her ABOUT ME section, then goes on to give a dissertation as long as this blog entry here about who she is, what she does for a living, and who she doesn't want in her life. Ah, unintentional irony... how I adore thee.

Is there a moral to this story? Trust your gut... and your friend's gut, too.