The part that I left out was that in that time, I really didn't do any dishes. First of all, it was too fucking hot to stand up and wash anything. Then I just didn't have any water, so it's not really my fault that ants streamed in through the kitchen window to get at the various things fermenting in the sink.
What probably is my fault, however, is the baking pan that I left sit in the oven since... well... probably since the kids left for the summer... 6 or 7 weeks earlier.
Let me just back up a moment and tell you all that I fully admit my lack of domestic abilities. And when the kids are gone, it's true, I live like a bachelor... a retarded bachelor in serious need of a helper monkey, that is.
This summer, as I'd done the summer previous, I tried to subsist for as long as possible on just whatever was in my fridge and cabinets. I like a challenge, and making things like "un-hummus" or "umm-tuna?-surprise!" is what makes my life interesting... or makes for many trips to the bathroom.
Let me show you some examples from last year's 5-week kid hiatus...
At first glance, my fridge makes me appear as a doting mom...
...until you notice that: (a) the calendar is 7 months out of date, (b) magnets are messed up from when the kids did that 4 months earlier, (c) emergency phone number list is about 3 years out of date, (d) mom keeps photo of herself with gay high school sweetheart in prominent view, (e) complex calculations on dry erase board are for tipping pizza guy, (f) cabinet next to fridge still not attached to wall and raised up on visible shim, among other things.
Inside isn't much better...
...on the door, we see: (a) expired and nearly empty milk container, (b) an embarrassingly huge array of condiments, (c) far too many pickled things (all of which are still there a year later, mostly untouched), (d) and a soy milk container that's just there to fool any lookeeloos into thinking I'm actually healthy.
Yes, it's clean... but only just before the photo was taken (wiped about 7 years worth of build up out of there) to make it slightly less embarrassing for me.
Notice all the empty space. Wanna know what's in the meat drawer? I bet you don't!
Last summer, I lived off of weird things, like: Diet Coke, a large supply of Buffalo Summer Sausage (mmm), and more eggs than have ever been thrown at the Bush motorcade. Those last 2 sausages were gone that same evening, most likely.
Do cheeses go bad?
FYI, the date these photos were taken was July 2, 2005.
Amazingly, a year later and that parmesian block on the right is still in there right where I left it. Yeah, I suck. I know.
Anyway, that was last year. This year, the fridge isn't much different, so I didn't bother documenting it. However, there was a whole different kind of surprise awaiting me in the oven.
Now it's true that once during final exam week, while cramming for several tests along with writing 4 different research papers, I left a pot sitting in the sink for about a week before I noticed the foul odor and investigated, only to find that it contained fuzzy, gray circular shaped objects... which upon scanning my memory banks, I realized had once been steamed carrots. It was the frightening alien color along with the gut-wrenching scent that threw me off track at first. Who knew such tiny, harmless veggies could end up smelling like rotting cadavers?
Last night's find was just as terrifying.
I knew it would be bad news when I pulled the pan out of the oven, covered by a baking sheet, with me unable to remember what I last may have cooked in such a pan... and lifting the cover didn't help me to remember.
Instead, what I found was a new world forming and life of about a dozen different varieties teeming inside.
Welcome to New Gondwanaland
view facing East
view facing West
directly overhead
details of the future continents (and a Tribble or three)
I'm guessing that hair will form future Yetis.
Removal of the science experiment required an assistant.
Honora fetched the masks...
...while I averted my eyes...
...in an attempt not to provoke it.
As suspected, its underbelly was far scarier...
...like brains growing in cat puke.
I'm not as disgusting as it would seem by these photos. The only difference between me and the rest of you is that I embrace my embarrassing moments and share them for your amusement, so that you may feel better about your own lives... and possibly make some queasy someone out there vomit a little.
A girl can dream, can't she?
No comments:
Post a Comment