My Dog Has Diarrhea

(...and Other Shitty Tales)

Today sucked. It just plain sucked.

Why? I'll TELL you WHY?!

1. Being woken up at 6:00 AM by hot dog breath after passing out on the couch at 4:30 AM and blearily walking to the back door to let the pack out, only to discover that we've all... all 6 of us, have trod through turds.

2. Still bleary-eyed at 6:01 AM and having to clean dog shit out of the pads of 5 sets of dog feet, as well as wiping off my own.

3. Getting in the shower and discovering that all shampoo bottles are empty and there are no more bars of soap in the house. "That's okay, I'll just pretend I'm French today."

4. Coasting in to the gas station on fumes and having to fill up the mammoth tank of my ridiculous minivan at the price of $2.49 per gallon. Total bill: $44.96

5. Driving downtown to a university "campus" that charges $5.00 or more in every nearby lot, even though my entire visit to said "campus" was 42 minutes long.

6. Coming home and deciding that since the afternoon is still young, I shall catch a flick at the local multiplex to destress. Getting popcorn and a frozen Coke and settling into a seat that is one row ahead of my favorite spot, because a pair of loud-talking (probably Doctor Who fanatic) freaks are already in my spot.

7. Having a hard time relaxing through film, because nerdboy behind me in my favorite seat keeps making sound effects every time someone gets punched or decapitated in this flick. (It was Sin City, so his number of "oohahs" and "zeeeeings" were countless).

8. Finally relaxing after the sound effects subside... 2/3rds of the way into the film.

9. Tensing up again after discovering that the sound effects were only being momentarily displaced by a whole different set of more subtle sounds: the nerd couple were making out. (Let me pause a moment and paint a picture for you using cinematic references: imagine "Doc" in Back to the Future making out with the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? and then you will understand why I cannot get that image out of my head, even though I caught it out of the corner of my eye.)

10. Almost becoming completely unhinged upon realizing that there was some "heavy petting" going on based on the sounds and ...ahem... the smells. Yes, smells.

11. Lasting for a total of 11 minutes and ending with what sounded like a long, sucking wheeze, the sounds (and smells) subsided, only to be replaced by the gut punching sound effects again.

12. Racing out of the theater, not staying to watch the credits as film freaks like myself love to do, and getting to my vehicle in time to quell the nausea by "huffing" the hanging car freshener. (It's berry, in case you're wondering.)

13. Returning home after being away for 5 hours to let excited doggies out once again only to have them all stop short before traversing the 8 square feet covered in doggie doody between us and the back door. (Guess they didn't enjoy having their feet washed this morning by a grumpy, myopic bitch.)

14. Herding them around the mess in the mere square inches of un-shat-upon flooring and spend the next hour cleaning up. (By this time, I'd figured out who the sicko was.)

15. Locking up sick fido, letting others have free range.

16. Spending the next 7 hours cleaning up liquid mess from the cage and feet of the sicko.

17. Realizing that the whole house smells like ass... which is only slightly less repulsive than what wafted my way in the theater earlier today.

18. Being too terrified to go to sleep now even though it's 2:00 AM, for fear that the image of those *shudder* two will permeate my dreams in some fucked up way... like suddenly I find myself sandwiched in a menage a trois with them.

I could go on, I'm sure, but I think I grossed everyone out enough for one day.