Bless This Mess

UNDER CONSTRUCTION: PARDON OUR DUST!

I'm not even going to sugarcoat it, folks. I'll just be blunt...

I've had a history of dating men who entertain dalliances and distractions that they claim are merely friends, but to whom they're clearly attracted and cling to like safety nets, in case it doesn't work out between us. As a result, of course, it does not work out.

And I've attracted these insecure, unsure men because of my own insecurities ... ones which most definitely date back to my earliest relationship role models: my parents. Their mistakes and angsty vibes did not need to stick to me. I could have shook them off by not noticing them from the get go, but I didn't know that noticing things was a choice.

As a result, I felt fragile ... vulnerable to the whims of others, and fearful of any signs of those whims. I wondered why those things happened "to" me, what was it "about" me that brought repeat experiences with the most significant of significant others. I felt "not enough" and "defective" because I unable to keep a man's affection, and felt his gaze upon all the other more suitable models out there.

Did I need to play more mind games, like other girls? Did I need to dress more feminine? Did I need to lose weight? Did I need to take more interest in his interest? Or maybe less interest in his interests and more interest in what I wear or how I look? Was I just not girlfriend (or wife) material?

Occasionally, I even began to fantasize and even flirt with my own "safety nets" before he could dump me, thinking it would hurt less when it happened. I never followed through, however, and it never hurt any less.

I'm done. I renounce that girl and her silly thoughts.

I took nearly three long years to work on reshaping that brain of mine to be ready for a joyful relationship. I created an imaginary boyfriend, who had all the qualities that I ever wanted -- and only those qualities. It was utterly fantastic, and it brought me into alignment with new, and newer, and newer still real-world examples of this delightful creation.

It brought me to where I am today, actually... seven months into a relationship that is quite literally the best that I've ever experienced. You may say, "Ah, but it sounds like your bar has been set pretty low," and to that I say, "Why you gotta go harshing my mellow?"

The biggest thing that I've come to realize is that the imaginary boyfriend did not prepare me for dealing with my own thoughts and observations of things. And when those little things started to creep in, I found that I was still exactly in that same place emotionally where I left them years earlier ... and they were ready to run wild again when that floodgate got opened.

I was also not prepared for my real-life boyfriend's insecurities to act as triggers for mine. My imaginary boyfriend did not have any fears. He confidently marched forward into every phase of our "relationship" in glee and enthusiasm for every new twist and turn. He had no past experiences to hold him back, to doubt his choices, because he had no past. Of course I wasn't going to create an imaginary boyfriend who was scared of anything life would dish out ... he hadn't lived! And yet, he felt more alive than anyone else I'd met.

A tough act to follow, you say? Well, try following the other kind act ... the highly contrasty kind I outlined from my past relationships. THAT is the real tough act to follow. And alas, it still haunts me ... and in turn, can trigger my real partner even subconsciously. And that may very well be the case.

He mentioned his hesitancy and fears early on, and that dam that I'd built to hold my own fears sprung a leak. I tried to patch it, but another trigger created another crack, and another, and next thing I knew, I was spending as much time repairing cracks in that dam as I was ignoring the dam entirely.

I may be in a relationship with the wrong person, if I look at it from the half-empty side. He's not going to be the person who is two steps ahead of my insecurities ... and that isn't his job; it's mine. As a matter of fact, he might always be two steps behind my insecurities ... running up to help smooth over the patchwork of my dam cracks while trying to get me to turn away from the blue menace ... but then my dam cracks remind him of his own dam cracks, causing him to focus his attention back on them.

In turn, his dam cracks then get noticed by me ... causing me to focus on more of the things that I don't want, rather than focus on all the wonderful things that are already here that I do want. And this vision of the unwanted in turn diminishes my joy and distracts me from living that life that I created in my imagination.

But does it have to be all bad ... just a chain of pain? No, on the contrary!

The half-full view shows that I have attracted exactly the right person for where I am right now. This is my golden, life-altering opportunity to figure out how to let go ... truly let go ... of the little demons that have been underfoot in probably every relationship I've ever had. It is not his job to keep me secure.

And should he choose to do or be any of the ghosts that rattle their chains in my head and heart, why should that worry me? My job is to remember my fantastic, vibrational creation... to live like he exists because he does in everything and everyone ... and to recognize every instance of him in whoever and wherever he may show up ... to focus on what I want and hold that focus to find more and more of that showing up.

As a result of this focus, I may lose touch with more people ... even those who are dear to me ... in the process of sticking to this ideal. People who cannot or will not face the direction that I'm facing. Either they will fall away on their own accord, or I will need to seek directions away from them, but it is for the best for everyone. If there have been past hurts, there is no need to invite opportunities for future ones.

And if there a current opportunities for joy, there is only need to invite more of the same. In the process of moving toward better feeling places, new opportunities will arise, and the people who are still in my life and who will enter my life will have plenty of room to delight me.

So if I lose touch, dear ones, please know that I am doing well ... really well. Know that I love you and always will, and we'll meet up again whenever we're vibing in the same place. I'm excited to be able to tell you about all the wonderful things that I've found along the way!

UPDATE: 

What a difference a day makes. We discussed this blog and these things. And what came of it was there was absolutely no reason to let go and all the reason to see how this goes. The discussion ranged the gamut of fear and bewilderment to happiness and warmth. 

I had held back for 7 months from talking in as much detail as I had today about my demons because I didn't want to feed them, but they were growing anyway. And now that discussed them fully and openly, I also swore to myself and to him as well that I won't talk about my demons beyond this. Nor will I talk about his beyond today's discussion. 

I feel good. I hope he does, too, but it doesn't matter, because I'm going to picture him feeling awesome about this ... even more awesome than he already felt. 

Then this evening, I thought, "I haven't checked Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology site in a while ... I wonder if he has his whimsical spin on life ready for this week now?"

Sure enough, he just posted the newest ones today! And wow, if they ever weren't perfectly timed for this post. 

Here's mine: "Divine Intervention" 

Click Sagittarius to open full size.

Here's his: "Passion" 

Click Taurus to open full size.

Just what the love doctor ordered.