No Greasy Aftereffect

I learned a lot of stuff while growing up... especially a lot of stuff that really gets into the deep crevices of the mind and sets itself on repeat, turning you into an instant psycho the moment you retrieve such information and share it with another adult. Case in point: long bus rides on Girl Scouts camping trips. They were filled with useless songs and horrifying myths of oncoming "womanhood" that still haunt me to this day. I guess that's what you get when you subject young girls to an organization steeped in 1950s ideals, regardless of decades past, new innovations, women's lib, and other fun stuff. I've heard it's not much different today, so I've made sure to keep my daughter clear of those wackos.

Anyway, one song that is still rattling about in the folds of my cranium is something referred to as "The Billboard Song." I'm sure many of you heard it, too... or some variation of it. For those of you who don't know it, here are the lyrics:

"While I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The sign was torn and tattered from rain the night before,
But clearly I could understand the message that it bore.

Smoke Coke-a-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigley Spearmint beer,
Alpo is the dog food that'll make your wife's complexion clear,
Simonize your baby with a Hershey's Candy Bar,
And Texaco's the beauty cream that's used by every star.

So take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
Doctors say that children should smoke when they are three,
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton Tea."

(Apparently this is a variation of the original BILLBOARD SONG by Cy Coben and Charles Grean.)

I don't know about the rest of you unfortunate lads and lassies, but after hearing that damn thing sung by a bus load of happy campers some bazillion times, my vivid imagination has that damn image so ingrained in my head at this point that I could pass a lie detector test saying that I actually did see such a thing.

The only thing that might have scarred me worse is if I had actually grown up in the 50s. I just stumbled upon a wacky site called Weirdomatic.com and took a gander at their "Old Creepy Ads" section. There are some things that will make me never want to eat ham again, that's for sure. And thanks to the ad below (be sure to read it thoroughly for the full effect), I will never look at a can of Lysol the same way again.

Not feeling so fresh, ladies? Just shoot some disinfectant up your cooch for a cool, refreshing, sanitized feeling. Make sure you dry yourself well, perhaps a little talcum powder or lye might help prevent that recurring moisture problem of yours. I'm sure it's all doctor recommended, too! And if none of that works, you only have yourself to blame.