Swing and a Miss

I think too many people have been longing for my misadventures in dateland and have been praying to some higher power to bring that series back. Congratulations, people. The power of positive thinking has granted you a bounty.

Let me back up to remind everyone of the first in this chapter... the one that inspired poetic verse at first back in April, but ultimately ended with him sending me poetry just 3 weeks after it began... poetry that had been given to him by another woman... and had a love note penned by him to yet a different woman on it... along with another hand-written request from him to me asking that I send it back to him when I was done reading it.

Huh, you say? Okay, that was nothing... sure he was juggling quite a few women, but still... nothing by comparison to what has followed.

The next one that came along was someone whom I'd known from this wonderful place for nearly 2 years now. We'd never met in person, though we live in the same town... our paths never crossed. But he had subscribed to my blogs in 2004 and had been reading them since then. We'd also had lengthy email correspondences where we'd discuss personal stories and relationship issues at great length. And when it came time for me to fly to L.A. for my February trip, he generously offered up his own Skymiles for me to fly there for free.

When he and I found ourselves both single at the same moment in time at last, we decided to meet. I can't tell you all the details of that brief romance, because I'm too much of a lady to openly tell you what happened in certain areas... all I can tell you is that it lasted all of 4 weeks for a total of 3 dates, whereupon he disappeared out of the clear blue not for the first time... but for THREE times.

The first time, it was for just 2 days, shortly after our first date. Mr. Houdini resurfaced fairly quickly and had a good excuse. The second time, he disappeared after our third (and ultimately last) date, this time for 3 days and again with another story... something about helping a friend move for a few days. He confirmed with me the plans we'd previously made for going to a BBQ party, then promptly took off again for some sort of job somewhere else... called the next day to ask again about the time on the party for the following day... then disappeared entirely again.

That last disappearance took a whole week before I heard from him again... he never called to apologize about missing the party, and by about the third day, I deleted him entirely from my profile and from my life. Two people can play the disappearing act.

He called a week after I'd last heard from him, but I left it to go to my voicemail, since I wasn't in the right spirit to listen to yet MORE excuses. He left no message, but he still checks in on my profile from time to time, from what I can tell. He can't read this entry, however, as this it's set to my "preferred list" only.

So if you're reading this right now, friends, consider yourself part of the "in crowd" ... aren't you lucky? At least one of us is, because luck certainly isn't on my side. Let me tell you about the next story... another drop in the bucket and mere pittence in comparison to the other doozies...

I went on another date a week ago... someone I'd met on an online dating site. Yes, I know I'd sworn them off more than a year ago, but there I was, bored and surfing the Nerve.com personals again. He seemed okay, if maybe a bit nerdy, but I like nerds. Generally. He claimed that he looked like Bruce Springsteen... and he had a picture, but it seemed like maybe it was just a bad photo, if he indeed really did look like the Boss.

When he walked up, I wondered what the hell I'd just walked into... he had the posture and build of Mr. Burns from THE SIMPSONS and the only way he could be mistaken for Bruce is if Conan did one of those "If They Mated" things between Springsteen and Woody Allen... and he had been given Allen's voice sans the Jewish accent.

He was also completely clueless. We went to see an environmental documentary... not a romantic comedy or horror movie even... and yet he grabbed my hand and held it tight for most of the film. I was getting a cramp and feeling like an animal caught in a bear trap, wondering if I might have to gnaw off my own limb. Finally he moved a little bit and sure enough, my hand snapped back to my chest just to break free... an almost involuntary muscle spasm of sorts. Unfortuntately for me, that was not the end of the discomfort level, as he kept his hand firmly on my knee until the end of the film.

Guys, I have to ask you... do you think it's okay to be so bold on a first date? I guess if they're few and far between, you figure you've got to go for it in the hopes that it will work... but if a girl isn't giving you any signs that she's flirting or interested, why do you still do it? Why? Why why why? He tried to hold my hand again later after the movie and I evaded that one, too, by crossing my arms and keeping them tightly across me as I walked.

A little later (this wasn't a long date by any means), we went to get some coffee and he stepped behind me while we were in line, leaned into my ear and whispered, "Wanna get this to go? We could take it back to your place and drink it on your deck or something." I almost jumped out of my skin and stammered to say, "Uh, no, we can't do that. My deck doesn't have any chairs and is a safetly hazard... just about to collapse. I don't even have a deck. Really. So let's drink it right here."

Once the place closed up around 11-ish, he walked me to my vehicle where I got my butt inside as quickly as possible. He held the door open and asked, "Can I get in a kiss?" At least he asked. I told him he could kiss me on the cheek, then I drove off. Quickly.

I'm really bad at those socially awkward moments... what to say and how to say it and when. I think of great things later in private as I replay the events, but at that moment in time, I'm totally at a loss. Final case in point, this past Friday night...

I was on date number 2 or 3 with this fourth and final man, also someone I'd met here on Myspace. Actually, we went to high school together, back when I briefly lived in Alpharetta for the last half of my Junior year. I don't recall meeting him back then, but we had a friend in common and I felt a little at ease that at least we had a shared past.

We'd gone out together 2 weeks earlier and seemed like we hit it off really well, but then I didn't hear from him much until this past week. I knew he was a Myspace girl collector, because in the 40 friends he has here, only 2 are guys... the rest all seem to have far too many photos involving their cleavage, leave him way too many glittery comments, and constantly ask him to call them.

But on the plus side, he lives right here by me, just a few miles away, and he has a daughter who is my daughter's age. We went to Lake Lanier this week for the kids to get together and the girls really hit it off. So with all of our kids gone away for the weekend, I asked him if he'd like to join me for another night out... a friend's film screening and maybe something to drink afterwards... he agreed and suggested dinner too, and we were off.

As far as some guys go, he at least paid for almost everything and did so the other 2 times we went out as well, even though I tried to pay my own way much of the time. It's his almost total disinterest that is the perplexing part of our "dates"... if you can call them that. On our first date, he only showed any interest in me after he'd slammed about a dozen shots and mixed drinks. Before that, nothing as far as I could tell. And again, while the kids swam at the beach, no interest whatsoever.

When the film's final credits were rolling on Friday night, he leaned over and asked if we could go because he wanted to be somewhere before midnight. So I obliged and we scooted out of there, despite my wanting to find out where the after party was going to gather.

We went to East Atlanta and he didn't want to sit outside, despite the nice night... he wanted to sit at the bar instead. I soon found out why.

After his first drink, he was chatting up the young 20-something bartender about her tattoos and getting her name. By his 3rd drink, he had gotten her phone number and myspace info. And by his last drink of the night, he was on his cell phone drunk-dialing other female friends of his... all in front of me as if I weren't there. By the time we were leaving, he was way beyond drunk, and as we walked through the parking lot, he hooted out "Woo!" several times for all to hear... the drunk mating call, as it were.

By the time I got him back to his house (yes, I drove... I have at least some common sense... not much, but some), he realized that he'd forgotten his house key and was locked out. I spent the next hour helping him break into his house. Once inside, he was dogsitting for his brother's Jack Russell Terrier, who needed to be caught so she could be caged for the night. I did that for him, being the dog expert that I am... and him being the drunk that he was.

After all of that patience and understanding on my part, he simply walked me to the door, pretty much pushed me out and said, "Thanks for the help. So goodnight." And he closed the door.. not in some gentlemanly way, mind you. I think he was probably too drunk to make a move on me... likely headed to the bathroom for a good long puke, by the looks of his swaying to and fro.

I think I'm too nice. I wish I could be a bigger bitch sometimes. I sure can pick 'em, though, can't I? I also think I'm burned out after 4 bad pitches in a row like that, because my humor seems to have left almost entirely. I've spent my whole Sunday at home having a "naked day" ... no point in clothes, really. I'm not going anywhere.

What a life.

As an added note, I was having a chat earlier this past week with my son's Tae Kwan Do master, telling him about the problems that Malachi has at home with misbehaving and acting out disrespectfully.

The master responded with, "It's none of my business, but I haven't seen Malachi's father here before, and it's my experience that boys act like that at home 9 times out of 10 because their father isn't actively in their life." I told him the story of how we've been divorced for going on 7 years now and his father only sees him every other weekend and has moved up to North Carolina, making the visits even further between.

The master then said, "I don't understand. You say it's been almost 7 years and you haven't remarried? You are still young and attractive, why haven't you just found another man?"

Thanks for rubbing it in, Master Kim.

I laughed long and loud over that... maybe a little too long for the very sober martial arts master. I briefly explained the "whys" and "what fors" of being a single woman over 30 in today's day and age, and how adding 3 children to that just makes interested men even more scarce... then I told him of what's left out there to pick from. He nodded and just added, "That's a character flaw in American men."

Character flaw. Ha! That's putting it mildly.