Me thankful? F**k off!

You heard me, fuck off.

Here's been my bountiful Thankscrappygiving Day:

Yesterday, I went to my mother's house with children in tow to celebrate early (she had to work on the holiday and I had to get rid of the crumb-crunchers before my head exploded anyway, so a day early is fine by me). My mom's boyfriend snored soundly on the couch (as usual) the whole time, until food was called and luckily my mom didn't burn her foot as she did Thanksgiving 1995... that was a fun one. That day I had to rush her to the ER for 3rd degree burns that she got when she tried to remove the turkey from the oven with just one hand, tipping scalding turkey grease all over her bare foot. Ah, good times.

So I stuffed myself yesterday and started feeling ill within an hour afterward. By this morning, I had liquid spewing from either end of my gastrointestinal tract, and when either end wasn't imitating a fountain, I was in bed trying desperately to sleep despite the pain emanating from my gurgling guts. I don't blame my mother's cooking, for no one else got sick... just lucky, lucky me. But what this meant was that while the rest of you were happily watching your parades and football games and dog shows while scarfing down goodies out there in the rest of the free world, I was huddled under the covers until 5pm between visits to the vomitorium.

By 5pm, I decided that I should at least shower and shake off the plague that had taken me over (mainly because the Imodium finally kicked in). After the shower, I made my way downstairs to see what was left of the day. The kids had done their best to destroy my house further and I needed to wrangle them to get their things together to go to their dad's so that I could have 3 days of much-needed quiet solitude. In my illness, they'd eaten every bit of sugar in the house and then used my living room lamps as swords while acting out scenes from The Lord of the Rings. My oldest managed to go digging in the kitchen junk drawer and located, to my surprise, my ex's old wedding band... he then proclaimed it "the one ring to rule them all" and put it on a chain around his neck, bound and determined to return it to it's source and destroy it once and for all before it found its way back into the hands of man again. I should have done that myself 5 years earlier, but it had been lost in a murky sea of Chinese restaurant menus, paint swatches, strewn about batteries of questionable power, dried up Playdough containers, coupons, random tools, dog nail clippers, and what I believe might be the original Dead Sea Scrolls (or perhaps just some really crapped up children's artwork).

My ex was due to pick them up at 6pm, so at 6:47 sharp as usual, he rolled into the driveway. When he made his way up the front steps, I handed him back the ring of doom... which he took from me rather gingerly and said "Thanks, I guess." I felt relieved, having just returned it to its evil source, but now I wonder if I shall begin to rapidly age as Bilbo had after he relinquished the ... okay, I've spent too much time watching those damn movies. By returning that ring to its evil source, I hope that I'll finally be rid of the ring-wraithes that have been circling me for the last 5 years... otherwise known as "dates." You laugh, but until you've had the kind of luck that I've had in the dating department, you'll never truly understand the full shock and horror of what I've experienced. Seriously. You're still laughing? Okay, well when you find out that the person you had one of the best first dates ever in recent history turns out to actually be a registered sex offender, we'll see if you're still giggling then.

After the week that I've had, I really needed to get away from my life for a bit. So with quietude settling upon the house, I decided to set out into the world to the one place all single losers end up on holidays... the movie theater. I showed up in time to grab one of the last remaining tickets to see Oliver Stone's sold-out (and I mean that in every sense for the word) epic, ALEXANDER. I had no hopes of this being "epic" in the slightest, seeing how the cast includes both Angelina Jolie and Val Kilmer... a double-whammy filmic curse indeed. But still, I needed pure escapism.

Of course, I didn't get it.

Do you ever get to a theater and find the most perfect spot, only to have it sullied by those who fill in the seats around you? All the time, right? Okay, so get this...

I sit down in the middle of the 4th row from the front... one row too close for my taste, but good enough. Soon thereafter, 3 of the redneckiest rednecks sit down to my left and the one closest to me pops open a container of what I believe smelled like a combination of Schiltz and grape juice... not a good odor for one who had just been spewing forth something that smelled a bit like that earlier in the day, so I pushed my nose into my bag of popcorn/Thanksgiving dinner. Next came the other set of "necks" to my right, reeking of cheap wine and pot and feet (they took their shoes off right away, thanks), and both being of the "mouth-breather" variety... guess you can afford to smell that bad when neither of you have been able to access your olfactory senses for the last decade.

But here's the topper: a woman plops down slightly in front of me, almost taking my foot off at the ankle as it had been wedged between the seats. She then flags over the rest of her party... 2 daughters that look like the Bush twins and their significant others (one looks like an Ethan Hawke variety pre-anorexia, the other looks like an all-American football star)... immediately I hate the whole lot of them. Last but not least, however, is the patriarch of the clan, who sits down directly in front of me and MY HAND TO GOD he is Santa Claus. I shit you not. He had the long, flowing white beard and longish, wavy head of white hair... if he wasn't Santa, then he was God himself. I was pissed. Not only was I forced to have a shitty holiday sick as a dog, but now I was given the constant reminder that Christmas is just around the corner. I truly hate Christmas... not as much as I hate Valentine's Day, but I'll bitch about that one in 2 months... and the 2 sets of happy couples flanking Santa and Mrs. Claus made my guts churn just thinking about that other dreaded holiday. I still can't figure out how either of the parents produced two stunning daughters, but it just made me hate them more for the hell of it.

It is at this point I should tell everyone right here and now that I live in Gwinnett County, Georgia... a firmly sanctimonious, fairly redneck, holier-than-thou Christian, family-values Conservative place that gives me nightmares to occasionally think that I've managed to live here for nearly 9 years without being either converted or murdered in my sleep for heresy. And Oliver Stone's movie is so NOT their cup of tea, full of male-on-male love and lust... the audible groans and comments from the audience were almost worth the admission price, if Stone hadn't created such a fucking dog of a movie. My favorite comments heard were "Disgusting!" and "Oh, good Lord!" and best of all "Sweet Christ, no!" Heheheheh. But I digress.

Or do I?

It was quite a way to wrap up a crappy holiday at the end of a truly crap week, with a crappier movie that made a packed theater full of religious flag-wavers queasier than I had been earlier that day. And I'm still pissed that I missed the Purina National Dog Show. Anyone know who won?

Ah hell, I don't care really. Like I said when I started this rant...

Fuck off.

Theocracy at Its Finest

Today I got a letter from a distant friend in Maine (one of only 2 states that smartly dole out electoral votes based on a real representative sample, rather than the all-or-nothing version the rest of us get) who summed up my sentiments exactly. I'd like to share his thoughts with you here:

"I'm sure you had a good time last night, envisioning the practical reality of Theocracy. With that in mind, here is a short list of other folks who were elected:

Senator-elect Jim DeMint: Thinks that unwed pregnant women and gays are unfit to be schoolteachers.

Senator-elect Tom Coburn: Wants the death penalty for abortion doctors.

Senator-elect John Thune: Mr. School Prayer Amendment.

Voters in 11 states voted to ban same-sex marriage. The lowest margin was 57%-43%. The highest (Mississippi) was 86%-14%. Kentucky also bans civil unions. That one was 75%-25%.

The Senate will likely be split 55-45 in favor of Republicans, creeping closer to a filibuster-proof supermajority. Meanwhile, 89% of these guys are older than 65.

But you'll also get a tax cut, if you accept Christ as your personal savior and accountant.

Without hesitation, I sincerely urge everyone to READ and PAY ATTENTION, always. And read lots of books about the Roman Empire. --Mr. Gage"

------

Last night while watching the returns, I managed to eat all of my children's chocolate Halloween candy, probably in an effort to elevate myself to a chocolate high, and succeeding only in a massive chocolate hangover today.

I went to the gym for a healthier high and was on the treadmill no more than 5 minutes when W came across all the monitors with his acceptance speech. I ran hard for 30 minutes and attempted to stare through the digital display feeling a little like Superman trying to spin the world backwards in time just a few minutes to buy more time to save Lois's life. It didn't work for me, of course.

Now I'm seeking comfort from music with darkly poignant lyrics. This one's on repeat as I type:

"Well we stick our fingers in
The ground, heave and
Turn the world around
Smoke is blacking out the sun
At night I pray and clean my gun
The cracked bell rings as
The ghost bird sings and the gods
Go beggin here
So just open fire
As you hit the shore
All is fair in love
And war" --Tom Waits, "Hoist That Rag"

I'm disappointed people. Disappointed, scared, angry, and down. I'm also considering moving to New England or the West Coast (if not out of the country entirely)... anyone want a gloomy roomie?

--She

Scariest Halloween House EVER!

Hope everyone had a safe and grand All Hallow's Eve... and a muy bueno Dia De Los Muertos.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the scariest house that my kids visited that night. It had crime tape strewn across the front and signs everywhere saying "Danger" and "Beware!" There were two dummies in lawn chairs hacking at each other's necks with bloodied hatchets while a soundtrack blared screams and moans from somewhere in the bushes and lights in the house blinked on and off. But the worst horror of all was out by the mailbox. That's right... they had a sign up that read "Vote Bush/Cheney 2004." Not sure if it was meant to be part of the fright fest that night, but it certainly ran a chill down my spine.

Please get out there and vote, people. Don't make that spook house a living nightmare for the the next 4 years that will haunt us for decades to come.

I'm The She-Creature and I approved this message.