On the Run

I just realized something... I run like Robin trying desperately to keep up with Batman.

Since I last wrote -- *GASP!* -- six weeks ago, I've amazingly continued running.

Yes, it's still more like "not dying" than running, per se, but the point is that I've persisted with it. And the good news is I've actually succeeded at something! Sure, I'm so slow that even a guy wearing flip-flops was able to pass me. Take that in a moment: a guy was running in flip-flops. And he passed me. Twice.

Maybe he needs a pair of these?

But despite those kinds of crippling emotional setbacks, I've somehow managed to officially make it all the way around the park. Three times! Without dying!

No, it wasn't three consecutive times around the park -- just once on three separate occasions. And once around is only slightly over two miles ... but there's sun and hills and bugs and shit. That's a lot to ask of a person who only ever ran ("didn't die") indoors on a flat treadmill before this.

Rule #1: Run hungry.

Here's what I've learned so far:

• No matter how good of an idea it seems to eat ice cream before running to give yourself a little sugar burst of energy when you're lagging after work, it never is. You will end up making embarrassing noises during your run and feeling miserable. This goes for pretty much any eating, frankly. You're no marathoner ... run hungry. 

• No matter how good of an idea it seems to run with an excitable, untrained dog, it never is ... especially when your dog doesn't know how walk on a leash. You will end up doing a bellyflop onto the pavement when you're running full speed downhill and he decides to cross in front of you. 

• No matter how good of an idea it seems to run at midday, it never is ... especially when your wardrobe consists almost entirely of black clothing. You will come close to heatstroke and think you're dying for really real. 

• Bugs will always aim for your eyes, nostrils or, most often, gaping mouth. But hey, remember how hungry you were before your run? Bonus protein! 

• Water is your friend. Invite your friend into your daily life as often as possible and your run will benefit. 

• Morning runs are the easiest: less bugs, less people, less heat. Pre-dusk runs are a good second choice: still less heat, but way more people and bugs.  

• A supportive running bra and well-fitting athletic shoes are your best investment. So why are you still putting those off? Go invest already, jeez! 

• While you're at it, get some compression socks, will ya? You're not getting any youner! 

• I still hate running. 

I Heart Not Running

Mostly, I've learned that I'm not a runner. Not yet, at least. I'm not ready to start putting numbers on my car. 

Damn, now I can't have this sticker anymore either.

And old injuries plus a mild, underlying heart condition might keep me from ever being the kind of "athlete" that wants to sign up for races ... or at least I'd use those as my excuses. Remember my mention of the flip-flops runner? I wasn't kidding. This is more likely what would really stop me: 

Most humiliating part would be that it's not even me in the orange.
Look in the far left background. That'd me in the blue. Walking. 

Here's a little test to see if you're really a runner. If you answer yes to any of these, you can get yourself the appropriate numbers oval: 

(1)

Nope.

(2)

Double nope.

(3)

Also nope. Still not really a runner.

(4)

Hmm ... now you're talking!

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, the thing I've learned is I might need to invest in one of those fancy iPods and fill it full of rhythmically and lyrically inspiring music to keep me going. Every time I see a truly fit, determined runner, he or she is wearing some sort of MP3 player. There might be something to that, because most days I feel like my brain DJ isn't doing me any favors. 

You see, the first time I made it all the way around the park, I had one song stuck on repeat in my head. Was it the theme from ROCKY? No. It was this ... 

The second time I made it all the way around the park, THIS was stuck on repeat in my head, and for half the day afterwards ... 

But wait, it gets worse. The third time I made it all the way around the park, this was stuck on repeat in my head -- and STILL IS ... 

You know what this means, right? I mean besides the fact that I desperately need an MP3 player. It means that my brain DJ strangely believes that songs that involve afro-headed white dudes are the most inspiring and motivational songs ever, that's what. 

I'm afraid that also means this is the next song to take me around the park, and possibly follow me into a week-long extended-remix mania ... 

Don't judge me until you've run a mile in my brain.