Time Crapsule

I found something hiding in my Facebook "Notes" section just now ... something that I didn't remember writing, something that I never finished and never published. It appears to have poured out of my head less than a week post-breakup in 2009 in the wee small hours of the morning. Interestingly, I call it a "time capsule" because, wow, it is just that. Who is this girl who thought that relationships were "real work" and who beat herself up for making bad choices instead of honoring and celebrating what had gone right?

It's these kinds of things that make me cringe when I go back and read old blog entries here. And yet, I'm posting this previously unpublished one anyway, even though it's unfinished ... or especially because it's unfinished. I think some part of me deep inside told me to "stop" right there. Just leave it. It speaks to me on a new level because of that, which makes me smile. I was tuning into something better, even if I didn't yet know it :)

Head Over Heels (Hurts More When You Land)
Friday, July 10, 2009 at 4:17am

I know what you're thinking... you're thinking, "Oh, great. Not another weepy, whiny blog about feeling jilted and alone?" And if that's the case, you're right... that's all it will be for you. But for myself, I see this as a time capsule moment, full of insight that I'll put out of my mind later, that might actually help keep me from making the same mistakes again, should I not force them from my noggin. I know that a few months down the road, I'll be able to look back at things from a clearer perspective and feel just fine... or mostly fine... so why not just pretend like things are already fine and skip the tiresome woe-is-me yarn?

If you've gotten this far and are feeling that you're wasting your time here, please surf away to somewhere else. If any of you have a morbid curiosity about broken hearts or are experiencing one yourself and thus can relate right now, please continue to read further.

Sometimes it feels like my life has been one long, never-ending country song... especially my romantic life. And my whole life of late is the worst, bluesiest, moaniest country song there ever was. "My man treats me so bad. My dog done died. My man's dog treats my other dog so bad. My man done gone, but at least he took his stupid dog. My baby daddy don't pay." Okay, maybe that last one is from a hip hop song. Hmm... they're really not that different in terms of genre content, now that I think about it...

Anyway, in affairs of the heart, I've got no one to blame but myself, I know that. Tonight, I actually went back and re-read some old instant messages from December 2007 just to see if all the signs were there... to see if my subconscious was throwing up red flags about my then new suitor and if that suitor was throwing out his own red flags. Guess what? They were all there... all the things that we ended up fighting about for the last year. Well, most of them anyway. I even brought up my masochistic penchant for man-children!

What's not there is how or why he came into my life at that time. He failed to tell me in any of our night after night of long messaging that his previous girlfriend had only just moved out of his apartment not two weeks before he first contacted me. When I asked "how long had it been," he responded with "It was official several months back, but it was really DOA." Of course, I was asking when they broke up, not when they started dating... but his reply was only answering when it started. I think we were about a month or so into dating before his statements about things with her made me say, "Let me get this straight... you were still living together two weeks before contacting me?" He swore that it had been longer, but when I showed him on a calendar, he had to admit it really was that short of time.

Why would that matter? Well, for starters, I have this thing against anyone jumping from one relationship to another. I've learned from my own experience and from plenty of others that you need to come to a full stop before exiting the vehicle. It's also a good idea to stretch your legs and get a sense of your bearings before you jump into the next ride.

Maybe "ride" is the wrong word.

What I do know are there are serial monogamists out there who go from one relationship to another to another without looking around them, without living with their own self for a while... alone. People who find that concept frightening, perhaps because they rely on other people to keep them distracted from their own sad state or to keep from really working on their own issues. These people are also doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, always blaming their partners.

I'm not one of those people, but I do blame myself for picking the wrong match. This was such a case. I failed to do my research and allowed myself to get caught up in the full distraction of it all... and it was a great distraction for a while. Bounding through full-tilt, pure pleasure living -- food, alcohol, sex, fun -- is addictive. You find yourself wanting more, more, more. But when the dust settles (along with those hormones) and the real work of the relationship sets in, sometimes you realized that you have far more than you bargained.

My extra bargain came in the form of a possible personality disorder called "Borderline Personality Disorder" or BPD. I had looked into the similar face of mood swings once before, in the form of a fast-talking, over-achieving, bouncy Puerto Rican man from the Bronx. It was a dizzying ride in which I just found myself trying to hang on due to all of the emotional 180s that he kept pulling. This time the emotional roller coaster took the form of a bearded satyr with a an alarming temper from Staten Island. (Not sure if there's something in the water there, New Yorkers, but you folks might want to consider drinking the bottled stuff!)

Next time on The She-Creature Speaks: My vagina monologue.

Distance Over Time

Ideally, I thought last week's conversation would have gone much better than it did. I didn't expect him to get angry with me, especially given that I didn't list any other reasons or issues that went into my decision. I just needed not to have all the scuttling around and planning and stuff, or at least I needed to know he was going to definitely move here if I was going to invest anymore (neurotic) time in all that scuttling and planning and stuff. I knew there could be tears, but I thought they'd be more like, "I'm more determined than ever to find a way to make this work for us" tears than, "I guess this is goodbye" tears. Maybe I've seen too many chick flicks. Or maybe he's seen too few.

Less than a week after our talk, however, there was no continued talk of being together someday; instead he was already putting himself back on the market. I know guys who swear by "the best way to get over someone is to get under (or over) someone else" philosophy, but I guess it just surprises me most with this one. He seemed ... I dunno, different.

Of course, again, I never expected his anger about this either, especially not with me telling him that I still loved him and calling him by my pet name for him, which cutely turns his name into something that sounds like "adorable" ... and I'm not even good with pet names! They usually come about from sounds that I like to string together that remind me of the person I'm dating ... and considering that I've tended to date cartoonishly zany guys, the pet names get pretty amusing, too (i.e. Donkey Bundle).

This beau was far too sober and innocent seeming for that, however. Although cartoonish in his own way (think more Chuck Jones, less Tex Avery), happily bipping along with a "doo dee doo dee doo" at any given time, "adorable" was always the impression that resonated with me. I guess I didn't expect something so "adorable" to have such sharp teeth, and to use them to bite me in the end, so to speak. Well, okay ... it was really just more of a growly nip, but unexpected nonetheless.

Maybe I should have seen that coming? I had been getting lots of subtle hints over the last couple weeks that he might be annoyed with me... that I was disappointing him somehow. Even the cartoony way he would sweet talk me often had a patronizing air to it, along with the strangely sing-songy, high-pitched way he'd started saying, "I love you, too," but only after I said it first. It was weighing on me a bit, and the more annoyed he seemed with me, the less I felt inclined to change it.

Feeling back into it, I now realize I was dating myself ... or a version of myself, when I was less aware of how inadvertently challenging I might sometimes have been to date ... maybe even a bit of a buzzkill on occasion.

My past is riddled with "life of the party" guys who exude fun ... or, who at least are more extroverted than myself and not afraid of being openly silly in public (sometimes those guys have been alcohol-dependent, but not usually). Basically, I was always the Abbott to their Costello ... bringing the happy fun time down a notch when it would get too outer limits.

Why would I suddenly find myself on the receiving end of that kind of judgment? Well, this dating experience was more sober ... more "mature" in many ways ... than the other guys I'd gravitated to before, and in the years since my seriously studious grad school days (and especially since my last zany boyfriend experience), I've been learning to let go more and more. In that letting go, I've become more like those guys I've always been drawn to -- it's a pleasant side effect.

For instance:

• I revel in frivolity and whimsy. Can I help it if I have a really great sense of humor and enjoy sharing laughs with others, and that Pinterest came along and made that extra easy to do? The me who used to love to curl up with a book at night apparently also loves to find succinct witticisms in jpeg form and share then with my Facebook pals. It's probably because I have a somewhat soul-sucking job these days, but it's also because those images are just so damn hilarious!

• I truly appreciate messiness and coloring outside the lines. Both at home (I have almost as much stuff on shelves as I have "pins" on "boards"!) and inside a relationship (letting our lives spill into each other a bit, blurring our boundaries rather than neatly keeping our romance separate from our day-to-day lives), it excites me to see what the blending and juxtaposition of different aspects of things can bring. Basically, even in these early stages, I like being able to pick up the phone and call whenever, and sometimes that call might be: "Wanna makeout? Meet me in 20 minutes!" You can't do that when your relationship fits into a highly constrained and scheduled bubble.

"Bubble shapes can have different relationships"

• I dig randomness, irregularity, and novelty. This can sometimes make me seem like I have a short attention span, but I'm taking it all in, honest. Not a word or nuance of what you've said has been missed, I promise ... and later, when you least expect it, I will likely show you just how much attention I was paying when I surprise you with something you will love. But in the moment, sometimes it seems like ... ooh, a squirrel!

"Functional diagrams have irregular shapes with close proximity"

To someone who deliberately eschews frivolity, chaos, and variance in his personal life in favor of moderation, austerity, and discipline, I might come off as a tad ... exasperating. Interestingly, all those things that make him uncomfortable in his personal life totally fascinate him in his career analyzing them as a scientist. Admittedly, I am somewhat the opposite in my professional life, too.

So there I was for the first time in possibly ever: on the receiving end of that kind of scrutiny. Mind you, it was subtle, not heavy-handed at all, but it still kind of sucked a bit ... and I'm glad for it, frankly. It opened me up to a way of being that was not serving me in love. I can now appreciate how others have felt as I looked upon them as some sort of mildly naive child and/or annoyingly frustrating disappointment. I see now that being on the receiving end of it simultaneously makes you hope you don't disappoint them further, while wondering if you should throw in the towel sooner rather than later.

The truth is, feeling that tone coming from him may have played a role in my decision to hit "pause" when I did, but I wouldn't trade being on the receiving end of that experience for anything. I will always appreciate the "adorable" lesson that I learned from this experiment (have I used enough sciencey/teachy puns yet?). I've also learned that who we are in a breakup says just as much about how we love as how we fall in love does.

How Will It End Next Time?

Regardless of who he is, the next object of my desire will be the luckiest one of them all, because first hand experience of dating a version of myself has helped me be so much more tuned-in, empathetic, and caring. Personally, I'm still holding out hope for that "happily ever after" because I know they do exist ... I even know a few examples personally, and have conjured many others in my mind. I'm ready, willing, able, and the law of averages dictates that I am due for one.

She ain't dead yet, so back on that horse I go!

"Giddyup!"

Post script:

As I was putting the final touches of edits and images on this little ditty, a message came in from Mister Adorable that cleared so many things up, and confirmed everything above and then some. Due to "philosophical differences" regarding relationships -- he sees love as "hard work" and "effort," while I see love as a way to share fun, joy, and excitement about being alive with someone special -- there will not be a next time with this one. I know he thought his message was going to pack some sort of an eye-opening wallop to me, but instead I look at it with a sigh, knowing I was there once, too ... heck, this blog is chock full of those kinds of moments where I attempted the very same blame-filled argument from that very same exasperated perspective. I like where I am now much better ... and it's got a fantastic view!

Let - Go

So last night, I stopped seeing my boyfriend of seven weeks, whom I still love and adore more than anyone to date. Let me back up...

Everything was perfect about us coming together, right down to the details of how I felt before I met him ... like I was already in this relationship and expected to look over one day and finally see him in his solid form. And that is what happened in many ways ... it was perfection.

Everything except living an 11-hour drive between us.

I must have overlooked this when I felt into any of the specifics of this relationship before it manifested ... or maybe I've put too much attention there in the past and that drew it to me even more.

It also turns out that I am still very much the same girl I was when I was 17. The brain still does the same old tricks ... it squirms and wiggles away from the firm grasp I thought I had on it like some slippery snake/water wiener dipped in baby oil. I've gotten much better at catching it, but apparently I haven't managed to rub off all the slippery unctuousness.

See, I'm ready for the deeper plunge with someone. I'm not only ready, I'm wholeheartedly expecting it. And it's about time! But that slippery brain of mine is also stubborn. It can latch onto a thought like, "I don't do well with long distance relationships," and remind me of that again and again and again, drowning out solidly felt things like, "I adore this man of mine."

So after doing battle with the She-Creature within -- breathing and meditating away the thoughts, trying to go general and focus on the things that make me feel good, etc -- the beast wore me down. By the third time I caved to her old issues regarding distance, I was actually feeling physical pain from it. My chest had been tightening up, seizing with little stabby feelings, and my jaw was clenched tight. Like lockjaw tight.

No, I was not having a heart attack. Yes, however, my thoughts were attacking my heart.

For my own sanity, and for the preservation of how we both feel towards each other, I decided to end things. It felt like the only way ... to keep it under glass and keep the She-Creature from stomping all over the beautiful garden that we'd cultivated together.

I know, that sounds a little childish, but it honestly is the most adult thing that I have ever done in my life. I walked away from love. Not crapped it up until we both were exhausted with one another and couldn't stand the sight of each other ... but saved it like a snapshot in time ... or maybe more like a bookmark, because if the opportunity should come up, I want to pick it back up on the page where I left it. I hope he does, too, but I have no control over that.

I'm leaving out a lot of detail here for everyone's sake, but trust me when I say, if I didn't love him as much as I do, I couldn't have felt as pained as I did by the distance.

If in the future he finds his life heading towards mine -- and there is always the possibility of that, especially if he really wants it and puts his focus there -- I will gladly reopen this book. I repeated to him how much I love him and how much that will not change, regardless if he's mad at me right now ... regardless of whether or not he finds his way closer to me.

I know there's a blindspot there that I'm working on, and someday I hope to have closed that gap for myself, but that does not lessen the amount that I am capable of loving. And I will continue to discover my love has higher heights and deeper depths and that I have a broader reach than I can even fathom right now.

It sucks being away from him, but it was all the going back and forth, the waiting between, the compartmentalized visits, and the negotiating and planning just to see each other again that hurt more than just not seeing him for a longer stretch. So in a strange way, it feels like nothing has changed. I still love him because I felt that love before I met him, and will continue to feel it.

And because it feels like nothing has changed to me, I've not been able to bring myself to change our status on that social networking site. Perhaps I should allow him choose when or if the time for that is right?

As odd as it sounds, I let go of the man I love to keep him. He will always be mine exactly as I feel for him here. I'm focused on that, and although I miss the physicality of us, I am excited by the possibilities that are in store. For both of us.

He has new career opportunities to explore very soon, and I will be his biggest cheerleader no matter where those opportunities take him. I hope he feels the same way about me, and I hope the distance gap between us narrows so that we can explore together some more. The wiser me knows that the components of greater things are assembling...

...to be continued <3

These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Move along.

8-1/2

In November 2002, I became an AMC Movie Watcher member. Starting in April 2011, that program is ending in favor of something called AMC Stubs. Aside from some lovely rewards, the Movie Watcher program kept a neat record of all of the movies that I saw at AMC theaters for the past 8-1/2 years:

1. 03/06/2011 | Rango
2. 01/30/2011 | 127 Hours
3. 01/01/2011 | Tron: Legacy in Disney Digital 3D
4. 12/25/2010 | The King's Speech
5. 12/24/2010 | True Grit
6. 11/26/2010 | Tangled
7. 11/24/2010 | Tangled
8. 11/20/2010 | Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
9. 10/24/2010 | Hereafter
10. 10/17/2010 | Red
11. 10/10/2010 | The Social Network
12. 08/13/2010 | Eat Pray Love
13. 08/11/2010 | Inception
14. 06/18/2010 | Toy Story 3 in Disney Digital 3D
15. 06/07/2010 | Splice
16. 04/16/2010 | Hot Tub Time Machine
17. 03/17/2010 | Alice in Wonderland in Disney Digital 3D
18. 01/03/2010 | Sherlock Holmes
19. 12/27/2009 | Up in the Air
20. 12/25/2009 | Avatar
21. 12/06/2009 | Fantastic Mr. Fox
22. 10/18/2009 | Inglourious Basterds
23. 10/17/2009 | Zombieland
24. 10/16/2009 | Where the Wild Things Are
25. 10/14/2009 | Bright Star
26. 06/14/2009 | Drag Me to Hell
27. 06/07/2009 | Star Trek
28. 06/03/2009 | Up
29. 05/17/2009 | Star Trek
30. 05/08/2009 | Star Trek
31. 04/01/2009 | I Love You, Man
32. 03/13/2009 | Watchmen
33. 02/06/2009 | He's Just Not That Into You
34. 01/31/2009 | The Wrestler
35. 01/02/2009 | Bolt
36. 12/25/2008 | The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
37. 11/15/2008 | The Changeling
38. 09/06/2008 | Tropic Thunder
39. 08/09/2008 | WALL-E
40. 07/26/2008 | The Dark Knight
41. 07/19/2008 | Hellboy II: The Golden Army
42. 06/15/2008 | The Incredible Hulk
43. 05/21/2008 | Iron Man
44. 05/03/2008 | Iron Man
45. 04/19/2008 | Forgetting Sarah Marshall
46. 02/23/2008 | There Will Be Blood
47. 02/09/2008 | No Country for Old Men
48. 02/02/2008 | Michael Clayton
49. 01/27/2008 | Juno
50. 12/20/2007 | Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
51. 12/16/2007 | I Am Legend
52. 12/07/2007 | Beowulf: Digital 3D
53. 11/21/2007 | No Country for Old Men
54. 11/17/2007 | Michael Clayton
55. 09/16/2007 | The Bourne Ultimatum
56. 09/08/2007 | Hairspray
57. 08/18/2007 | Superbad
58. 08/11/2007 | Stardust
59. 08/05/2007 | The Bourne Ultimatum
60. 07/14/2007 | Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
61. 07/08/2007 | Transformers
62. 07/03/2007 | Sicko
63. 06/16/2007 | Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
64. 06/02/2007 | Knocked Up
65. 05/30/2007 | Waitress
66. 05/25/2007 | Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
67. 05/06/2007 | Spider-Man 3
68. 05/04/2007 | Hot Fuzz
69. 04/27/2007 | Grindhouse
70. 04/12/2007 | Meet the Robinsons
71. 03/09/2007 | 300
72. 03/02/2007 | Zodiac
73. 02/25/2007 | Notes on a Scandal
74. 02/24/2007 | Bridge to Terabithia
75. 02/14/2007 | Music and Lyrics
76. 02/10/2007 | The Messengers
77. 02/02/2007 | Pan's Labyrinth
78. 01/27/2007 | The Queen
79. 01/20/2007 | Pan's Labyrinth
80. 01/15/2007 | Happy Feet
81. 01/06/2007 | Children of Men
82. 12/30/2006 | Night at the Museum
83. 12/19/2006 | Eragon
84. 12/16/2006 | The Pursuit of Happyness
85. 12/09/2006 | Apocalypto
86. 12/08/2006 | Bobby
87. 12/03/2006 | Casino Royale
88. 11/22/2006 | Babel
89. 11/11/2006 | Stranger Than Fiction
90. 11/05/2006 | Flushed Away
91. 10/28/2006 | The Departed
92. 09/24/2006 | Jet Li's Fearless
93. 09/15/2006 | The Last Kiss
94. 09/08/2006 | Hollywoodland
95. 09/02/2006 | Lassie
96. 09/02/2006 | The Illusionist
97. 08/26/2006 | Little Miss Sunshine
98. 08/11/2006 | Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
99. 07/07/2006 | Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
100. 07/04/2006 | Superman Returns
101. 06/30/2006 | The Lake House
102. 06/28/2006 | Superman Returns
103. 06/11/2006 | Cars
104. 06/04/2006 | X-Men: The Last Stand
105. 05/26/2006 | X-Men: The Last Stand
106. 04/06/2006 | V for Vendetta
107. 04/01/2006 | Ice Age: The Meltdown
108. 03/10/2006 | The Shaggy Dog
109. 01/22/2006 | Hoodwinked!: The True Story of Little Red Riding Hood
110. 01/13/2006 | Tristan & Isolde
111. 12/17/2005 | King Kong
112. 12/14/2005 | King Kong
113. 12/10/2005 | The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
114. 11/19/2005 | Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
115. 11/12/2005 | Zathura
116. 11/11/2005 | Pride and Prejudice
117. 11/11/2005 | Jarhead
118. 10/08/2005 | In Her Shoes
119. 09/27/2005 | Tim Burton's Corpse Bride
120. 09/25/2005 | Just Like Heaven
121. 09/23/2005 | An Unfinished Life
122. 09/14/2005 | Wedding Crashers
123. 09/09/2005 | Red Eye
124. 09/03/2005 | The Brothers Grimm
125. 08/20/2005 | The 40 Year-Old Virgin
126. 08/07/2005 | March of the Penguins
127. 08/04/2005 | Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
128. 07/31/2005 | Sky High
129. 07/23/2005 | Wedding Crashers
130. 07/16/2005 | Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
131. 07/03/2005 | Batman Begins
132. 06/29/2005 | War of the Worlds
133. 06/24/2005 | Cinderella Man
134. 06/19/2005 | Mr. & Mrs. Smith
135. 05/08/2005 | The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
136. 04/29/2005 | The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
137. 04/06/2005 | Sin City
138. 03/11/2005 | Robots
139. 01/02/2005 | Closer
140. 12/24/2004 | Closer
141. 12/18/2004 | Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
142. 11/25/2004 | Alexander
143. 11/20/2004 | The Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie
144. 11/05/2004 | The Incredibles
145. 10/15/2004 | Team America: World Police
146. 08/07/2004 | The Village
147. 07/23/2004 | The Bourne Supremacy
148. 06/30/2004 | Spider-Man 2
149. 06/26/2004 | Two Brothers
150. 06/13/2004 | Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
151. 06/07/2004 | The Day After Tomorrow
152. 05/19/2004 | Shrek 2
153. 04/30/2004 | Ella Enchanted
154. 04/11/2004 | The Passion of the Christ
155. 04/03/2004 | Hellboy
156. 03/20/2004 | Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
157. 03/08/2004 | Hidalgo
158. 01/30/2004 | Big Fish
159. 01/16/2004 | Cold Mountain
160. 01/09/2004 | Lost in Translation
161. 12/28/2003 | The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
162. 12/20/2003 | The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
163. 12/17/2003 | Bad Santa
164. 11/15/2003 | Elf
165. 11/07/2003 | The Matrix Revolutions
166. 10/10/2003 | Intolerable Cruelty
167. 10/04/2003 | School of Rock
168. 09/28/2003 | Lost in Translation
169. 09/26/2003 | The Rundown
170. 09/20/2003 | Secondhand Lions
171. 09/12/2003 | Matchstick Men
172. 09/06/2003 | Freaky Friday
173. 08/09/2003 | Seabiscuit
174. 07/26/2003 | Spy Kids 3D: Game Over
175. 07/18/2003 | 28 Days Later
176. 07/09/2003 | Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of The Black Pearl
177. 07/02/2003 | Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas
178. 06/28/2003 | Finding Nemo
179. 06/21/2003 | X2
180. 06/20/2003 | The Hulk
181. 05/30/2003 | Finding Nemo
182. 05/23/2003 | The Matrix Reloaded
183. 05/20/2003 | Daddy Day Care
184. 05/16/2003 | X2
185. 05/15/2003 | The Matrix Reloaded
186. 05/09/2003 | Phone Booth
187. 05/02/2003 | X2
188. 04/18/2003 | Holes
189. 03/01/2003 | Daredevil
190. 02/22/2003 | The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
191. 02/15/2003 | About Schmidt
192. 01/31/2003 | The Hours
193. 01/11/2003 | The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
194. 01/03/2003 | Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
195. 12/29/2002 | The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
196. 12/28/2002 | Catch Me if You Can
197. 12/14/2002 | Two Weeks Notice
198. 12/12/2002 | Far From Heaven
199. 11/30/2002 | Solaris
200. 11/27/2002 | Treasure Planet
201. 11/15/2002 | Frida

Note: No independent art theater movies, no "dollar" movies, no Regal movies, and no AMC Coke Rewards movies (they never wanted to slide my card for those, for some reason) were included in this list during this time. Also, I wish this list went back to 2001 to show that I saw the first LORD OF THE RINGS movie six times ... or that it went back to 1999, where it would show that I saw X-MEN ten times. Stupid Wolverine fetish.

Confessional

The last two guys that I've been on dates with have had their dog die within days of that first date. That's just a weird coincidence, right? I'm trying not to get a complex about it, but I'm also a little fearful for the doggies out there.

Resolution Revolution

2010 marked the first year that I ever kept my resolutions... all of them! There were four.

First, after tossing back a few the night of New Year's Eve 2009 out of sheer boredom, I resolved mid-drink to stop drinking alcohol entirely. I then poured my holiday spirits down the drain and never took another sip again. One year later and I am still a total tee-totaler. Will I continue along this line forever and ever? I don't know. But what I do know is that I've never felt better. It's the next best thing to quitting my social smoking habit (2008) and quitting coffee (2007).

Second, after pouring out those spirits, I resolved to raise my spirits naturally, meaning that I would dive back into my spiritual seeking that I had abandoned several years earlier. I slowly worked my way up to it by reading and researching, but by June I eventually found a meditation practice that I love and am continuing to expand. Along this path, I discovered a great link to Source that had kept me more centered than anything else in my life to this point.

Third, along with getting spiritually healthy, I resolved to get physically and emotionally healthy, by listening to my body, watching what I eat and getting plenty of me-time at the gym and elsewhere. Before getting in the gym, however, I discovered a local Tai Chi group and learned that I absolutely love it. That meditation in motion blends the spiritual, physical and emotional bodies all so well for me that I truly feel out of whack when I miss a week. With the last 6 months of healthy mind-body living, I am a new woman.

Finally, my biggest (and seemingly toughest) resolve was to find a job. Little did I know that if I dropped my oars and stopped trying the paddle upstream, the job would find me! It's new and it's often challenging, but my rockets of desire would have it no other way.

All in all, 2010 has been a satisfying year and has left me really looking forward to what 2011 will bring.

Now, in looking towards that future, my resolutions for 2011 include the following:

1) "How may I serve?" It's not so much a mantra as it is a way of seeing the world. I am looking to give of myself in ways that my talents and heart lead me. Although I always strive to make the world a better place, I want to be more aware of it in my day to day life... and if I make just one person's day better with each day, that is a great place to start.

That first one is tough for me, because for a misanthrope like me, you people are tough to love. I don't mean "you people" in the racist sense... nor do I mean "you" people in the personal sense... nor do I mean you "people" in the sense that I'm not people, but rather some sort of alien life form (although there are days when I do feel that way). I mean that, in general, humanity often lacks... well... humanity. But if I just focus on what I love in others and ignore the rest, I know this first resolution will go a lot smoother.

2) "See joy everywhere." There was a time when I saw problems everywhere. Some of this had to do with the "you people" thing that I mentioned above, but really it only had to do with me and the way that I saw the world. Sure, that critical vision of mine made for some funny written (and oral) rants; but in 2010, I gradually learned to rack focus... switching from the exacting macro to the light-filled wide angle lens. In the bigger picture, I realized that I could see joy in every person, place or thing. I also realized that sometimes if you stop focusing on the less-desirable persons, places or things long enough and adjust your angle, you'll see that they were merely blocking what is actually a beautiful view.

3) "Keep trying new things." We often forget how great it feels to challenge ourselves with something new in our lives. The new things that I tried in 2010 have caused me to grow in so many great ways. Not everything was for me, but I am glad that I tried everything. I'll be starting off 2011 with trying belly dancing for the the first time... that should be a hoot! I don't know what other new things I'll be trying, but I'm going to look at anything that comes up as an opportunity.

4) "Let love in." I've been holding this one off for a while now, keeping it at bay, not wanting to jump in anywhere before I was on a better path for myself. After a little experimenting with this in the past few weeks, I feel that I'm coming in to really good place for this now... another opportunity to grow and co-create. I was able to walk away from something that just did not feel right* without a single ounce of drama, despite being highly tested. It was great how easily I was able to speak my peace and choose my exit, giving me the confidence to know how much easier it will be when something does feel right.

(Non-alcoholic) Cheers to 2010! Here's to 2011! Onward and upward!

*The old me would have written all about that experience by now, pointing out all the oddities and quirks for giggles, but this new me would rather turn her attention to the positive aspects that I want in a mate. The negative aspects make great blog fodder, but they also keep attracting that stuff to me.